Does Saying No Actually Lead to a Better Life?
Or will it just leave you miserable and lonely?
For 2 years after I graduated from college, I spent the vast majority of my time working and studying.
I was earning my master’s while working full-time, so I barely had time for anything else.
I had to learn how to say no to many things. I couldn’t see my friends and family as much. In total, I was probably studying 50–70 hours each week.
Learning to say no to people helped me focus.
But there was an unfortunate consequence.
Saying no
To some extent, we need to be able to say no to others. By saying no, we set boundaries and enable ourselves to pursue the things we want to.
If we said yes to everyone, our life would be a random meandering dictated by others’ desires.
If you have an ambitious goal that will require most of your time, energy, and effort, you’ll be saying no to certain things.
There’s nothing wrong with that. You get to determine what your priorities are.
While investing so heavily into my work and education, I got good at saying no.
And it worked. I was able to do well in my work and my graduate program.
But there came a cost
After getting my master’s, things felt weird.
I was working full-time, but the job wasn’t that demanding. People were working around 30 hours per week.
I had gotten so good at saying no to people that I didn’t change my behavior.
I didn’t need to be pushing myself so hard anymore, as I’d reached the top of the mountain.
But still, I was adapted to saying no to others and not letting myself have much fun.
I had become strict with myself. Saying no for two years and not letting myself have much of a break resulted in me feeling guilty for having fun.
Learning to manage my time and energy enabled me to achieve great things, but it also trained me to put limits on myself.
The aftermath
It’s been about a year and a half since I graduated from my program. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting better at having fun again.
For those two years, I had to delay gratification. I had to make sacrifices so that I could put myself in the right place.
But now, I’m learning to lean more into the fun stuff in life and not be so rigid with myself.
I’m learning to find the balance between pushing myself and then relaxing and having fun. I’m learning to spend more time with my loved ones again.
Learning to say no is important in life.
But if you get too good at it, you might end up lonely and isolated.
There will be ups and downs in life. Sprints and recoveries.
In certain seasons, you’ll have to say no a lot. Make the sacrifices.
But don’t forget to come back out of your shell and have fun again.
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