Does A Narcissist Know They Are A Narcissist?

The road toward a narcissist knowing they are a narcissist is treacherous, with many twists and turns.

First, there needs to be a spark of awareness. Most narcissists would never bother to learn about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. They might simply know that narcissists brag and think bigly of themselves. The narcissist may admit that perhaps they are like that, but will reason it away: Sure, but what’s wrong with confidence? they might say. Lots of people brag about themselves. Better than being a quiet loser.

As knowledge of narcissism and Cluster B personality disorders spreads through the masses like wildfire, many narcissists might have been called a narcissist by their ex-lovers, friends or family. With this come microscopic cracks in the narcissist’s consciousness, and an awareness of narcissism as a concept breaks through.

Maybe the narcissist runs across an article, or searches up the topic. On the other end of the scale, a narcissist could be a therapist or in the field of mental health. They know all of the terminology and concepts. They might be well-versed in Freud, Jung, Kernberg, CBT, DBT and so on.

Yet no matter what path they take, all a narcissist has at this particular stage is cognitive knowledge about narcissism, and a far-off suspicion that they could be one.

The Narcissist’s Narcissist

The more we learn about narcissism, the more tangled the web becomes. We know there are covert narcissists who lurk in the shadows. We probably do not know they are narcissists. How then can they?

Furthermore, covert narcissists typically fall prey to overt narcissists in a two-person, codependent hierarchy, becoming unadulterated, pure narcissistic supply in the process. If they read up on narcissism, the covert narcissist will quickly see themselves as the victim of narcissistic abuse. Over time, as they delve deeper into the topic, they become more and more convinced of their victimhood. Their narcissism was buried deep to begin with, now another pile of rubble has been tossed on top.

However, there is a path toward enlightenment for the codependent covert narcissist. As they work through their healing and recovery, they grow immune to further abuse. They begin to release the trauma, toxic shame and guilt of their narcissistic relationship, and their confidence grows.

While their victim stance remains, something else emerges. Covert narcissists are covert because they lacked the space and power to manifest their narcissism. Perhaps they grew up in a narcissistic family, or got caught up in a long-term narcissistic relationship early in life. In any case, as they recover and heal, they gain the space and power to become an overt version of who they truly are: A narcissist.

As a result, this narcissist gradually transitions from covert to overt narcissism. Finally, the signs of their disorder sprout up like weeds. The newly-overt narcissist demands more attention, grows louder and more arrogant, and becomes more exploitative and self-involved — perhaps even dabbling in psychopathic, goal-oriented behaviours.

The harder the narcissist pushes into the world, the more the world pushes back. Before, the grandiose fantasies simply floated around in the narcissist’s brain. Now, as they work to manifest these delusions in the world, reality has a chance to challenge them. And while their denial is strong, their behaviour speaks for itself. This eventually comes to a head.

Narcissist Meets Reality

At this part of the story, the covert and overt narcissist’s journey intersects. Here the narcissist has a string of idealised, devalued and discarded relationships behind them. They have been accused by multiple partners of being abusive. They see people in their family and community circles marrying, settling down, and living relatively normal, drama-free lives (At least in comparison to the narcissist). Age catches up with the narcissist. They feel like a character out of Twilight; an immortal vampire who must feed to sustain themselves while watching the mortal world pass them by.

In the early days, the narcissist was dazzled by their disorder. This made them no different to any bright-eyed teenager or young adult filled with audacity and hope, looking to learn about and conquer the world.

Young love is much like narcissistic ‘love’. The first six months are intoxicating, as the young lovers remain inseparable, ‘love bombing’ and ‘idealising’ each other to the point of losing themselves. What could be narcissistic about something so pure and romantic?

However, the narcissist is now approaching middle age, and has just finished discarding their latest partner. They look back on the heady first months of their relationship, and it does not seem so magical and rosy anymore. Perhaps it was even dysfunctional and delusional. A young love mentality does not look good on a person of their age. Hard questions arise, as an unsettling feeling emerges from that long-neglected, deep cave within the narcissist’s soul.

The Long-Dreaded Shadow Emerges

This is the part of the journey where the narcissist either embraces the truth, or they devolve into a permanent state of cynical, angry denial.

Narcissism is a compensation strategy for deep complex trauma. In childhood, the narcissist likely experienced chronic neglect. They were probably controlled and instrumentalised for their parent’s purposes. The narcissist was only valued based on their deeds or appearance. They were likely severely emotionally abused, and even worse.

No child can cope with this. So the child’s True Self gets pushed into the narcissist’s shadow, along with all of the trauma and pain. It remains there, unconscious and repressed for decades, while being replaced with an idealised, grandiose version called the false self.

We all want to feel normal, and be seen as normal in the world. Narcissists are no different. Throughout their lives, reality may have pierced through their false self and exposed some of their shadow, bringing with it immense pain. Deep in the recesses of their soul, the narcissist carries terror and toxic shame. They carry the grief of a lost childhood, and the betrayal of the people they loved more than life itself. ‘Knowing’ you are a narcissist because you read some articles and books is one thing, facing the full horror of this reality and unleashing everything inside your shadow is another.

Reaching A Crossroads

When facing the truth, a narcissist may become suicidal. They may lack the will, strength or support network to explore and integrate their shadow. Some narcissists reach a life situation their grandiose false self is unable to cope with. Old age might arrive, or the narcissist loses their wealth, looks and power. Perhaps they burnt through all of the people in their life, having either discarded them, betrayed them, or frustrated them to the point that they walked away.

For many narcissists, there is no way forward, and no way back. The road of delusion and fantasy hits a dead end, while the road toward their True Self is blocked with a flood of shame, terror, fury, guilt and grief. The narcissist senses that it will kill them if they walk too far into the fire within.

In such cases, the narcissist allows their denial to swallow them whole. They retreat from the world, and spend their final days ruminating about all the people who ‘betrayed’ them. Many delve into the paranoid world of conspiracy theories, projecting their repressed shadow on evil government bodies, elites and ethnic minorities threatening to destroy civilisation.

The Narcissist Who Lives To See The Truth

In rare cases, a truly special narcissist may arise. While walking the road of delusion and fantasy, a big-enough crack suddenly appears in the illusion. Perhaps it happens during the fallout of the narcissist’s latest collapsing relationship. A stroke of luck. A moment of magic. A finger from God. For a split second, the narcissist becomes fully aware of their true essence. Consciousness visits them, and they momentarily see beyond the illusion of their grandiose false self.

Having seen the truth, the narcissist is unable to return to the status quo. They are still a narcissist, yet they have peeped beyond. And so they begin a road of learning and facing their painful emotions. They undergo therapy, and reluctantly accept painful truths. They grieve. They face and release their shame. They sob. They struggle. They walk bravely through the haunted, treacherous path toward their True Self, trembling and terrified, yet resolute nonetheless. They have many, many dark nights of the soul.

Meanwhile, they continue to act out their narcissistic tendencies. Yet over the years, their awareness grows. Their patterns transform, and they reluctantly accept that they are not who they seemed to be. Their grandiosity wanes, and their humility increases. They have heavy days, especially when facing the truth about their upbringing. They grieve the death of their childhood. They find a way to cry for themselves. They begin to check their behaviour, and disengage from their narcissistic tendencies. Eventually, with enough work, the reality comes into full focus, and they see it: I am a narcissist.

Rather than facing the horror of who they are at the Golden Gates, the aware narcissist does so decades earlier. Some things transform and change over the years, some never do. The narcissist learns to make peace with who they are, and does the best with what they have.

This is the best-case scenario. For all other cases, such a beautiful reckoning will never arrive. The delusional narcissist will never truly know what they are, and will pass this life choking in the tangled, crumbling empire of their fantasy world, perhaps having a better chance during the next life.