Dirty talk — Clean humor

Does “Vacuum Clean Everywhere” Count as Dirty Talk?

It should

When my partner says, “I think we need to vacuum clean everywhere.” It doesn’t mean they’re going to give me a blowjob in every room of the apartment.

I sure wish it did.

The wardrobe

Instead, it means they want me to get the vacuum cleaner out of the wardrobe where it’s hiding in fear. In some traumatic Pavlovian reflex, the poor thing can’t stand the daylight anymore.

I think it dates back to the day we took it out of its box and started using it right away. It didn’t get any time to adapt to the new environment, let alone enjoy some sunrays on its big, long, and sturdy plastic tube.

The electric sockets

It means my partner wants me to give the electric sockets more action than I had in the whole last week. My partner wants me to deeply and firmly insert the vacuum’s plug into all the electrical sockets.

My partner wants me to be very thorough and explore all the holes. No socket should be left untouched because each socket has its dedicated hovering area.

It means I should go from one hole to the other; and move the big, long, and sturdy plastic tube back and forth.

I’ve got specific instructions to follow. There’s a sweet spot in the vacuum cleaning rhythm you will find only with practice — my partner said.

“Go forward, take your time, not too slow, not too fast, yes! Yes! That’s it! And then, backward. Keep the rhythm. Excellent, Honey. One more time, Baby. And again. And again.”

They all got more action than I do

Maybe I got too horny, but, seriously, wouldn’t you agree that “vacuum clean everywhere” is classic dirty talking?

It should be a code name for crazy and unrestrained sex.

But for my partner, it’s not. It’s a code name for vacuum cleaning everywhere.