Does The Christian God Have A Penis?

This question changed my approach to religion.

I am not trying to come across as offensive. I have always been inquisitive when it comes to mysticism, as a child; I would ask existential questions as well as philosophical questions and I wasn’t always satisfied with my answer. But the one question I struggled to ask my non-secular Christain parents was questions about God.

It was taboo and I was a rebel. I have always pictured God to look like Zeus, the god of thunder. A very hunky and sexy bastard. Great pecs, nice neck, strong arms, and had fantasies of him ripping me apart. However, Zeus was a Greek God and not the only God in Greek mythology — there was a pantheon of them.

But in the Christian world, monotheism was sacred. And there was only one God who made us in his own image but this begs the question: does he have a penis if ‘I was made in his image’?

I imagine Christians horrified at this question and they can’t even bring themselves to imagine God having sex, like even Jesus as a human on earth did he have wet dreams? Did he have regular shit? Very particular questions like this make me see another light to the ‘all-knowing, all-powerful God’.

So if the answer is yes, the Christian God does have a penis, then what does he use it for? This question makes me change the way I view heaven. I used to imagine heaven to be an ethereal and majestic utopia but now I just wonder if they’ve got some kind of sewage system for God and his angels when they, you know, have some shit and wee. Angels eat manner, a type of bread that was given to the Israelis when they were in the wilderness. So if the bible acknowledges that angels eat food that man can eat, then angels also go to the toilet in heaven, since they live predominantly in heaven.

What else does God use his penis for? I don’t know, sex? If God has a son, Jesus, like he repeats a billion times in the bible, then how did Jesus come about? Oh please don’t tell me that Jesus was made out of thin air. Jesus is kinda special to God and must have come about in a special way. One of those could be through God’s gigantic dick? But the bigger you are the smaller the size of your dingdong. I'm not here to argue out the size of God’s private business. ( I’m already feeling a headache, I think my blasphemy had crossed the line, and God’s angry).

I know this piece sounds relaxed and retarded. But it is the simple questions that we should ask. Imagine if God had a penis, after all, we were built in his image. That would change your perspective about God and even the perceived structure of heaven in your mind.