Do You Truly Know What You Want? Be Loyal to Your Heart
For real, please tell me
Deep into the depths of your spirit have you taken the time to really know what you want, in loyalty to your heart? Not just what you need to survive, to get by day to day — your true wants.
How you want your life to look like, interdependently of your partner, too?
If you’re single, so happy just being with you, and want real love — what does your want of real love with another look like?
What does real love for yourself look like?
Granted you don't have to be as detailed about what color undies they wear. For yourself, great.
But what is your vision?
Do you even envision?
Have you even asked yourself what you want?
Are your present wants truly congruent with your inner peace, your heart, your true self?
Are they even your wants or someone else’s?
Picture it all in your mind. Write it into existence! Know it! Own it!
Too often, we not only neglect our needs, but we don’t even spend our own time asking ourselves:
What do I want in life?
Do you want inner peace? Do you want loving kind relationships? Do you want to feel more joy? Do you want real love?
You have got to know this. Start here. Or not, it’s all up to you to make yourself.
No one else.
See the thing is, if you are completely oblivious to your wants, and are also a people pleaser — your life will mold around what other people think you need or want. Or even more out there, what you think someone else wants for your life. Sometimes only guessing! Or what others tell you that you’d be good at in life.
I did it with my parents.
There was no option not to get a higher education, they’re retired teachers. I have a BA in English and multiple age-level teacher licenses. My father’s motto: Knowledge is power.
I knew my dream, I know my dream — be a writer, be an artist, be a performer, an entertainer, a joy creator.
They also knew my dream. I voiced it.
And I knew what I wanted, but I adjusted my behavior to suit their fears of the poor artist trope (and their disappointment) in molding my whole 20s. But at the end of every one of those days, that was on me.
I gave decades of my life to someone else’s expectations. Not just my parents, but with exes too.
And although I’m pretty good at finding the good in situations, the undercurrent of my being was pulled in a direction where I was constantly feeling askew. Out of alignment with not only my needs, but my wants.
I taught on and off in various roles for 20 years. Went halfway through my Masters in Education. But I would step back and be a dog walker, a Harley Davidson sales girl, a waitress, a mortgage company secretary, a retail clerk. Sure, my adhd didn't help jack shit.
But the three long happys in my life, writing and art and performing went way back into the dusty corners of my existence. And I was not being true to myself, not fully. I was me through and through. But being true to my purposes, what I feel I’m here on Earth for, no.
I’ve always written from a small child on, every day I write. Every day for nearly forty years now. It’s my solace, my haven, my thoughts on a page, a place for my existence outside my existence.
My family would read my musings, I’d write Instagram thoughts, Facebook rambles but writing for the world, never mind writing for the world and supporting myself — you might have asked me if I wanted to start a new colony on the moon, singlehandedly — it seemed impossible.
Somedays, it still does.
And that makes me feel sad and angry. Sangry. Upset I didn't have the faith in myself to stand up for my life. For my expectations. For my needs and wants. Because I didn't want to let anyone down. And I usually didn't. Everyone else's needs and wants were well cared for.
You know whose needs, nevermind wants weren't cared for?
Mine.
I let myself down. And no one really knew I was withering because my creative being had been tucked away for the happiness of others.
My happiness, my peace is my responsibility.
If I neglect joy and inner peace that’s fucking selfish of me. I’m now placing that responsibility on someone else. How the fuck will they have time to figure out their wants, needs, dreams if they are consumed with mine?
When your self-compassion goes by the wayside — and when I say self-compassion, I mean knowing your wants deeply, knowing your needs, knowing what you must have for self-care, and knowing how to cope when shit comes your way — because it will.
When it goes by the wayside, we suffer. We all do. Because you’re living someone else’s life! You’re living for someone else’s wants!
You are living a against the grain of your heart.
And your body will tell you. You'll get migraines, pains from muscle tension, you'll not sleep well, or eat well, or be well. Because you're living in a body that needs and wants a different path.
A healthy path.
So we go in day in and day out keeping our thoughts to ourselves, deferring our choices, our lives, our needs to others. Because if we choose our path and then we fuck up, don’t have to blame ourselves.
How do I know this?
I did it.
But no more.
No more.
I’m 43 years old. And out of those 43 years, only three of my years in life have I ever lived for me.
I’m a caring, helpful individual. Seva, selfless service with no need for it in return, is a part of my daily practice.
“Seva is both the natural expression of love and a way to cultivate it. It’s the goal and the practice, the destination and the journey. More directly, seva is love.” The Sikh Idea of Seva Is an Antidote to Our Current Malaise, ~ Simran Jeet Singh
But this server also needs to serve my dreams.
My undercurrent of joy includes my long happys. So I can not live off just my savings, support everyone I love and thrive in being a writer and an artist.
A joy creator.
I have emotional support. I have people who have faith in me. But now, I also have faith in me. I care for myself just as much as I care for others. I invest energy into myself, instead of into unaware jackasses who have no bearing in my life.
You must have your own thoughts. Listen to those who you know truly care for you and your well being.
But know, please know, if you do not have your own questions, aren’t true to your heart (and you know when you’re not, you feel it in your spirit, your body, your heart, your mind) — when you cannot hear your heart because of the noise of everyone else’s needs and wants — you will dim.
And everyone around you will have to give some of their light to get you back.
Make actionable steps to getting back to you. If it’s goals, give even a slice of time to yourself.
You are worthy of your precious precious time.
You are worthy of your care.
You are worthy of your compassion.
You are worthy of your love.
In fact, you are love.
And if I can say anything today that stays with you in your mind please be true to yourself and your wants too.
Don’t be an unaware selfish only jackass, though. Some people make their wants the center of everyone’s existence.
But start by being selfish. Because being only selfless helps no one in the long run. We’re not living alone in a vacuum. Eventually someone will have to devote their time and care for the neglected parts of your being selfless.
And I’m not over here trying to start a moon colony all on my own.
I have a grand dream of living my purpose with my long happys, and a grand dream of peace on earth for all beings.
Right now, in knowing my wants, I can live my dream in a way I am sure my future self will be proud of me.
My dream of writing and arting to help people however I can, also means I’m helping me too. And acceptance of any help which may be gifted to me.
The same way I offer this care, this love, this help to others, I too am deserving of.
Now I live for my dreams too.
So tell me, what do you deeply want for you to be true to you?
Please, for the sake of all our peace.
In the balance between selfish and selfless,
in the middle there is you,
dear Self,
walking
a way
of Love.
With radical love,
🌈💜
~namaste~
“It is said that the boldest thing you can do is think for yourself, but I believe that it is bolder still to act on those thoughts and ideas despite certain criticism and objections.
To be true to yourself—to look straight into your own eyes reflected in the mirror and be loyal to the person you see—is to be bold indeed.” ~Richelle E. Goodrich
© Jenny Lane 12.15.2023
