Do You Want to Know Why Suffering Is so Seductive?

My very first story on Medium reached 1k views and ~750 reads in less than two weeks. So naturally, this made me curious about the reasoning behind it, and I’ll share my insight with you right now.

I don’t expect to make a living from writing on Medium. My motivation behind writing, though, is to vent my anger, especially towards my husband. Why? Because we have a toddler around us, and hot topics are subject to potential conflict — as in, yelling and smashing things.

To my surprise, I found writing to be a safe outlet where I can gain some clarity over my thoughts and share my pain with people that might relate to it. And so far, I managed to find a crowd interested in my suffering.

This story presents suffering’s seductive angle from two perspectives: belongingness and narcissism.

Belongingness

One reason for the unexpected success of my first story was that I vented about my husband. I felt sabotaged for my efforts to better myself. And quite possibly, there are other people, readers, and writers that can relate to my pain. Please notice that I am not putting a label on men here. Being an asshole is gender-free.

Feeling relatable stems from belongingness. On Maslow’s pyramid of needs, belongingness is defined as the emotional need of being accepted into a group where you can give and receive attention from others. This need is so important that Maslow has included its physiological needs, safety, self-esteem, and self-actualization.

Furthermore, according to Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary ("The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation." Psychological Bulletin. 1995):

All human beings need a certain minimum quantity of regular, satisfying social interactions. Inability to meet this need results in loneliness, mental distress, and a strong desire to form new relationships.

Judging on this need, it is understandable why my story of suffering was so seductive to many. Either we like it or not, relationships will always be tough. In long-term relationships, arguments and disappointment happen even more often than many of us would like to admit. So when you read a story that you can relate to, it’s almost like you have said it yourself. It makes you feel that it’s yours.

Narcissism

There is a slight hint of narcissism in people when they help others.

“God is attracted to weakness. He can’t resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him.” — Pastor Jim Cymbala

When my husband and I started dating, I was very insecure. I felt so lucky that such a stable guy would even look at me, let alone commit to a relationship. He also helped me from a financial perspective to go through my studies. I’m still grateful for that. But I never felt good about the whole set-up. I hated being dependent while he thrived in this relationship. I thought that I was his shadow, and my name didn’t even matter. I was presented as “his girlfriend.”

For all practical purposes, he was helping me. Yet, as his satisfaction grew, my self-esteem sank even more. He was the Prince Charming saving the damsel in distress since he often reminded me that he was treating me like a princess. My suffering, under the form of weakness, was seductive for him.

Later on, when I established myself as a professional and was no longer dependent on him financially, the seductiveness faded away. The only thing he was willing to give me was material resources. Whenever I asked for time, connection, and authenticity, he told me that I needed all these because I was bored. So he recommended that I take a hobby instead.

He randomly confessed one day a strange thing. I was overwhelmed by frustration that I can’t convince him to be there for me, and while discussing this, I started crying. He said, “look, now I want to hug you.” He otherwise never comes out of the blue to show affection, but if he sees me weak, he’s triggered. This is not right; this is not love — it’s a pity. Thanks, but no, thank you!

We are attracted by people that need help. Sometimes for offering genuine assistance but more often than not to validate our abilities. The possibility to help someone propels you at least one ladder higher than the person that needs the help. And this, in itself, is quite a self-confidence booster.

Empathy is another good reason for willingly partaking in someone else's suffering. Perhaps you have already been there yourself to understand what that person is going through easily, or maybe you’re just familiar with the emotion that person is feeling.

And then there’s also the type of people who want to immerse in different kinds of situations to taste the different flavors of life.

A thing is for sure: suffering (or some degree of it) is seductive. That’s why some people choose to play one role or the other for their entire lives. Some will always play the victim, waiting to be rescued, while the rest will thrive on making themselves useful through others’ needs. Once this balance is broken, the transactions demand for suffering will shift to a new victim.

My readers are from both these categories. This makes writing about my suffering interesting enough to continue with going forward.

Love,

/ET.

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