Do You Struggle With Friendships In Sobriety?

You quit drinking. Everything changed.

Do you keep all the same friends?

Do you try and find new sober friends?

What about the old friends that you’ve had for many years, say since high school?

Or, do you find a balance? Keep some friends that are understanding and make new friends that you can relate to?

I guess it all depends on the severity of drinking with your friends and if you can handle being around alcohol. You also need to be cognizant of what might trigger a relapse. You do not need to be going out to a bar to meet friends if you don’t think you can handle it. Those friends are not worth it if that’s the only place you can see them.

Some friendships are work and others are effortless. I think we can all say we have experienced a wide variety of friendships.

When I decided to quit drinking, I sent my close friends a text that day.

“I quit drinking. I can’t do this anymore. I am done and I hope everything stays the same.”

Mind you, I still had some alcohol in my system and was very emotional. Days later, I almost wished I hadn’t sent the text but I am glad I did. It kept me accountable.

My friends were all very understanding and I don’t think the dynamic has changed much, but in some ways it has. The change stems from my decisions and because they don’t have a problem with alcohol. So, this causes the relationship to have a different flow.

I no longer want to put myself in certain situations and I am open about that. But, I do get the feeling that they took it the wrong way, that I don’t want to spend as much time with them.

In early sobriety, I wanted to cocoon in my house and heal. If I could go back, I would try to convey this to my friends because they thought I was just shutting them out. I hate confrontation so I just was a loner for a few months. After that, I was able to open up and give reasons for my behavior and since then, our time together is more comfortable.

If you are struggling with your old friends in new sobriety, my advice would be to be completely honest from the start. If you need time alone, be upfront about it and explain. Communication is so important, who knew??

There were a few friends that I could tell weren’t sure about my sobriety. What would we do together if I didn’t drink? Sadly, I don’t speak to those friends much anymore but I am at peace with it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I just need a few good friends and my family in my life.

If you lose certain friends, just know that you are bettering yourself and this decision is what’s best for you. Sometimes you have to be selfish to heal.

A few months into my sobriety, I met a few women after a zoom Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for coffee, and instantly I felt at ease. We laughed and shared horror stories from our drinking days. We related our experiences to one another and have been friends for the past year.

If you don’t want to go to AA meetings, I suggest trying any type of sober meeting online to meet people in your area. This is a huge part of why I am still sober, especially if you don’t have any sober friends in your life.

I truly believe that you need someone to talk to that can relate and hear you. Zoom is a great way to communicate now, too. Maybe you’ve met some fellow sober women on Instagram that you can call or facetime. I think an outlet is very beneficial and crucial to staying sober.

Isolation can lead to a relapse and even though I love my alone time now, I know that I need my friendships for my well-being. Let’s face it, good friends make you feel good! Feeling loved is a warm, comforting hug that is detrimental in recovery. Connection is so important, I can’t stress that enough.

At 14 months sober, I am finally at peace with myself. The shame and guilt have lifted, which makes it easier for me to be a friend. I believe that I am easier to be friends with, too, now that I am honest and open.

So, put the work in with the valuable friendships that you want to keep. Don’t feel obligated to keep toxic relationships that aren’t beneficial to your sobriety. Make new sober friends that will have a positive impact on your life.

Isn’t that all we want? To be happy? Life is too short and we don’t know how much time we have here, so I am not going to fret about everyone liking me. In reality, we all just need a few loving, kind and supportive people to experience this amazing life with.