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Abstract

“normal”. We are all doing the best we can. I started thinking I should adjust the way I approach this grieving process and be open to the idea of a virtual memorial. I needed to shift my mindset and re-learn a new way to process death.</p><p id="1ef9">Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful when planning a virtual memorial — something I hope many of us never have to go through.</p><h2 id="350c">1. Ask for Help</h2><p id="9c14">I always think I should try to do everything myself and that I do not want to trouble others with my problems. I feel bad asking others for their time and effort because people have their busy lives. But I have been overwhelmed and humbled by the number of people who came forward and offered to do something, anything, no matter how big or small.</p><p id="10ba">People do want to help. But oftentimes, people have no idea <i>how</i> to help and <i>what</i> type of help is needed. It is ok to ask for help and be specific about the held needed. Do you need someone to come up with a list of attendees, prepare and send out the invitations or gather photographs and other tributes? Tasks can always be broken down and shared among a group of friends. They do not all have to be piled up on your one plate.</p><h2 id="5873">2. Outsource the Logistics</h2><p id="9b28">Always outsource the logistics. Ideally, the logistics of hosting a virtual memorial should be undertaken by a third party or someone who does not mind addressing all the technical questions like — how do I join Zoom, how do I enter the meeting ID, why is my video not working, why do I see a black screen, is my audio working? Family members and close friends have enough to deal with and should be focusing on the memorial service They do not need to be bogged down with these technical questions throughout the service.</p><p id="6d6b">Even though you do not need to cater food and drinks for a large group of people, you should still have some food and drinks for yourself and others at your house. A memorial service is very emotionally exhausting and you do not want to have to fuss over food during or when the service is over.</p><h2 id="4bf6">3. Have aStructure</h2><p id="5cff">It helps to have an agenda with a timetable so that people know what to expect and when. It can be very difficult to have some semblance of order and process when the service is done virtually.</p><p id="e869">Be clear about what time the memorial service starts, when the eulogies will be made and by whom, and if there will be time for other tributes, like stories, poems, from other guests. If there are family members and friends who will be giving eulogies, let them know in advance when their allocated time slot is and how much time they have. Treat this like a memorial service that takes place physically.</p><h2 id="c758">4. Have Something Tangible</h2><p id="8e2e">If possible, have the service recorded. This is for those who are unable to attend the service but would still like to watch it. It is also for family members and friends to re-watch it later, when they are trying to process their grief. The memorial service can whirl by quickly and it is often difficult to take in and remember everything that was said. Being able to replay the service allows you to be reminded of all the positive things others have had to say and gives you the time and space you need to process all that happened.</p><p

Options

id="f1c1">Let people know in advance that the service will be recorded and that they can have a copy of the recording afterwards. Most people would not mind being recorded at a memorial service as they understand the recording is primarily for the grieving family but it still polite to inform people in advance that they will be recorded.</p><p id="9d8b">Having a website where people can send in photos, notes and other forms of tribute can be very helpful. This gives family members and friends something to look through and be reminded of the good times and the person their loved one was.</p><h2 id="ba09">5. It is OK to Take Time Off</h2><p id="1081">You do not need to be online all the time. Just because you are a family member or a close friend does not mean you need to be online or visibly present throughout the entire memorial service. If things get too overwhelming, turn the camera off and take a couple of moments for yourself. It is ok to step away.</p><p id="4938">This memorial service is for you as much as it is for others. Other friends are looking to grieve together and this is also an opportunity for them to find support from others with a common loss. You do not need to be there for everyone.</p><p id="d28f">Depending on the coronavirus restrictions in place, it is helpful to still have a small group of immediate family members and friends physically next to you. Even if there are a hundred people who are tuned in to the memorial service, if can feel awfully lonely if you are sitting by yourself. Having someone next to you to hold your hand helps.</p><h2 id="24fe">The Importance of a Memorial Service</h2><p id="2eef">Even if a memorial service is done virtually, the benefits and importance of having a service are still the same as having a physical one.</p><ul><li><b>Brings loved ones together</b> — A service allows us to see that there are people out there who care and whom we can turn to for support. We are able to see the number of people who showed up. These people have put in the effort to show up not only because they loved the person who died, but also because they love and care for those who are still alive. There is support that can be shared from a common experience.</li><li><b>Reminds us of the person our loved one was</b> — The eulogies, tributes, stories, photographs and videos, these memories and pieces of our loved one’s life, all help remind us of the wonderful person our loved one was, the impact on our lives and while that person is no longer around, we still have memories that we can hold onto.</li><li><b>Allows family members and friends to express their loss</b> — A service provides a venue for people to grief together, share memories and know that they are not alone. This is very important to the grieving process and it reinforces the reality of a loved one’s death. A service could provide closure to some or a signal that it might be time to move ahead in the grieving process.</li></ul><p id="e0a2">It is never easy dealing with the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, there is no one method that works for everyone. Having to deal with changes as a result of the coronavirus has been difficult for most of us; having to deal with death during this period of time adds challenges that seem insurmountable. But we are all learning, adapting and trying to make the best of every situation that is thrown at us.</p></article></body>

Does Online Bereavement Work?

An email pinged. Someone died. A tragic accident. Leaving behind his wife and a very young child.

Such an awfully cold way to find out about the death of someone. There were also talks about arranging a virtual memorial service. We are currently experiencing a third wave of the coronavirus in Hong Kong and the social distancing policy is now at “2 people per group”, which is hardly a “group”.

I thought about my own experience earlier this year when I lost a very dear friend. I did not want our friends to hear about his death through the newspapers or by “word-of-mouth” from others, so I reached out to everyone I could think of, about a hundred of them; called them, spoke to them, comforted them, received comfort from them — rinse, wash, repeat. A hundred times. It ended up being too much. I did not need to hear another “I am so sorry …”. I did not need to comfort another person. I did not need to repeat the same story again and live through the details of the accident. It was overwhelming and by the end of it, I was numb. But I did not know how else to deal with this sudden loss.

A friend and I later started planning his memorial. But the coronavirus kept interfering with our plans and we had to shelf it, thinking we’ll do it next month, when the situation improves. The coronavirus situation never did improve, at least not for long before the next wave started.

It has now been 6 months since my friend died. We still have not had a memorial service for him. It does not feel like there has been any closure. Does a memorial service provide closure? Or is that something I tell myself to justify extending the stages of my grief?

The idea of a memorial service conducted virtually, online, on Zoom perhaps, just seemed very odd to me, and maybe even inappropriate? This is a very challenging time for family members and loved ones. Often we need soft words of comfort from others, quietly spoken in small huddles. A group Zoom bereavement session seems too exposed, where everyone’s grief is hanging naked for all to observe.

People need contact, physical contact. A hug. A kiss. A shoulder to cry on. I know when I received news that my friend died, I just wanted to be enveloped inside someone’s embrace. I know I swung violently from wanting physical comfort to wishing that everyone would just disappear and leave me alone. But the point was, I still needed that hug, that kiss, needed someone to sit silently next to me and to tell me I was ok, I was going ok, I will be ok. Even if this grief is mine to bear and something I have to work through, the presence and closeness of family and friends coming together can help with the grieving process.

The coronavirus has interfered with so much of our every day lives. Frustratingly, it now interferes even with how we approach death. All of us have been trying to adjust our daily routine and come up with a new “normal”. We are all doing the best we can. I started thinking I should adjust the way I approach this grieving process and be open to the idea of a virtual memorial. I needed to shift my mindset and re-learn a new way to process death.

Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful when planning a virtual memorial — something I hope many of us never have to go through.

1. Ask for Help

I always think I should try to do everything myself and that I do not want to trouble others with my problems. I feel bad asking others for their time and effort because people have their busy lives. But I have been overwhelmed and humbled by the number of people who came forward and offered to do something, anything, no matter how big or small.

People do want to help. But oftentimes, people have no idea how to help and what type of help is needed. It is ok to ask for help and be specific about the held needed. Do you need someone to come up with a list of attendees, prepare and send out the invitations or gather photographs and other tributes? Tasks can always be broken down and shared among a group of friends. They do not all have to be piled up on your one plate.

2. Outsource the Logistics

Always outsource the logistics. Ideally, the logistics of hosting a virtual memorial should be undertaken by a third party or someone who does not mind addressing all the technical questions like — how do I join Zoom, how do I enter the meeting ID, why is my video not working, why do I see a black screen, is my audio working? Family members and close friends have enough to deal with and should be focusing on the memorial service They do not need to be bogged down with these technical questions throughout the service.

Even though you do not need to cater food and drinks for a large group of people, you should still have some food and drinks for yourself and others at your house. A memorial service is very emotionally exhausting and you do not want to have to fuss over food during or when the service is over.

3. Have aStructure

It helps to have an agenda with a timetable so that people know what to expect and when. It can be very difficult to have some semblance of order and process when the service is done virtually.

Be clear about what time the memorial service starts, when the eulogies will be made and by whom, and if there will be time for other tributes, like stories, poems, from other guests. If there are family members and friends who will be giving eulogies, let them know in advance when their allocated time slot is and how much time they have. Treat this like a memorial service that takes place physically.

4. Have Something Tangible

If possible, have the service recorded. This is for those who are unable to attend the service but would still like to watch it. It is also for family members and friends to re-watch it later, when they are trying to process their grief. The memorial service can whirl by quickly and it is often difficult to take in and remember everything that was said. Being able to replay the service allows you to be reminded of all the positive things others have had to say and gives you the time and space you need to process all that happened.

Let people know in advance that the service will be recorded and that they can have a copy of the recording afterwards. Most people would not mind being recorded at a memorial service as they understand the recording is primarily for the grieving family but it still polite to inform people in advance that they will be recorded.

Having a website where people can send in photos, notes and other forms of tribute can be very helpful. This gives family members and friends something to look through and be reminded of the good times and the person their loved one was.

5. It is OK to Take Time Off

You do not need to be online all the time. Just because you are a family member or a close friend does not mean you need to be online or visibly present throughout the entire memorial service. If things get too overwhelming, turn the camera off and take a couple of moments for yourself. It is ok to step away.

This memorial service is for you as much as it is for others. Other friends are looking to grieve together and this is also an opportunity for them to find support from others with a common loss. You do not need to be there for everyone.

Depending on the coronavirus restrictions in place, it is helpful to still have a small group of immediate family members and friends physically next to you. Even if there are a hundred people who are tuned in to the memorial service, if can feel awfully lonely if you are sitting by yourself. Having someone next to you to hold your hand helps.

The Importance of a Memorial Service

Even if a memorial service is done virtually, the benefits and importance of having a service are still the same as having a physical one.

Brings loved ones together — A service allows us to see that there are people out there who care and whom we can turn to for support. We are able to see the number of people who showed up. These people have put in the effort to show up not only because they loved the person who died, but also because they love and care for those who are still alive. There is support that can be shared from a common experience.
Reminds us of the person our loved one was — The eulogies, tributes, stories, photographs and videos, these memories and pieces of our loved one’s life, all help remind us of the wonderful person our loved one was, the impact on our lives and while that person is no longer around, we still have memories that we can hold onto.
Allows family members and friends to express their loss — A service provides a venue for people to grief together, share memories and know that they are not alone. This is very important to the grieving process and it reinforces the reality of a loved one’s death. A service could provide closure to some or a signal that it might be time to move ahead in the grieving process.

It is never easy dealing with the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, there is no one method that works for everyone. Having to deal with changes as a result of the coronavirus has been difficult for most of us; having to deal with death during this period of time adds challenges that seem insurmountable. But we are all learning, adapting and trying to make the best of every situation that is thrown at us.