Does Your Brain Work FOR You?
Thank you, Medium writers, for helping me with this!
My brain worked FOR me.
I’m afraid of death. REALLY afraid. Not all the time. Most of the time, I’m ok with my mortality. It is what it is, and without it life would have a lot less meaning. I take the good with the bad, and move on, like most people.
Sometimes it overwhelms me, and my anxiety gets the best of me.
When the fear gets really bad, especially before sleep, I get intrusive thoughts…
Thoughts about crashing, falling, being stabbed by my own idiocy. I’m not sure how my mind determines what’s in store, but it seems very sadistic.
The other night, this very thing happened. My anxiety pumped up, and every second my brain began to shut down for rest, I’d “fall” into a chasm with sharp, pointed rock spears waiting for me at the bottom.
Fun times.
The other day, though, I took a firm stance I’d never done before… I told my brain it wasn’t helpful. And it listened!
Of course it was more than that. I reasoned that the fear of death wasn’t doing me any favors to live at my best if it were keeping me up at night. And while there’s definitely changes to make, bedtime wasn’t the time for them.
These things hadn’t worked in the past, but this time it wasn’t just words…
I released the fear. Disconnected from it, I should say. The feeling stuck inside my self like honey, and yet I was completely detached from it. My mind whirled away, continuing to pump adrenaline through a body I could feel but no longer identified with.
The feeling one might have after a peaceful meditation, I managed to produce at the edge of a panic attack!
This allowed me entry to that purgatory-like realm of half-sleep without the sudden drop. My mind was still upset, still churning away at that fear grindstone. And so again I was flung off a cliff to plummet to my death.
My mind loves to rope me back in like that, you see.
But I stayed disconnected. What’s the use of being afraid? Half asleep is still half awake — the scene might be vivid, but I still knew it wasn’t real.
And suddenly, without my say-so, the side of the infinite cliff turned horizontal and became a vast, rocky expanse for me to gently land upon. Safely, and unharmed.
My mind obeyed not the command to save me, but the belief that I was in no danger at all.
A Lifetime Of Uncertainty
It would be easy to write that experience off as simple “lucid dreaming.” I was tempted to do just that after a day or so had passed. Time makes things fuzzy, you see. It’s hard to compare one memory to another with any real accuracy.
But then my brain worked for me again.
This time was different; I was wide awake, in the middle of my day. No dreaming and no anxiety — simply the normal output of my everyday thoughts.
For as long as I can remember, my thoughts have been… less than ideal.
- That person sucks. Let’s judge them harshly.
- I’m a terrible person. Why can’t I be better?
- Everyone else gets good things, not me.
- I should take what they have, because I deserve it more.
- …and so on.
Granted, I don’t act on these thoughts. There’s been a small percentage of thoughts worth listening to in my mind for decades. I follow the good ones, but sometimes there aren’t any to follow; and so I’ve learned to do nothing.
Decades of work mostly boil down to learning not to listen to the thoughts in my own head. My brain has worked double-time against me my whole life.
It’s often wrong, in many ways.
A Change In The Force
As I was saying, there was a shift recently. A moment my brain changed to work for me instead of against.
I was playing a stupid word game (I’ve since uninstalled it for the usual reasons), and my last move left two triple word spots open for my opponent.
This was where I expected my mind to freak out:
“Oh jeez, why was I so stupid? I’m going to lose, that was such a dumb move. I suck. Everyone else is way better than I am at these, I don’t know why I bother playing.”
But it didn’t.
Instead, this was the thought my brain gave me:
“Whatever they play, I’ll play an even better word with the other space. I can do it, I know I can!”
The thought was jarring for all the right reasons!
Not a negative thought in sight! I was calm, confident in my ability, and ready for the future — whatever was thrown at me, I knew I would do my best!
Granted, I did end up losing that game. But it wasn’t the confidence-shattering defeat that I was used to. Instead, I appreciated the skill of my opponent, and was grateful to be challenged — I have so much room to grow!
While that moment wasn’t a make-or-break kind of circumstance, I now have faith my brain can (and does) do this for me when it matters, too!
What Made The Difference?
If I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure the change is because of all the amazing compliments and appreciation I’ve gotten from all of you here on Medium! Especially for the Follower To Follower series (since those get a LOT of responses daily).
But the positive feedback of people genuinely thanking me for my writing has actually changed the way my brain works.
So thank you. All of you. So, so much!
I’ve literally never had my brain think like that before, at least not in my adult life. It’s an amazing feeling, for my brain to believe in me!
And for others looking for a similar change:
I think it happens when we bring value to others. When we help others, they thank us, and our minds hear those positive words repeated in many voices over time.
The more people I help, the more voices there are. And the more likely my brain will believe them.
Because let’s be fair — all of us have that friend or two that’s always trying to change the self-talk. But one voice isn’t enough. The amount may be different for everyone, but I think most people need a lot more than they have now.
One suggestion to that end, is if you want to write for Monster Alley and do your version of a R4R series like I mentioned in F2F #15!
But, really, being on Medium and trying to bring value to others is likely to get there one way or another. So keep at it! You’re doing great!
And thank you for being here!
Until next time, follow each other, follow the dopamine, and follow yourself, always!
Hey, look: a newsletter. And also Twitter. And Facebook.
Support writers, read without limits, and be part of the community — all for $5.