FALL IN LOVE WITH GOD AGAIN

Does Anyone Actually Believe in God Anymore?

And if not, why not

It’s hard to find people who believe in God these days.

‘Do you believe in God?’

‘No. But I used to.’

What happened? Did He go away? I used to like mushrooms until I went off them. But mushrooms still exist, don’t they?

‘Err… I suppose so.’

Exactly! What happened to the good old days when everyone believed in God? When everyone said, ‘Yes, I believe in God!’ Even if they didn’t.

Even my dad believed.

‘Since when, Dad?

‘Since always.’

‘Wow! Is this the same God who sees you propping up the bar every evening with a girl who isn’t my mother?’

‘The same one,’ he slurred. ‘And he forgives as well — it’s great!’

See! God is great! Total acceptance, total forgiveness at any hour! Only now everyone is so cynical. So hushed and so fucking cool that if you say you believe, you’re lumped in with the paedo crowd.

‘He likes God. And children.’

I live about 2 km from one of the most visited Catholic shrines in France. Second only in popularity to Lourdes. Her name is Saint Thérèse, and she died in 1897 at the age of 24.

This is her grave.

Big, isn’t it? You can fit 4000 people in there, with room to spare!

Yet ask anyone if they believe in God, and you’ll struggle to find a positive answer.

‘Er. Not really — I just come here for the gift shop. And the café isn’t bad either!’

‘WHAT! You travel all this way to get a coffee — and a pen? Haven’t you heard of Starbucks!’

I’m not a believer myself. Not since I was forced every morning at my boys boarding school to attend chapel. I remember the preacher: ‘You will now pray!’

I enjoyed this chapel-time though. It was one of the few occasions I had some time to myself without being punched or kicked. The only other time was sitting on the toilet.

Sleeping was never peaceful. During the night other boys dragged me and my mattress outside onto the landing and slid me down the staircase.

It was called the Sleigh Ride, and was the reason I stopped believing in God (and Santa Claus). I thought He would help me. Instead, he sent me down three flights of stone steps.

That was forty years ago, but I’m ready to forgive and give it another whirl. What’s so wrong with God anyway. We’ve got to believe in something, and seeing as there’s not much on offer these days, God seems like a good option. Plus, you get good coffee.

But I’m certainly in the minority. Even drunks don’t believe in God any longer, and they're the ones who should. Because let’s face it, if you’re a philandering, blasphemous, raging alcoholic, God’s probably your best bet.

But alas, God is NOT cool these days. People prefer to worship the morons crawling out of the rectum of social media than praying to The Almighty. Or some imbecilic celebrity influencer who’s just had his jaw remodeled because his face has cracked open from holding the same smile on Instagram for the past five years.

Where’s God on Twitter, anyway? Or Facebook or WhatsApp? Nowhere. I’ve got more chance of getting hold of Johnny Depp than God.

‘Oi, Depp! Do you believe in God?’

‘Err, hey, yo, yeeeh, err, ye. Cocaine?’

‘No, do you believe in God. It’s a simple question?’

‘Well, yeah, if it’ll get me famous again.’

‘You are already famous.’

‘Am I?’

‘Yes. Except you’ve slipped into the bracket of celebrities who are now only famous for being famous. In short, you’ve become Ozzy Osbourne.’

It’s a shame to see the decline of God, as He used to be the most satirized person/entity in history. And I think he could make a comeback.

‘Really?’ says God.

‘Of course, everyone loves a good God gag.’

God looks at me in the eye with his all-seeing eye. ‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘Why not? The competition is hardly high. Just look on Instagram.’

‘Do you think they’ll believe in me again?’

‘Sure. I will. But one question first. Do you like Mushrooms?’

‘Mushrooms?’

‘Yeah, those horrible fungus things you created.’

‘Oh those. No, can’t stand them.’

‘OK, I’m in. Let’s pray!’

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