Do You Struggle To Connect With People?

Deep, intimate connections in four steps.

Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it, there is suffering. — Brené Brown

Reflecting honestly on our lives, it becomes clear that most of our relationships are superficial. We may have hundreds of ‘digital’ friends on various social platforms yet, the harsh truth is — that we find ourselves feeling isolated and disconnected on a deeper, more personal level.

We may know each other’s birthdays, likes and dislikes, favorite colors, and drinks, but do these details truly constitute a connection? It seems that our likes and dislikes have a relationship, not us as individuals.

Sharing common beliefs, views, and interests may temporarily give the impression of a connection, but this connection is never deep; it only skims the surface. This is because our views, beliefs, likes, and dislikes are not fixed; they are dynamic and subject to change as we gain more experience in the world. That’s why we often say, ‘I grew out of that relationship.’

So, what can we do then to foster deep connections with others?

1- Embrace Truth And Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is the essence of connection and connection is the essence of existence.” — Leo Christopher.

Do we truly know anyone? Do we truly know our parents, partners, or friends? There is always a part of you, a part of them, that remains hidden. Then, we feel lonely and isolated, even if we are constantly surrounded by people.

We pretend and wear different masks with different people; we talk and talk, yet we say nothing. We fear that if we expose ourselves fully, we will be rejected. So, we choose fakeness. There is no authenticity, only pleasantries, fake compliments, and mostly forced laughs.

Emotional connection requires rawness, vulnerability, and truth. It demands authenticity every second, without the constant background fear of not being liked.

There is a voiceless cry in the darkest recesses of our being, waiting to be expressed. Let it out, and you will be surprised to see that everyone has something similar to share.

To share your weakness is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable is the only bridge to build a connection with another.

I was fortunate enough to talk with hundreds of people worldwide in the last few months through my Instagram page. They did not know me, and I did not know them. I will probably never see or talk to them again. Yet, I know them better than their mothers, spouses, or closest friends. There is nothing special about me, yet this anonymity allows people to be real. And when people are real, they do not care about gossip, bragging, or making small talk. They do not care about being accepted and liked. They care about what truly matters to them.

And that is the first step towards forming deep connections. Let go of your fear of being liked, and be authentic.

2- Be Curious

Get authentically curious about how other people see and experience the word — Liz Norell

We often talk in a way that seems interesting to others. But what about being genuinely interested in what others have to say? How about giving our full attention and completely forgetting about yourself for once?

Be interested, not Interesting

Talk less, listen more. And when you do talk, be curious, ask questions — try to understand the other person, and don’t just wait for your turn to speak.

In the words of the Austrian classical pianist, and poet Alfred Brendel:

“The word ‘listen’ contains the same letters as the word ‘silent’.”

Pause for a moment and consider your interactions with others. You will notice that your mind is never silent. And when the mind is not silent, there is no true listening. Instead, you always find yourself either trying to formulate a response or merely filtering the other person’s words through the lens of your own experiences and knowledge. The past — your past, is overshadowing the present. Yet, curiosity is all about now, it can only happen when the past is no longer ‘judging’ the present.

Psychology professors Todd Kashdan, Patrick Mcknight, Frank Fincham, and Paul Rose asked participants in a study to either have an intimate conversation or make small talk with strangers. After engaging in these types of conversations the more curious participants felt closer to their conversational partner in both situations, while less curious people did not.

Curiosity involves openness, and openness comes with humility. If you are not open to another point of view, if you cling to your own beliefs, constantly talking about yourself, your achievements, your knowledge, and experiences, chances are you will never really connect deeply with anyone in life.

You will essentially be projecting a polished image of yourself to another, and this polished version has only one goal — to be accepted and validated. In that very process, any possibility of forming a deeper bond dissipates.

3- Forget Your Role

The depth of human connections is often lost when we lose ourselves in predefined roles.

Consider the parent-child dynamic as an example.

The parent has a role that comes with certain expectations - to provide safety, food, emotional support, education, and guidance, to name a few.

In turn, the child is also given a role — to obey rules, to listen, to learn, and to participate in family life. These roles lead to the projection of an image onto each other. When expectations associated with these roles are not met, conflict arises.

For instance, when a parent, in their role as a ‘guide’, expects their child to listen and obey, it can inadvertently erect a barrier to authentic and honest communication. This expectation is bound to obstruct the open exchange of thoughts and feelings between parent and child.

In other words, the roles prevent both the child and the parent from being vulnerable and truthful. For example, a parent may become overreactive and controlling in response to certain behaviors of their teenage child, completely ignoring the fact that they have acted in the same manner back in their day. In turn, the child, constrained by their role, may not be truthful to avoid overreaction and disciplinary measures.

However, when these roles are set aside, what remains is the truth. And only in truth do genuine, heartfelt connections happen. The parent becomes vulnerable and shares past experiences, which may evoke feelings of shame and guilt. Yet, this vulnerability paves the way for the child to be more open and honest.

This principle applies to every relationship dynamic. Drop the expectations you place on yourself, and those you place on others. See people as human beings first, try to ask questions, understand them, not judge them, and your relationships will improve dramatically.

4- Accept Yourself Fully

True connections begin and end with ourselves.

Okay, now how is self-acceptance related to forming deep connections with others? Well, let me explain.

There is always a part within ourselves that we do not accept and instead push aside. Carl Jung referred to this as ‘The Shadow’.

Our sexuality, controlling tendencies, intrusive thoughts, insecurities about our intelligence and competence, and fear of failure are just a few examples.

For instance, someone who struggles to accept their sexuality may be overly judgmental of others who openly express themselves. Similarly, someone suffering from low self-esteem might frequently highlight the stupidity and shortcomings of others.

What we fail to accept within ourselves, we often project onto others. In other words, our inner experience of the world manifests outwardly in the form of criticism and judgment.

Okay, what is the issue with that?

Well, consider this: who genuinely enjoys the company of someone who is perpetually passing judgment on others? Even if you are both judging the same person, judgment in any form is a barrier to forming deep, intimate connections.

This is because judgment creates a constant underlying fear that one might become the next target of such judgment. This fear prevents individuals from being authentic and from sharing their true thoughts and feelings, both of which are fundamental pillars of intimacy and connection.

In a recent article of mine, I explored the comforting ease we often find in the company of animals. We are naturally more present, without any conscious effort around them. The reason?

Animals, in their essence, are accepting and non-judgmental. Take your cat, for example — it remains wholly indifferent to whether you are tall or short, intelligent or stupid, or wealthy enough to afford a new car or a larger house. This absence of judgment from animals creates a sense of comfort and safety for us. In that space — we can be ourselves.

This is why we often feel a profound connection with them, despite the absence of verbal communication. And that is exactly what a true connection feels like.

You are there, present, free from the urge to dominate the conversation, boast, or seek validation. It’s a state of being that encourages authentic interaction, where we can simply ‘be’ without the weight of masks, roles, and judgments.

Try it!