About Me
Doctor, I Think You’re An Impostor
Why I was forced to leave my medical career
Hi there, people of the Internet. I’m Nic. It would be terribly rude of me not to start with an introduction, wouldn’t it?
I had been on a rollercoaster ride for the past 10 years (figuratively…) and this year, I finally got off.
Life (rollercoaster, 🎢) had taken me through many incredible ups (😊) and downs (😞) in the previous decade. In that time, I had the chance to live abroad and achieve my dreams of becoming a medical doctor. I also battled anxiety and depression, and ended a long-term relationship, before succumbing to burnout during the pandemic.
I’m not sure about you, but I don’t trust rollercoasters. Maybe it’s got something to do with my heightened senses attributed to a lifetime of anxiety because there’s always a false sense of assurance that it’s coming to an end.
But no, before you are able to catch your breath, you’re off to ascend the next Lift Hill (the part of the rollercoaster where you’re transported up the slope, usually using a chain, a cable or tyres. I googled this).
The burnout led to a withdrawal from clinical practice and then a minor career switch into healthcare administration. Then came a couple of quick-fire failed relationships before I finally met my wife — Aly.
She wasn’t quite the type of girl I imagined I would marry, but by 30, and having gone through everything that I had, I knew that she was all I ever needed and I counted myself lucky to find someone as beautiful both on the inside and out.
I proposed 6 months into our relationship and we got married a year later. That was at the end of 2023.
Fast-forward 3 months, we’re expecting. 🙀
And this is where I got off the “rollercoaster”.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT DO YOU EVEN MEAN….
I’m sorry but I hope you’ll get used to my writing (and my thoughts). What I mean is that I finally quit being on auto-pilot mode and allowing myself to be dragged along by the rollercoaster (= life), from the G-force, gravity and everything else.
I spent much of my life trying to be the best version of myself. However, that was often the version I thought others wanted. I was respectful to my peers and my seniors, driven in my education, and filled with compassion for others. I had a fair number of friends, led the school military band, excelled at football (or soccer, depending on where you’re from) and performed reasonably well in my studies.
Yet, for most of it, I thought of it as my role. I thought that that was what was expected of me.
I also took no notice of my burgeoning anxiety. I had simply attributed it to my introverted personality and my lack of self-confidence. So I put on my mask and went on with life.
I had chosen to apply to medical school on my own accord. I was one of the first responders in a failed resuscitation of a road traffic accident victim. From then on, I vowed to equip myself with the knowledge and skills to not let that happen again.
I then worked incredibly hard in the subsequent years to attain a near-perfect GPA, packaged a well-rounded application with beautifully written essays, conquered the medical school entrance exam (MCAT), and convinced multiple highly intelligent and skilled professors during the interviews to let me through the doors of their medical school.
Yet when I graduated as a fully-fledged doctor, I was swept up in the fast-paced and unforgiving environment of hospitals, and my anxiety became uncontrollable and started spiralling into depression. Coupled with the social isolation arising from the COVID-19 pandemic (my family was living down under), it accelerated my path to burnout.
I cried daily on my way to work. I was not sleeping well, not eating much, and barely taking any breaks at work. When I got home, I felt drained, defeated, and alone. I ruminated over my decisions at work and feared being berated by unkind senior colleagues. I also stopped responding to family and friends.
At that point, I no longer cared for anything. Not for my patients, not for myself or anyone else. I had lost all empathy and I just needed out. I was no longer the doctor I’d hoped I’d be.
I felt like an impostor.
Life (i.e. the rollercoaster) gave me airtime — not the amount of time given to debate — but that sickening (I mean exhilarating) sensation of a drop that rollercoasters bring. I had come crashing down so hard I struggled to recognise who I was anymore. My entire identity, purpose and drive for the preceding 10 years was built on being a doctor. It had completely crumbled.
Family and friends were obviously concerned. At first, it was hard to talk about. And it took me a couple of years to finally come to terms with what had happened, and accept that I needed to walk away to save myself. Aly was vital in that process.
The road that my parents, teachers, bosses, and friends have hoped for me — and I know they continue to hope — is for me to return to the trialled and tested path. Being a doctor indeed brings in a decent income and allows for a comfortable life. I guess in rollercoaster terms, it gets you back safely to the starting point.
In the past few years, I hadn’t rediscovered the drive nor the purpose. I spent a lot of time wondering if I should return to clinical practice. But the day we found out that we were going to have a baby, as cliché as it sounds, that changed me. It was like a switch had flipped, auto-pilot was now off. I knew that I had to be better and stronger for my kid.
It has given me a lot of positive energy and plenty more inspiration. With that, I’ve decided to no longer stick to the box that everyone has placed me in.
Yes, I am a doctor. But I can also be so much more.
Right now, I have committed to being a writer. I want to help others who have been through similar experiences know they are not alone. I also want to be able to pen down my thoughts and commit to my own growth publicly.
If you have lost me in my ramblings, this article is NOT REALLY about rollercoasters. Neither am I a specialist in rollercoasters, evidently… but reading about it was pretty cool. This has been just a little sneak peek through the window that opens up into my life experiences.
If you’re wondering if the rest of my stories will be as heart-sinking as the drops of a rollercoaster, YES. Is it going to be less unhinged? Maybe not. But I promise to bring you comfort just as a doctor should, and hopefully build a supportive community as we go.
I am no expert in writing here. Nor have I figured it all out. Perhaps I never will. But I have embraced my experiences, and I want to help others do the same. I’m not sure if I had read this somewhere or maybe I dreamt this quote up:
“You are not merely the sum of your experiences. You are the product of your experiences.” — Nic Rafael, 2024
You are everything you’ve ever thought, felt, and experienced all mashed into one, and amplified. Positive or negative, they all count. But be assured that the product of two negatives is always a positive. (Mathematicians, please correct me if I’m wrong. I’m always willing to learn.)
If you’ve enjoyed my brief story and are interested to follow me for more, I will be writing on the following topics:
- Pregnancy through the lens and experiences of a first-time dad (odd I know, but I think there ought to be more support for expectant daddies)
- Mental health with a focus on personal and practical advice on how to recover from burnout and manage your anxiety
- Self-Care and then Self-Improvement, in the physical, mental (psychological), social, spiritual, and professional aspects
- Notion & Productivity — yes, I’m a huge Notion nerd. And I’ll also be starting a project “Notion Revolution” to help people organise and manage their lives and take the uncertainties and anxiety out of their careers and everyday lives.
Right now, I’m getting off the rollercoaster, and if you’re keen, you can join me. Only this time, WE will get to decide which rollercoaster we’ll ride next.
To you, my friend who has read till this point. Thank you. I cherish you.
If you’re willing, let me know:
- Your story — who you are, whether you’ve experienced something like me, and how you are now
- And just for fun, which is the best roller coaster you’ve ever been on?
- 📣 If you think this story can help someone you know, share it with them!
- 📱Follow me on Medium for new stories, or snippets of it on Instagram or X (Twitter) if you’re on there!
- 👥👥 I am looking to grow a supportive community to share more of my tips and useful tools for first-time dads and people struggling to cope with anxiety and burnout from their work. Subscribe if that’s what you need!
