PRETTY FLY FOR A DEAD GUY
Do You Want to be an Ugly Skeleton or a Sexy Skeleton?
Call DazzleBonez to look hella fly when you die
We’ve all been there.
You’re watching the History Channel on TV and some archeologist starts digging up an old ass skeleton. He’s yammering on about his findings, but you’re too distracted to listen. All you can think is…
That is one ugly fucking skeleton.
Friends, DO NOT LET THAT SKELETON BE YOU.
Thousands of years from now, when science nerds dig you up to study your bones, do you want to look like this stupid dummy? This bald, toothless wretch?
I didn’t think so.
You want to look so hot that the archaeologists blush when they dust the sediment off of your rotting skull.
So listen up, shitbricks. Because we can help.
Upon your passing, the DazzleBonez team will use our 5 step process to ensure your skeleton is camera-ready.
- We’ll melt away your flesh using our patented CorpseBlaster technology. So long beer belly!
- We’ll permanently whiten your bones with our top-secret chemical mixture, CorpseGuard. Ooh La La!
- We’ll glue a stunning wig to your head. Choose from 3 sexy styles: perm, mullet, or “The Elvis.” Cool coif, bro!
- We’ll place ping pong balls in your gaping sockets and draw eyes on them. Helloooo, gorgeous!
- We’ll bury you with props to add mystique. I’d tap that carcASS!
Are you intrigued yet?
Here are some of our most frequently asked questions:
What if my wig goes out of style by the time I am dug up?
Our hairstyle options are timeless.
Can you pose my hands so it looks like I’m making cool gang signs?
Yes, as long as we can get to it before rigor mortis sets in. To be safe, you should make the gang signs as you are dying.
For example, when the plane is going down, don’t use your hands to grab at the air mask — MAKE THE GANG SIGNS!
I heard CorpseGuard chemicals are harmful to the environment. Is that true?
No.
What if global warming or nuclear war destroys humankind before I am dug up?
In the event of a human wipeout, we are confident an alien scientist will eventually dig you up. CorpseGuard chemicals are Armageddon proof.
OK. That really makes me think the chemicals are bad for the environment. Are you sure they’re safe?
You’ll be dead. Who gives a shit?
Good point. Can I be buried with a briefcase so the human or alien scientist thinks I was important?
Of course. We’ll use our fine collection of props to ensure your reputation in the future is rock solid.
OJ Simpson is one of our celebrity customers. He’s going to be buried with a football, not a knife and glove. The aliens will say “Wow! What a sporty guy!” not “Wow! What a murderous bastard!”
See? That’s the magic of props at work.
Great! How do I sign up?
Just call 1-800-SKULLFUK or email us at [email protected].
Act now to secure your spot. The CorpseGuard chemicals may lead to an influx of newly deceased customers soon.
Wait, what?
Don’t worry about it! Here. Have a coupon for FREE ice cream at ANY Dairy Queen in North America.
Wow! Thanks, DazzleBonez!
A dark gem from the artiste Preeti Ramachandran:
