Do You Struggle with Self-Sabotage Too?
(DAMAGE SUPPRESSOR by Black Dresses)
Black Dresses is a Toronto based band consisting of members Devi McCallion and Ada Rook who have been releasing music together since 2017. Their music is mainly electro-pop with influences in emo and metal. I am drawn to Devi’s ability to convey a lot of raw emotion in her vocals and lyrics. It’s easy to see that she writes from her heart and her real life experiences. While I have been enjoying the band’s entire discography this week, DAMAGE SUPPRESSOR stood out to me as a song that I deeply relate to.
Here are some lyrics from the song:
“Can you be as safe as you can?
I know it’s not that easy
Can you stay alive if you can?
I know it’s barely up to us
There’s a part of me that wants to keep destroying me
There’s a part of me that wants to keep destroying me
There’s a part of me that wants to keep destroying me
I’ll keep coming back together again
I don’t wanna be alone
I don’t wanna be alone
I don’t wanna be alone
I don’t wanna be alone
Worthless dreaming
In a dying world
That I already love so I can’t give it up yet-
Aaaugh!
Everything ends but I got 60% left / Worthless praying
Battle-damage purgatory, hell-world princess / Keep the music playing
Somehow everything’s still unfolding / Can you keep on singing with me?
Somehow we’re both still holding on / As the hours stretch on so endless
Hopeless loving
Holding on
Beat keeps thumping
Just hold on
Let’s get one more song in
Fuck…
I have one more song and”
Self-sabotage is something that I’ve struggled with for much of my life.
A lot of my survival was based on short term decisions and just getting by the best I could. To be quite honest, I didn’t think that I would be alive by this age so short sighted thinking seemed okay to me. I was constantly moving cities and states which made a lot of the relationships I had turbulent. I was always waiting for the pin to drop and for things to start falling apart, because that’s what I had experienced for so long.
While I’m at a place in my life where stability is within my control, it’s still difficult to enjoy more peace where chaos used to live.
Deprogramming lifelong trauma is no easy task.
It’s an everyday effort that sometimes I fall short on.
This song describes those uncomfortable moments perfectly. Devi and Ada’s voices bring a lot of power to the song with their abilities to convey insecurity and desperation so well. Their melancholy lyrics layered on top of a high energy electro-pop track, expresses the dichotomy between not being able to sit still but being overcome with crippling depression. This is something that I think that a lot of us ADHD folks can relate to.
Another thing that I struggle with in my neurodivergence is impulse control.
I love dopamine! That quality mixed with a little bit of nihilism towards the state of the world can lead me to jumping into situations that might not be the safest or healthiest long term.
I’ve coped with escapism for so long that it’s become a resting state at this point.
It’s difficult to just enjoy the peace and stability; to be honest it’s overwhelmingly boring! I am the kind of person that craves stimulation and excitement. Learning to redirect that trait towards healthier outlets brings on a lot of growing pains. Sitting in that discomfort is no easy task, but I am trying the best I can.
I like to remind myself that it’s okay to not be perfect.
It’s okay to imagine a version of myself that I want to be, but that I don’t embody completely yet. That is life. We will never be that “final or perfect” version of ourselves, but instead we are more fluid and ever changing in who we are. I think that acknowledging that we are in pain for whatever reason is the first step towards connection with ourselves. The rest will follow through making mistakes and realigning.
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