Summary

The article outlines a six-step approach for parents to encourage their abusive adult children to become more loving, respectful, and responsible.

Abstract

The article addresses the challenges faced by parents with adult children who exhibit little love or respect, often due to early life lessons from a dysfunctional upbringing. It emphasizes that despite physical maturity, such children may remain emotionally immature, expecting benefits without reciprocal respect or effort. The author proposes a six-step intervention plan that involves recognizing the necessity of change, brainstorming practical solutions, selecting and planning a course of action, announcing the expectations clearly, and enforcing the plan without backing down, even if it leads to tough consequences like asking the child to leave home. The goal is to help these adult children develop into loving, respectful, and honorable adults.

Opinions

The author suggests that traditional methods of showing love and respect may not be effective with adult children from dysfunctional backgrounds.
It is implied that adult children may manipulate their parents' love and respect to avoid personal responsibility and growth.
The article conveys that change is unlikely without clear, actionable expectations and consequences.
The author believes that parents must take decisive action to facilitate change, rather than waiting for their adult children to change on their own.
There is an underlying assumption that the adult child's behavior is a result of past dysfunction and not simply willful disobedience.
The author stresses the importance of parents' self-care and self-respect in the process of helping their adult children.
It is suggested that societal challenges such as war, starvation, or extreme poverty are not valid excuses for an adult child's failure to thrive in the modern world.
The article implies that tough love, including the possibility of the child leaving the home, may be a necessary step in the child's maturation process.

Do You Have an Adult Child Who Shows You Little Love or Respect?

Six steps to take to help an abusive adult child become a loving and responsible adult

Because being loved by another person makes us feel loved and be capable of loving others, we tend to think that loving our children will make them feel loved and be capable of loving others.

Because being respected by another person makes us feel worthy of respect and able to respect others, we think that respecting our children will make them feel respected and be respectful to others.

Because we try hard to do the right thing, we tend to think that our children, whom we love and respect, will also try to do the right thing.

But what if your children learned early on in life that love is to be measured in gifts and money? What if the other parent didn’t respect their needs but instead just did what she (or he) wanted to do whenever he (or she) wanted to do it? What if your children were forced to watch you, over and over, try to do the right thing for someone who never tried to do the right thing for you?

What if that other parent was the most powerful person in your children’s lives because they were loud, angry and dangerous?

Years later, away from the chaos of a dysfunctional home, the lessons your children learned early on from a powerful parent have been internalized: Love is you giving them stuff. Respect is you not interfering in what they want to do. What they want to do is the right thing because … well, it’s what they want to do.

Your children, even now that they’ve attained the age of maturity, have not matured. This is normal for people raised in severely dysfunctional circumstances. Still underaged emotionally, your adult children are sure you should continue to provide for them with “no strings attached” and without trying to make them “jump through hoops.”

Admittedly, they’ve grown up some: They can fix dinner and may clean up their rooms — if you don’t do these things. They have more muscles, sex drives, and larger vocabularies. Sometimes, they even offer to do chores. But they will be unlikely to make significant changes to better their own lives so long as they don’t see such changes as necessary.

In their minds, consciously or subconsciously, it goes something like this:

“I can ignore you, yell at you, whatever. You’ll still love me, give me what I want, ’cause if you don’t give me what I want, I’ll hate you.”
“You respect me? Not sure what that is, respect, but I’ve been doing what I want when I want for as long as I can remember. Works for me.”
“You try to do the right thing for me. I do the right thing for me. Leave me alone.”

Out loud, what you may have heard is some version of “Fuck you!.”

So, there’s the problem. What’s the solution?

You and your children are now safely away from the crashing chaos caused by that other parent. You’ve done the work necessary to learn how to love and respect yourself (good for you). Now, you don’t just try to do the right thing; you do the right thing (good for you!).

But what is the right thing to do to effect a significant change?

YOU MAKE THE CHANGE NECESSARY. Here‘s how:

One:

Recognize that people rarely change unless change is necessary. No amount of conversation, cajoling, or complaining on your part has been or will be sufficient to bring about any real change.

Two:

Think about various solutions to the problem.

If your child has ever expressed a desire to do anything or achieve anything, try to come up with a solution that will lead to what is desired. If not, well, you have to proceed anyway.
Discard any solution that is merely attitudinal. “I want you to show me some respect,” for example, is easy to ignore, hard to define and not clear enough to translate into action. Meanwhile, “I want you to get a job,” for example, is hard to ignore or misunderstand and is an action needed.
Discard any solution that would not be achievable by a person of about the same age living in about the same circumstances.
Know that there are solutions that can lead to success. Your child may have tried to convince you that the world is too harsh a place to expect anybody to succeed. Ignore this nonsense. Your country is not at war. People are not starving in the streets. Few people freeze to death, even on the streets. And if your child has tried to convince you that working for a large corporation is being a slave, ignore this, too. You know that many people start their own businesses — after they’ve worked for large corporations or small businesses long enough to have saved up some money.
Accept that some good solutions may be difficult for you; so be it.

Three:

Pick one solution.

Four:

Make a plan.

Depending on the complexity of the action that needs to be taken, write your plan (a plan has a goal, steps to take to achieve the goal, and a timeline for each step.) To emphasize that you’ll be contributing to the effort, also include any steps you will take. If your child is amenable to this, encourage them to contribute to the plan.
If time is needed for your child to prepare, build that time into the plan.

Five:

Announce the solution in this format: By [timeframe], you will [actions].

Avoid “or else” discussion. Your child should be convinced that you are confident the stated actions will happen. Your confidence may be what determines the success or failure of your solution.
Pay no attention to promises made at this point; they will be broken.
Do not back down on any part of what you are announcing since, if you do, you will not be taken seriously, and your child may be unprepared to do what is necessary.

Six:

At the designated date/time, enact the solution.

Do not back down on any part of what you announced before.
If your child did not prepare to do what is necessary or for any reason does not take the action required, this may get difficult. It may even be a “kick ’em out of the house” kinda thing. The only thing worse would be to back down.
After the solution is put into effect, pay no attention to entreaties except to assure your child of your love and respect.

If you do back down at any time after announcing what your child is to do, you will have failed to help your child. Indeed, you will have reinforced the behavior that is now holding your child back from developing into a loving, respectful and honorable adult.

This is serious.

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