Stop Telling Me Who I Am

WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!

WOMEN

I have had so much pain and suffering in my lifetime. Interestingly enough not at the hands of men. Instead at the hands of women. Pretty fucked up right? There were only two friends I had that didn’t either want something from me or were jealous of me.

It’s difficult to be a good looking woman. Women will sacrifice anything in search of this perfect looking “image” they have of themselves. Only to realize that their unhappiness was unrelated to how they looked. Actually a lot of women feel they looked better prior to that nose job, tummy tuck, cheek implants, breast implants, etc. Even the woman who just wants botox has an insecurity issue. No matter what you do. You cannot go back in time. You cannot rewind the tape. I mean you can if you want to remain delusional. I am sure we will get to that topic at some point. Breaking balls. What you can do is record a newer and better version of the old tape.

Behind a pretty face can lie a multitude of insecurities and demons. Behind the beauty of what you see with your naked eye can live a being that is, extremely heinous. The knowledge I have acquired over the last 39 years of my life is knowledge that I wish I was never privy to. Everything comes with a price. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing is ever what it appears to be. There is an old saying, “believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.”

I believe all women are beautiful. I am not the prettiest woman and I am not the ugliest. If you are measuring beauty by who I am inside the wisdom of my soul. I would than tell you that I do feel like I am gorgeous. Well maybe a Gorgeous Mess. You see where I am going with this right? Inner beauty is just as if not more important than your outer beauty. I know you all are disagreeing, saying “Oh Kira what bullshit are you trying to sell us now?” No Bullshit here.

Have you ever dated a man who was so attractive it was almost too much stimulation for your eyes. It is as if the perfection was giving you a headache. You couldn’t put your finger on it, but for some reason he was too aesthetically perfect. He also had zero personality. You could hear a pin drop in the awkward silences that kept playing over and over like a broken record haunting every second of this torturous date. You also realize something else. He just isn’t cutting it for you. You start thinking about your stupid friend Dwayne that you’ve known forever. Where did that come from you say to yourself? Do I like Dwayne? You then realize that you used to think Dwayne was not remotely cute. That he made stupid jokes. He was just a buddy to hang with. So what happened? I have had this happen to me in my past. It is not uncommon for women to become attracted over time to a person they once thought was unattractive. The best way to describe it is, “There is just something about him.” Ken doll that you just had dinner with. Forget it. He is so obtuse. Boring. Let’s face it ladies. He fucking sucks. His personality was blah and lacking spirit. Your brain was never stimulated. Therefore…you really don’t find him all that attractive anymore. See. No Bullshit.

There is another myth I would like to clear up and this is where my story is going to start. I believe I am a good looking woman. I know I am beautiful on the inside. I know I am intelligent. I have confidence. I have balls(not literally). My father is a very successful attorney. He owns 12 law firms. needless to say, I have grown up with some of the finer things in life. This may seem like a blessing to some of you. As for me it has proven to be a curse. I have been singled out. I have been bullied. I have been made fun of. Any chance to knock me down. The bully would take it.

All the bullies I have known have been women. Especially women in the workplace. They are part of the same group of bullies I like to call the ugh…duh…what’s? Let me break it down. You have the puppet master bully. She is the most evil of them all, but doesn’t get her hands dirty. Then she has a couple of puppets. I find it’s usually three that make up this group of women. So the other two bullies serve two different purposes. One of the women is just downright nasty and ignorant while the other pretends to be your friend. Your supposed “friend” knocks you down by feeding you information that was said about you behind your back. This is to get a rise out of you. They are so fucking jealous that their whole day is made when they have upset you. That is sick. They spread horrible rumors about you in the workplace. At least this has been my experience. This has happened my whole life. I would walk into work with my new vintage Gucci purse and sunglasses not thinking twice about it. What do you think happened? I was put up to be crucified.

The Bitches of Eastwick…

A lot of women are downright evil. They scheme and plot your demise behind your back. To your face you would think they are your best friends. Then when the mask comes off and you see them for who they really are you actually pity them. I actually call them Judas Iscariots'. The betrayal and disloyalty they expressed will be forgiven, but never forgotten.

I no longer have my two best girl friends Joanna R.I.P. “Jo you are my star that I see every night…you thought I was your angel, but it was the other way around…you saved me. You don’t twinkle you HIGH-BEAM because you were and still are the most joyous memory I have. Never did you give up on me with my drug addiction. You didn’t run and tattle on me either. We loved each other in the way best friends do. I just wish I wasn’t so addicted to the needle while you were so sick. I knew the moment I saw Faith’s phone number calling me that you were gone. I wasn’t there, but I knew your soul had already ascended up to our Heavenly Father. I am sorry Jo that I didn’t have the time for you or the time to see you before you were evicted from this earth. I get comfort knowing that you are in a much better place. I love you.” “MYYYYYYYYYYYYY TYYYYYYYYYYYYPE!!!”(inside joke).

Joanna passed due to a heart transplant issue. Her first heart transplant didn’t take so we all knew and so did she that her time on this earth was short. She was such a beautiful soul and I can’t wait to see her again. She was a teacher and such a beautiful woman inside and out. The day she died she was writing on Facebook before going to teach for the day. All of a sudden her responses stopped because her heart had stopped. She had passed away. Her death was not painful it was peaceful which is what she deserved. I had heard through mutual acquaintances that she was actually in the hospital the whole week before because she knew something was wrong. Despite her best efforts to tell the the doctor’s they still released her saying they could not find anything wrong. She was my #1.

Let’s talk about my #2 who Jo met too. Jo used to party before her heart condition. We did a lot of blow. When she got sick she really turned a new leaf. This is when I met my “homey” Jess. Jess was beautiful. She looked like Carmen Electra and when she walked in a room it was like magic. She was older than me at the time…like 29 and I was 23. We used to take my Benz and just party for days. We were famous on the South Beach scene and hung with a lot of celebrities. I am telling you about her beauty for a reason so please keep it in mind. Our friendship dissipated because I went to rehab several times, my mom did not like her and even though we talked it just got hard to hang out. Then the bad news came…she was moving back to Las Vegas. When I would talk to her she was always in a crisis…she was dating a movie director and smashed his BMW into a sign and it was totaled. It was a mess. I still was using and told her I would come out there, but never heard from her again. I loved her. We were great friends that fell out of touch. Miss you Jess if you’re reading.

Please Don’t Tell Me Who I Am. Please Don’t Tell Me How to Fix Myself. Nobody Fucking Asked You.

This is the biggest issue I have with women and why I bond with men better. I’ve never been hard on myself…I might not be the prettiest woman in the world, but I’m certainly pretty enough to get attention from men without having to try. I have been called many names(by men mind you): A Witch; A Gypsy; Heartless; Like A Man. I might be all of these things and then I might be none of these things. The reason they find me so attractive is because I’m not desperate for them. They can’t figure me out nor do I ever want them to. Believe it or not guys and myself can be great friends!!!

It’s the catty, rumor starting, back-stabbing woman that make my life a living hell. The jealousy starts immediately or so it seems. I am very open and honest about who I am as a person (I never discuss my past drug history with coworkers because that can go south quickly). I love to laugh and to make people laugh. I also love to sing. So when clients come in we laugh up a storm, we sing, we throw shit at each other, etc. I absolutely love nice women with no preconceived notions about me. No judgments. No bullying. A true friend. Prettier, Uglier, Skinnier, Fatter…learn me for me because I wasn’t always what you see?

There is a side to me that is extremely mysterious and somewhat gypsy-like, but I can also be extremely sensitive. I take everything personally and I’m extremely neurotic. I also have a slight tremor in my arm that sometimes will cause my hand to be shaky. I have suffered from asthma and bronchial allergies since I was 6 years old. I still get extremely sick at times either with Bronchitis or Sinusitis. Do you know that these so called “women” bullied me? Called me a drug addict. They say I’m not sick when I'm having an asthma attack. When I am just having an off day. They say I am a pill popper. This is not me. This is who I used to be.

Such mean and miserable women. Just awful. I know it’s their own insecurities, but it hurts. “When you point a finger there are three pointing back at you,” could not be more apropos at theses moments. I am not looking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just don’t cosign the bullshit of aa bully. By the way, I don’t care, fuck off, what other people say about me is none of my business. It’s very damaging for the psyche to always hear negativity about ones self. Lights Out. They will be lost in the land of darkness circumventing about.

I believe in God. I believe in turning the other cheek. I will keep turning them until my cheeks are raw. Listen ladies there will always be somebody prettier than you, there will always be somebody thinner than you, there will always be somebody richer than you.

I walk into the office. Ugh oh. Tell me what I am going to be today.

Conclusion of Poem

Woke up Put on my face Monday morning Starbuck’s junkie Rat Race

The day begins with wickedness Gossiping while blowing me a kiss

Today I am the whore Please give me credit for more

Tomorrow I am the thief That’s a fucking relief

Wednesday I’m the Pill Popper I need to call my personal shopper

Thursday I’ve turned over a new leaf Watch out. It is bound to be brief.

Friday I’m the “party” girl Cash my check, smile, twirl

Bullies are cowards

Maybe these bitches could write my story for me?

Revenge is a dish best served cold

Frozen Ice Ice Frozen

They are broken Let that soak in

Kira Dawn a.k.a. The Gorgeous Mess/Rewrite done on September 30, 2021/All Rights Reserved.