Do Your Hands Get Colder Than a Polar Bear’s Toenails?

I found the solution to our armsicles…

Do you get colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra? Do your fingers turn bluer than a smurf chugging antifreeze? Do you have all the circulation of an anemic lizard?

I do.

I’ve got more blankets than a Bed Bath & Beyond and more sweaters than a Cosby rerun. I need them because I’m colder-blooded than a gecko. And the freezing always starts with the phalanges.

But sweaters, blankets and their lovespawn, ponchos, aren’t always suitable. What if you’re perimenopausal, your torso is hotter than Beelzebub's ballsack and just your arms and hands are cold?

This is why I never understood vests. Especially those puffy winter sumabitches. Whose torso gets cold but their arms are overheating? What sort of Marvel-level superpower are these Johnny Storm, Human Torch humans?!

I need the exact opposite of a vest. I need…just sleeves.

So…I made them.

And all it took was a few dollars and a pair of scissors.

I took my brokeass to the Dollarama and bought a big ole pack of knee-high socks. Yes, they have adorkable unicorns on them.

Now all I needed to do was go full Sweeney Todd.

I’m a cold-ass bitch. I’ll cut you (socks).

You likely see where this is going by now. You lop off the toes of the socks like you’re arctic winter frostbite.

Would a sane adult woman wear these out in public? Meh, I would. I ran out of fucks to give in the summer of 2004. If I don’t have to live on a heating pad all winter like I’m a god-damned pet gecko I’d wear a burlap sack.

But winters are long. I think I’ll need a few more of these arm burritos (thank you Claire Kelly for naming my armsicles)…

This is officially the cheapest warmth I’ve ever had. My arms couldn’t be warmer if I was shoulder-deep birthing a calf.

If you’re wondering if I have a small pile of severed toe covers sitting next to me now. Yes, yes I do. Hmm…I do hate to be wasteful. If my new arm burrito side hustle takes off I’ll have thousands of the things. I’ll also need some upselling products.

How big is the monocle-style eye patch market? Asking for a friend.

Perhaps crossing markets from unicorn arm burritos for the ladies to eye patches for swashbucklers is a stretch. I should stick to the ladies. Hmm…where else could these eye-socket-sized patches be used when it’s a tit nippley outside?

Huzzah! Nipple warmers. Yup, arm burritos and matching winter-grade nipple tassels. That’s how the sausage gets made people; my business for cold-blooded bitches is born.

Alright, I’m off to go pre-order a Maserati.