Does Your Boss Suck? It is Probably Your Fault

How to use emotional intelligence to build a better boss in three easy steps

“My boss is the worst!” We have all uttered that phrase silently or aloud at some point in our lives. Perhaps fleetingly in a bad moment, or maybe for some it is an everyday, or even every hour event.

In some cases, it is true. One of my first jobs was at a landscaping company where the owner ignored all federal and state labor laws, yelled at employees constantly, withheld pay for leverage and even hit one of the workers. I was apparently a slow learner and it took me nearly four months, but I left as soon as I came to my senses. There is only one remedy for that situation. If this is your boss, you should leave right now. If you have a truly toxic boss, here is a great article by Chris Sowers.

But most of us don’t have that boss. We don’t have the perfect boss either. Rather, our supervisor is somewhere on the spectrum between ‘awesome’ and ‘leave immediately’. We likely aren’t going anywhere soon, and neither are they.

So, it is up to them to improve the working relationship, right? After all, they hold all the power and dictate the working relationship.

If your boss is less than stellar, it is likely that the above line of reasoning is what has driven you to this point.

You can reverse the dynamic and make your supervisor a better boss by using emotional intelligence in three simple steps.

But first, what is emotional intelligence? Psychology Today has a simple definition, which is the ability to manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.

I can distill that down to an even simpler concept: meeting someone where they are at.

If you have ever felt empathy for a stranger, you have emotional intelligence. It is a skill that most people possess in some degree or another, and awareness is central to its concept. Once you are aware of your own emotions and those of others, you can put that awareness to use.

Here is how to manage your relationship with your boss and make them a better supervisor of you:

1. Manage your expectations: This is the most important, and arguably most difficult step. You need to stop thinking in terms of what your boss should, or should not, be doing and begin thinking in terms of what they ARE doing. This is critical, and it is a life changer.

You cannot possibly change your relationship with your boss unless you acknowledge where the relationship is currently. That means discarding unmet expectations and accepting how things are right now. Meet your boss where they are at currently. This means intellectually, emotionally and capability-wise.

You will find that your ability to work effectively will increase dramatically as soon as you release others from unrealistic expectations.

2. Manage your time: You may feel like your boss demands time in ways that are counter-productive to getting your work done. Meetings are an oft-cited example of this.

When I first moved into a management role in my fire department, my boss had mostly a laissez-faire approach to his job, choosing to be reactionary and manage issues as they came up. He liked to spend time bemoaning to me how difficult it was to get things done in a municipal setting. I sat for hours saying, “Uh huh”, and, “Yeah, that’s tough”, while in my head I calculated how late I would be staying to get my work accomplished.

I realized that the time I was spending more time listening to him complain about how difficult things are than it would take to simply accomplish the task at question. I went to work tackling his problem issues, taking on the simpler issues first.

This paid dividends in three ways. It made him look good, it educated me in efficient ways to work in our system, and it actually saved me time in the long run.

How to deal with meetings could be the topic for an entire article, but if you are finding that meetings are stealing your time, then control what you can by arriving on time, being prepared, and being willing to step up and take on tasks that otherwise might languish into “old business” that simply gets rehashed at the next meeting of the group. Even as a subordinate, you have a great deal of control over how meetings affect your work life.

3. Manage your communication: Ensure that your communications with your supervisor are a dialogue and not a monologue.

My next boss as I moved up the chain in management only wanted to interact with me when he had work assignments to dole out or wanted a report on work in progress.

After being promoted I was the least tenured of my peers at that level. While I managed the business unit that constituted roughly 80% of our overall mission, I was nevertheless subject to all the extra work that no one else wanted to do because of my junior status. Jobs like emergency floor warden and liaison with IT were thrust my way.

Rather than protest, I instead began to engage my boss by asking questions about his own path into his role. I asked for recommendations for professional development, and his opinion on how I could be better at my job and prepare myself for advancement. Most importantly I asked about his motivation and perspective.

Again, the investment of time and interest in my supervisor’s emotional engagement in his job paid multi-fold. I got the tangible benefit of recommendations (and approval) for professional development, but most importantly our interactions became discussions rather than directives. Not to mention that the peripheral assignments began being shunted to others as well.

These specific examples may not fit your exact situation, but the general concepts can be adapted to any setting. By coming to terms with the fact that your boss isn’t going to change who they are, you can begin to alter your approach to your relationship in ways that make the situation better for both of you.

By managing your own expectations, time and communications you can shape the relationships you have with not only your supervisor but with peers, subordinates, customers and personal relationships as well.

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Timothy Key spent over 26 years in the fire service as a firefighter/paramedic and various fire chief management roles. He firmly believes that bad managers destroy more than companies, and good managers create a passion that is contagious. Compassion, grace and gratitude drive the world; or at least they should. Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, and join the mail list.