The Potential Lover I am Glad I Never Met

Dodged A Bullet

“Hi! I ‘check’ the boxes you mentioned and some you didn’t. I’m in a good place in life, grown kids, but I’m sorely neglected. Let’s see if we can be the ‘spark’ we both seem to need. I hope to hear from you,” wrote HornyMonogamy.

He was responding to my naughty from neglect ad on Reddit — the place where married people are looking for affairs. Go check it out! It’s a toxic sludge of deviant behavior.

I didn’t respond quickly enough for this fellow.

On his fourth message, he wrote, “One-way chats kinda suck, Karen. Ha. I’m online all day if you want to continue at some point. I admit I don’t like to share attention. If we chat again, you’ll have mine…will I have yours?”

Seriously? What a jerk.

I wrote back — my first mistake.

“I have lots of messages.”

“I’m sure you do. But they’re not me.”

Oh boy. This guy is full of himself.

“I’d like to find a lover who would provide a much-needed distraction, now and beyond,” he added.

I’m sure you would buddy. You and everyone else.

I didn’t respond.

“Fckin redheads…” he wrote.

Motherfucker.

I get pissed when my hair is called into action. I’m a typical redhead. Quick to anger, fiery, and fierce. I do not back down easily.

“You cursing at me isn’t making a good impression, just saying,” I responded.

“And usually not my style. My apologies. I assumed you moved on based on the silence,” he wrote.

“I have been checking out all the messages…but not ‘moving on’ quite yet,” I responded.

But I will soon. Just giving you one more chance.

“I think we’ll both be happy you didn’t,” he wrote.

I didn’t respond.

Let him wait. I was still pissed about the redhead comment.

“Good morning. You around to chat today? I have a few openings. I’m dying to know more about you.”

“Text? I can text later, mid-afternoon,” I responded.

“Will our flicker survive that long? I want a blaze.”

Dude. Really?

“I hope so…” I responded.

I doubt it.

I didn’t text him later that day and the next because I was busy with other men who responded to my ad. I got sidetracked by much nicer guys saying sweet and sexy things in my inbox.

HornyMonogamy wrote me a poem:

I once Kik’d a girl with red hair Started slow, tried to flow, words not there We’d flirt then we’d spar then we’d share I’d push then she’d pull, would we pair?

He’s rhyming!! He wrote me a freaking poem! No guy has ever worked this hard responding! I was reading and smiling from ear to ear. Does this guy know that I love words?

I’m doing my best Writing so much in jest Unreturned notes, who’d of guessed? Now I’m dying to see, would she be my AP? Or, a mirage that was not meant to be.

So I had to be clever in return…

I have to think of something. I’m not a rhymer. I hate rhyming. It seems so grade schoolish, but I gave it my best shot.

There once was a guy on Kik. Who was so intriguing. Sparked cell phone pinging… Wouldn’t fall for any tricks.

He was as demanding as fuck. Finally, I might have good luck?

Did I want to play along? Worth all the deceiving? His face was so appealing. All this for a schlong?

“BOOM! FINALLY! Don’t fight it; your body is guiding you.”

UGH. I can’t be with a man who writes BOOM, can I? And your body guiding you? I think I just threw up a little.

I didn’t write back.

The following day I received this tirade:

“I need your words. I have NEVER given a potential affair partner this much attention,” he wrote.

Really? Then you are shit out of luck. Because I doubt most women are going to suck your dick right out of the bat.

“And in return, generally lukewarm words, tame pics, and too many ‘ifs’.”

What?

I agreed with the tame pics (OPSEC, people) and lukewarm (more cold than warm honestly), but the if’s? What if’s? It was more like never’s. Never in a thousand years. Never ever. NEVER.

“Stoke the fire. My attention is waning,” he wrote.

“You are difficult.”

“And not worth it,” I added.

“I shouldn’t be the one jumping,” I wrote a few minutes later.

Damn you for pushing my buttons! We are either going to light each other up in bed or torpedo our lust with this back and forth. I wasn’t sure which, yet. Why was I so attracted to him?

“I should be jumping?” Is that so? So old school,” he wrote.

Yes, you are the man with the schlong who wants to get laid, right? Last time I checked, my inbox was full of waiting dick.

“I’m not playing by your rules if you haven’t noticed,” I wrote.

No sizzle in the sack for you!

“I can walk away. I don’t think I’m pushing at all, really. Trying to fill both our needs.”

Yeah, right. Not pushing, my ass. And my ass would like pushing…

“My needs are give and take to get to know each other. No ultimatums.”

“You are difficult,” he wrote.

I chuckled. Damn. That was a good comeback.

SOB but a smart SOB.

“Sadly, the tone of our chats is starting to dampen my enthusiasm,” he wrote.

Wait, there was enthusiasm?

Another tirade from him followed:

I don’t jump. I don’t plead. I don’t play games. I don’t waste time. You intrigue me. Not so much that I’m willing to compromise. Which are very reasonable.

Reasonable?

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Danger Will Robinson! Abort! Every synapse in my brain was firing. Don’t respond. Don’t. This guy is bad news. I was as horny as fuck, but I was also sane.

“This is a game I’m not playing any longer. I’m out. Good luck.”

I blocked and deleted his ass.

Dodged a bullet.

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