Do You Want Me To Ever Start Trusting You Again?

Then you better start earning it.

Are you a trusting soul?

Someone who is willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and take them at their word. Choosing to believe in the inherent good nature of others.

However, what if your amicable nature is used against you and your trust is broken? Seemingly shattered beyond repair.

What then?

This is the very question I have been pondering a lot these days. After my recent bout with cancer, many people have disappeared from my life. There are undoubtedly a variety of reasons for this, but ultimately I believe I fell into the category of “damaged goods.” Defective to the point that it made them uncomfortable.

Whatever the reason may be, I have come to terms with it all. I just use it as an inspiration for renewed strength in my remaining relationships.

Be that as it may, something else happened as a result of my diagnosis. Namely, a few people who had all but disappeared from my life suddenly want back in.

One of those people is my brother… the bully.

He is someone that I have not spoken to for years. There are many good reasons for that, and they all began a very long time ago during our troubled childhood.

We grew up in a single-parent family as my father vanished when we were quite young. This left my mother to take care of us all on her own. This was a task that she was clearly not ready for. She was still at the age where partying and finding a new man stood out as her top priorities in life.

The result was that my older brother and I were alone most of the time and essentially left to raise ourselves.

For whatever reason, my brother decided to use this as an opportunity to target me daily. Perhaps it was a way to vent his pent-up frustrations. A release of sorts. Who knows. There is one thing I do know for a fact though:

It was a time of pure terror for a little boy.

I was always left wondering where and when the next beating would come. I could not escape it and had nowhere to hide. Whether it be by fists, belts, or hockey sticks, the attacks were part of my life for many years. The worst of it would happen when he would invite his friends to come over to enjoy the “show.” Utter humiliation.

It was a difficult time in my life. I remember watching television shows where the older sibling would always take good care of his little brother. Protecting him from the schoolyard bully.

Why couldn’t that be what happened here? What was wrong with me?

In my case, my older brother was the schoolyard bully! Worse yet, I was his target and had nowhere to go that I could escape his wrath. He was always there.

This torrent of abuse continued until I became a young man who was physically able to protect and stand up for himself. While the physical attacks stopped on that day, the emotional abuse continued well into my adult years.

And now, after I have just recovered from cancer, he suddenly wants back in.

What am I supposed to do with that? Can my trust really be regained so easily?

This question triggers a memory of when I first met my little dog, Ruby. When I originally laid eyes on her, she was at the local animal shelter and cowering in her cage. The closer I got to her, the more she shrunk away.

I was inexplicably drawn to her, but she was just not ready to be loved. Someone had broken her ability to trust a long time ago.

Abused and left to die.

For weeks I would visit her at the shelter every single day. I would sit by her cage and soothingly talk to her. Eventually, I was able to feed her from my hand, bit by bit. Soon afterward, she would lay on top of me to take her naps.

I earned her trust.

When I was recovering from my recent cancer surgery, Ruby would lie by my side all day long. The same way I did with her when we first met at the shelter. Now she never leaves my side. We are always together, and will be until one of us decides it is time to leave this life.

You see, trust cannot be regained so easily. It is delicate and easily shattered. Once it has been broken, it leaves behind a trail of bitter scars in its wake. Ones that take a very long time to heal. There are no shortcuts in this process.

It is not about holding grudges or getting even with anyone. That just ends up hurting the one carrying that burden in the end. No, instead it has everything to do with trust. That is the true path forward.

Want me to forgive and forget?

Then you better start proving it.

You can start by earning my trust!