Do You Want a Happier Relationship? Admit When You Mess Up

You’ll feel better for doing the loving thing

For most of my life, I struggled with admitting I was wrong. Now, I actually look forward to it.

What brought on my about-face?

The best way I can put it is that I have seen the light. As a result of decades of working on myself, I’ve come to realize that nothing is more important to me than being kind and loving to people — my wife, first and foremost.

Despite that heartfelt insight, there will continue to be occasions when I “lose it,” spouting words to my wife that, let’s just say, I’m far from proud of.

That won’t change. I will always sometimes say the wrong thing.

What can and has changed is how I respond in the aftermath of speaking unkindly to her.

The “new me” takes responsibility for my words. I unhesitatingly apologize when an apology is in order. Not once have I regretted doing so.

An Example of the “New Me” in Action

Yesterday afternoon, I screwed up (gee, I didn’t have to search very far back into my memory bank to recall that, lol).

Here’s what happened, detailed in 3 parts — The Screwup, Self-Reflection, and Time to Apologize.

The Screwup

Yesterday, my wife told me she arranged for two different friends to give her a ride to her upcoming COVID-19 vaccination appointment as a backup just in case we have car problems that morning.

I thought getting two back-ups was ridiculous.

My response was something like this: Come on, Dee, you gotta be kidding me! In seven years, the car hasn’t broken down even once, and a few weeks ago, we put in a new battery. How likely is it that it’s going to break down the morning of your vaccination? I understand your arranging for a backup ride, but two backups? Are you freaking serious???

Oy, that’s not exactly me at my best!

Self-reflection

I was very unhappy with how I spoke to Dee. That’s not me.

I pride myself on being a supportive, non-judgmental husband, and I was anything but that in my words and tone. I can do better. There’s never an excuse for me to talk to Dee like that.

Even though I don’t get why Dee needs two backups, if it makes her feel better, why not? It’s not like it hurts anyone. And Dee has been super-stressed out since the virus hit. This is not the time to focus on who is right and who is wrong (not that the time is ever right for that).

Time to Apologize

A few minutes later, I asked Dee if we could talk. I said to her: I’m so sorry for how I spoke to you earlier. That was really insensitive of me. If it makes you feel better to have two backups for your vaccine appointment, I understand.

Short, sweet, and most definitely straight from my heart.

Dee, the forgiving person that she is, was very appreciative. That is one of the many things that I love about her — she never holds a grudge.

There you have it. Rinse and repeat.

I’m happy to say the wash cycles have been occurring less frequently — I’m doing better and better at putting my mind in gear before putting my mouth in motion.

Not only that, but on those occasions when my mind slips out of gear, I’m quicker and quicker to apologize.

The Benefits of Admitting When You’re Wrong

Where do I begin? There are oh-so-many benefits to admitting when you are wrong — to your relationship, to your partner, and to yourself.

It’s a Gift to Your Relationship

When you admit you’re wrong:

• It’s an affirmation that you and your partner are a team with the same primary intention — to be loving to each other. Being loving takes precedence over everything else, including, of course, maintaining the stance that you are right.
• It will help restore positive feelings between you and your partner (as opposed to unresolved conflicts). When conflicts aren’t resolved, they’re never entirely forgotten, and resentments tend to linger on, building up with time.

It’s a Gift to Your Partner

Here’s what Dee said when I asked her how she felt after I apologized to her.

I felt understood. I felt like I wasn’t being judged.

Her answer didn’t surprise me in the least. We all want to be understood. We all dislike being judged.

That’s the power of giving a heartfelt apology to your partner.

It’s a Gift to Ourselves

This is how apologizing benefits me:

• It teaches me that making a mistake is not as big of a deal as I perceive it to be. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or that I’m a terrible person. There’s no reason for me to feel ashamed or to beat myself up.
• It feels so right when my words are in sync with my core loving self, with my inner goodness. There is no feeling that quite compares to it.
• It sets the stage for me to learn from my mistake. After I apologize and my apology is accepted, I feel so appreciative of the loving connection we just made that I’m off-the-charts motivated to do better the next time.

How Are You With Admitting When You’re Wrong?

I hope you’re terrific with it and that both you and your partner are appreciating all of the benefits.

If, like me, you find it challenging to admit when you’re wrong, here are some questions to ponder:

• What gets in the way of admitting to your partner that you’re wrong?
• How do you feel about yourself when you don’t admit it?
• How do you think your partner feels when you don’t admit it?
• How do you feel about yourself when you admit being wrong?
• How do you think your partner feels when you admit it?

Takeaways

If you find it challenging to admit your mistakes, I suggest you try it on for size more often — experience how it feels. Start with little things, such as apologizing for forgetting to throw out the garbage.

Be patient with yourself. Psychologists say that many people find it difficult to apologize for a host of different reasons.

The expression “simple but not easy” comes to mind — simple meaning that it’s easy to understand that apologizing when you are wrong is the right thing to do. Not easy because, for one, it puts you in an emotionally vulnerable position, as your heartfelt apology may get rejected.

It all comes down to your willingness to do whatever it takes to be the best possible version of yourself. Bear in mind — don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. Nobody is perfect.

When you make a mistake, view it as an opportunity to take responsibility for your error. The best way to do that is with a heartfelt apology.

You will never regret it. It’s the loving thing to do.

Thanks as always to my amazing writing coach Michelle Loucadoux, MBA, for her expert editing and caring.