Summary

The article humorously explores the notion that parenting ages individuals faster through an satirical online questionnaire designed to predict biological aging and parental status.

Abstract

The web content presents a satirical take on whether parenting accelerates aging, using a tongue-in-cheek online questionnaire to engage readers. It suggests that the stress and lifestyle changes associated with parenting can significantly increase one's biological age. The author, posing as a scientist, seeks a larger sample size to validate their theory, inviting readers to complete the questionnaire for a humorous assessment of their potential parental status and biological age. The article uses humor and exaggeration to discuss the physical and emotional toll of parenting, while also poking fun at various societal stereotypes and the absurdity of online quizzes.

Opinions

The author playfully suggests that parents appear significantly older due to the biological toll of raising children, which may add years to their appearance.
Parenting is humorously described as a condition that can lead to a prematurely aged appearance and demeanor, even in teenage parents.
The article mocks the transformation of parents' fashion choices and daily habits, such as frequenting play parks and consuming ice cream as a makeshift pillow.
It satirizes the idea that engaging in activities like visiting theme parks is more about the chaos of managing children than enjoying the experience.
The piece humorously categorizes individuals based on their questionnaire responses, poking fun at millennial stereotypes, drug and sex culture, and the realities of parenting.
The author uses a satirical tone to convey that while parenting can be challenging and aging, it is also a source of joy and fulfillment, as indicated by the closing personal note.

Spoiler: Yes, and very soon

Does Being a Parent Age You Faster?

Answer these seven questions to find out how soon you will meet your grave

Recent new mother, Stacy, captured in full maternal glow one month after giving birth. Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

Parents look old, don’t they?

Remember being a kid and thinking your mum or dad looked about 3000 years old?

Guess what? They weren’t that old in Roman calendar years, but biologically, they may well have been.

The act of parenting physically degrades the human body, adding anywhere from 10 to 2985 years to the parents' physical appearance.

Even the teenage ones. All of a sudden, they go from wearing Adidas sweatsuits to mail order cardigans and cargo shorts. Their eyes harden, and welcome the foot traffic of crows.

Their track marks crust up and scar.

It can all be explained by science. As a practicing scientist myself, I feel the online questionnaire provides the best evidence base for barely examined theories about pointless drivel.

But before I can submit this to the Nobel Prize, I need a much bigger sample size. I need 10 (at least partially) completed questionnaires, so please, answer generously.

At the end of the questionnaire, I will be able to tell you if you are a parent or not, and what your biological age is with a standard deviation of 1.5 minutes.

Question 1: How often do you reminisce about your youth?

A) Never — I’m still in it you old geezer. B) Sometimes — only after 8 vodka tonics and when the pingers wear off. C) Every day — I have no future, and I need to escape the present.

Question 2: How often do you visit play parks?

A) Never — I hate the sight of children. B) Sometimes — I have weekly plyometric sex with my workout buddy in the monkey bars after our midnight 30km run. C) Every day — It helps to prevent rising insanity.

Question 3: How often do you eat ice-cream?

A) Never — It’s not keto. B) Sometimes — Dairy products are a great hiding spot for transporting amphetamines into music festivals. C) Every day — Ice cream makes a nice soft, cold pillow for when you collapse forwards at the kitchen table in utter exhaustion at 11am.

Question 4: At the sight of a kitten, do you:

A) Ignore it. Kittens are so 2010. B) List it on Facebook marketplace as an Albanian tiger baby in the hope exotic pet collectors will shell out the $14,000 asking price. C) Instinctively scream I WILL NOT TOILET TRAIN ANOTHER FUCKING ANIMAL UNTIL YOU LEARN TO PISS IN THE TOILET BOWL AND NOT MY BATH.

Question 5: What do you enjoy most about theme parks?

A) Nothing. Theme parks are modern day opium for a lobotomized society. B) Desperation filled handjobs from the 38-year-old ‘actor’ playing Mickey Mouse. C) The legitamised opportunity to lose children for up to several hours.

Question 6: McDonalds is:

A) Disgusting. The only benefit is the fashion choices of the employees is horrid enough to make me vomit back up whatever non-keto calories I consume. B) Handjobs from Grimace. C) Part of a healthy, happy, balanced diet when consumed 2–3 times a day.

Question 7: Your ideal party is:

A) Hanging out with 384 of my closest friends in a semi-decrepit abandoned warehouse listening to Skrillex remix the Brady bunch theme song. B) A bowl of keys and a bottle of blue pills. C) Themed black, priests welcome, and I get to lie down in a padded box.

How did you score? (And where, please tell)

Mostly A’s: Congratulations, you are a millennial narcissist who won’t have to ever worry about parenting as long as your Yeezy condoms (Hole Diggers ©) don’t breakdown like the mental state of their ambassador.

Mostly B’s: Did you answer the wrong questionnaire? The ‘Are You a Drug And/or Sex Addict?’ questionnaire is located here.

Mostly C’s: Oh dear. Your Yeezy broke*, didn’t it? You really flopped a steamer in the gene pool. The video below should tell you all you need to know about the dwindling life expectancy of you (and the human race).

*In case my son eventually reads this and thinks he is nothing but a broken-down condom and lifelong regret, relax, this is a work of satire. Yours was more a ‘failure to evacuate in time’ situation. Love you!

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