Do You Enjoy Sex, or Are You Just Pretending?

A question for grown women

Photo by JLC IMAGERY on Unsplash

In the wake of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to call the women to the carpet.

Look, it’s going to get really personal around these parts, so if you don’t want to answer the questions, that’s fine; sit and listen.

I think too many of us have been shamed into submission as it pertains to our sex lives. Too often, we are told that sex isn’t for us; it’s for men and that we should not be too experienced or knowledgeable about our bodies to not run off the weaker of the so-called stronger sex.

If you subscribe to this logic, it’s your right. But I do have a very candid question I’d like to ask: Do you actually even enjoy sex?!

Methods and madness

Now, I realize this question may seem like it came out of left field, but there is a method to my madness.

After spending years of my life having countless conversations about sexual desires and preferences with men and women, I’ve found one thing: many women are too scared to explore their own bodies and, thus, are incapable of communicating their sexual preferences to their partners.

And before you men do your little dance of joy, the reason behind this is often your fault. Generally speaking, society tells young ladies and women that they should not be having sex unless they’re married (or damn close to it) while also telling men to have sex with any and every woman who will allow them.

The message is that men should be “sowing their wild oats,” so when they are ready to settle down, they won’t still sleep with many strange women. On the other hand, the message is that women will be taught about sex by their husbands, which is just about the dumbest sh*t I’ve ever heard.

At any rate, of course, men uphold this logic because they stand to benefit the most from it, but don’t you want mind-blowing sex as well? I mean, it’s all fun and games until you’re ready to get down and dirty, and your virginal partner starts asking you questions like “Is it going to hurt?”

So, while you may be taking a moan and scream here and/or there as a good sign, you may actually be dealing with a woman who is either too bored or too traumatized to speak up.

To clarify, I have nothing against women or even men who wish to wait until they’re married to have sex. In fact, under the right circumstances, that is a perfectly admirable way to do things.

What I do have an issue with is the fact that most of us are losing our virginities in our mid to late teens, which is far too young to be getting married, in my humble opinion.

Therefore, even if we technically follow a “life event timeline” that is similar to that of most young Americans, we will typically be accused of being morally bankrupt before reaching adulthood.

Also, when referring to the Black community, in particular, women are told that they have around a 30% chance of ever getting married to anyone. And while it can be a beautiful thing between two people who are genuinely ready for it, a happy, successful marriage is not everyone’s end goal or reality.

So, if what we’re being told is true, the average Black woman should probably just become a nun when they turn 18 and sew their vaginas closed to deter defectors.

Indeed, not only are we (Black) women in a misogynistic society, but we also come from a culture that is incredibly judgmental of women’s sexuality, which often causes the female Black collective to become more prudish than women of other cultures.

Moreover, since so many are marrying later in life, 30-year-old virgins could soon become the norm. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Are you ashamed to discuss sex?

If you have chosen to have sex, regardless of whether you were married first or not, why are you ashamed of discussing sex with others?

I mean, as women, we often laugh and joke about how clueless men can be in the bedroom. But how much of this behavior is simply something that we have ignored or even encouraged?

Think about it: if you are getting into it with a man and do something that turns him off, will he let you know? Often, yes. On the other hand, if he makes a wrong move, are you vocal about what he’s done wrong? Often not.

And therein lies the problem!

As women, we are taught to be seen and not heard during sex — unless he’s into the dirty talking, of course. So, how the heck are we supposed to communicate how much that last move sucked through pursed lips?!

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties involved. You should never be white-knuckling it through rough fingers and jackrabbit thrusting simply because you want to “keep your man happy.” He should want you to be happy as well, no?

Yet and still, as grown and often even married women, we tiptoe around the bedroom, hoping not to trigger fragile male egos, even if it means we’ll be doomed to pretend to proverbially enjoy bland vanilla lattes when all we want is a chocolate-covered strawberry creme.

Would he do it for you? Probably not.

Sex is typically far more enjoyable when someone knows what you like and what you dislike. So, what happens when you never tell what you like to begin with?

Well, in that case, they will rely on past experience, porn, and other misguided men to tell them how to please you in the bedroom. Are you starting to see the issue here?

In order to have the best sex, you need to open your mouth…to say things — dirty things — to your partner. This can mean everything from giving him specific directions (harder, faster) to moaning his name in ecstasy. Either way, you definitely need to communicate your preferences in order to get the best results.

Sure, he could get lucky and figure it out, but you’re still waiting for him to stop getting you trashy lingerie and fatty chocolates for V-Day — next year is your year!

The bottom line

As a woman, if you’re not enjoying sex, it’s partially your fault. Most men would love to please you if you only showed them how.

Sex is for both men and women to enjoy. Even if you’ve spent decades settling for lame, boring sex, you can change your entire sex life around by doing one thing: open your mouth!

Are you too quiet to enjoy sex?

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Womens Health
Black Women
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