Do You Treat Others Better Than You Treat Yourself?

Being as kind to ourselves as we are to friends and strangers is unnatural.

I was going through a rough patch last fall. A lot of upset, loss, and life changes had me spiraling into a dark place.

I don't know if I was depressed, but I was not myself, and others began to notice I was off. I started to withdraw from people. For me, that's saying a lot, as I'm not the most social person, to begin with.

I'm typically optimistic and upbeat, so I'm entitled to a downturn sometimes. After all, without the valleys, how do we truly appreciate the view from the peak?

One friend bluntly said, "Jim, everyone loves you — Start loving yourself." Those words were profound. I kept hearing the phrase over in my head. It was a simple statement, yet it hit the target dead center. My friend was one-hundred percent correct.

It was a revelation; I went to bed that night and committed to waking up a new person. Or at least taking steps in that direction — to be the best version of myself. I would be as kind, gentle, and loving to myself as I am with my family, friends, and strangers.

Jay Shetty, author, podcaster, and former monk has something he refers to as "The other golden rule." The rule is to treat yourself with the same love and respect that you want to show others.

We all have times when we experience some self-directed negative thoughts. When something doesn't go as planned, it's easy to think negatively. The pattern becomes a habit. We have to relearn the behavior.

We assume there's something wrong with us, and critical self-talk begins. The other golden rule provides us with a powerful alternative, says Shetty. We can choose to exercise self-compassion.

We can practice more thoughtful, caring language to relate to ourselves. Think about how you would relate to a struggling friend.

You're scared. This could become, it's okay to be scared — how can I support you?

You're worthless. This could become, it hurts to feel like you're worthless — I'm always here for you.

Self-compassion isn't about forcing yourself to feel different. How you feel is okay. It might feel difficult in the moment, but it's okay. You're okay.

The goal: acknowledge your feelings and support yourself through them. It's normal to try and cheer up a friend who's hurting.

One of the most powerful things we can do is to sit with them and give them our undivided attention. Often, it's best to listen rather than offer advice.

I recently sat with a friend who began to break down before me. It hurt me to see this from an ordinarily solid-rock guy. It was heartbreaking.

When he poured out his feelings in unguarded vulnerability and openness, I got a haptic pulse on my smartwatch. Out of pure, knee-jerk reflex, I looked at my watch. I instantly regretted the action.

My foolish auto-impulse to check my message on the watch did not go unnoticed. And it made us both feel like shit. It was so insulting an act that he left the room. It's a lesson I learned. I'll never do that again.

In challenging times, consider treating yourself with the same compassion and respect you would extend to others.

I used to tend towards beating myself up. I don't do that anymore, and it's changed my whole attitude. I'm more confident, self-assured, and less reactive in the face of adversity.

Remember Shetty's other golden rule the next time you face negative self-talk. Direct some care towards yourself.

Inspired by: Calm/The Daily Jay Podcast

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