domestic abuse

Did You Know it Was the Last Time You’d See Your Husband?

Domestic abuse in the rearview mirror

Processing through a poetic lense

Last I ever saw him in a rear-view mirror back-grounded by a bruised sky

I had returned to gather my things the apologies failed betrayal too big, too humiliated

In midday light the broken pieces of our life hurriedly tossed into a dusty red and white U-haul rented with his name

My estranged came home early, he had a date dressed in an over-sized suit coat of over-sized black and white herringbone over a golden-rod shirt too much concealer over dark-circled eyes he looked like a fucking clown

I won the final fight, as light left the sky knife in hand, he knew I wasn’t losing I was leaving, for good and for sure

Left my sweet little terra-cotta house left thinking- My God he’s lost his mind that out-fit- what the hell? I drove away into the sky blue-black, speckled with the whispers of white shining stars down the freeway in dusty, red and white shell Chimsa-tumbleweed waving adios

Time passes, yet the image fades not

Faced with the probability of loading all I own-once again into another red and white U-haul, cleaner at least I looked upon all the broken pieces of my life boxed and carried to three homes now is it time to release myself of all loves’ meaning and meanness?

Did I need tangible reminders of the evening last I saw him, in the light of a bruised sky his red and white face of rage waves of contempt in the pale blue eyes his eyeshadow streaked fists the black, white and yellow clown suit? that ridiculous clown suit.

The first I ever saw him was in a halo of white light walking towards me through the dark

An even dozen years later did I know the last image of him would be etched in my mind as well A f’ing clown, standing in the burnt umber door frame a yellow beam of bug zapping light bulb highlighting the concealer that circled his pale blue eyes as I drove away.

From the series A Poem is Never Done Part one written in 1988 Expanded in 2003 revised in 2022

What I learned about domestic abuse since then.

1. There are no triggers-everything is a trigger. There was no pattern to the out-bursts, other than alcohol. Though not all bouts of drunkenness were violent, thus the confusion.
2. A big tactic of the abuser is isolating you from friends and family. After the “I dos” we moved across the country to a place where I had no relatives, friends or acquaintances.
3. He wanted control of my time- I had to account for every minute of my day. This was of course wrapped in a blanket of care and concern for my personal well being and growth.
4. I was told there was no need to put my name on the credit cards-big RED flag. Tying up easy access to money. Always have your own credit cards and your own access to money. I will never have a joint bank account. I left New Mexico with all of 11 cents, he had cleaned out the account. I had to borrow money from a friend back east to “get me out.”
5. I’ve come a long way from 11 cents to my name, but there are hidden costs. A) Income loss. I was persuaded it was best for “us” if he finished his graduate school program, mine could be disrupted at “less cost.” I’m still paying for that decision. Putting me into the professional earning bracket 15 years behind schedule is a huge loss of equity in retirement funds. B) Medical costs. I have had unrelenting dental issues caused by a punch to the jaw that cracked teeth and caused facial scars. For decades I needed special haircuts to hide the bald spot from where my hair was ripped from my scalp. And of course, co-pays for useless therapist. (it may work for you, therapy, so please give it a try — it just didn’t work for me. I process through writing poems and essays.)
6. The charm of “I’m so sorry, forgive me” works until it doesn’t. Because the apologies are genuine it is very difficult to believe the horror and rage when it breaks out. This is someone you loved enough to marry after all. I had to put 1874 miles between myself and him or I would have given him yet another chance.
7. I learned to fight back. Physically, I will never be beaten again. I have a zero tolerance policy-towards physical abuse. I’m still working on the emotional abuse side of the equation. The publication Know Thyself and Heal Thyself here on Medium has been of great help!!

It was the kindness of strangers, now friends. And sadly, friends now strangers that rescued me from a relationship that was beyond toxic, and potentially deadly. I couldn’t call on family as my brothers would have avenged their sister if they knew what was happening. I couldn’t risk ruining their lives.

It is difficult to put the violence behind you and move on when the mirror reminds you every day. I guess I’ll add this story of love and abuse to the collection of stories that are never done.

For another perspective, this article really resonated for me

For some data on this topic:

It is estimated that 20 people are involved in a domestic violence incident every minute. 1 in 7 women have physical injuries from the incident. Click on the link for the National Statistics on Domestic Violence page.

If you find yourself betrayed with violence by the hands of someone you love there is help. No one deserves to be hit for the crime of loving.