Do You Despise Small Talk on Dating Apps? Here Are 3 Foolproof Ways to Have Deep Conversations
Never worry about dying or dead-end conversations ever again.
I’m not the biggest fan of small talk.
But not because I’m bad at it. If anything, I take pride in being able to engage in conversation with just about anyone.
It’s just that I prefer not to engage in small talk if I don’t have to.
Trivial banter that goes on for too long bores me, especially if I know I will never see or interact with that person beyond that point. I find small talk with a stranger bearable only if it leads to a meaningful conversation.
Talking about the weather, work, or similar inconsequential topics to fill up awkward silences or to pass the time ultimately feels shallow — all I can think of at that point are creative ways to end the conversation.
And I’m not the only one who feels this way. Most introverts dread small talk. Since introverts make up anywhere from 16 to 50 percent of the population, the number of people averse to small talk is substantial. And yet, even with so many of us hating small talk, we still partake in it regularly.
It seems like small talk is inescapable.
Nowhere is small talk more prevalent than on dating apps. And it doesn’t matter what app you use. They are all choke-full of people who couldn’t hold a decent conversation if their lives depended on it.
Trying to get conversations to develop into something deeper feels like pulling teeth, but it’s not impossible.
There are three highly effective ways to bust through small talk mediocrity and get right to the meaty type of banter that leads to building meaningful connections.
But before we proceed further, I want to point out that when using dating apps, most conversations will never move past the small talk phase, no matter how hard you try. People are on there for different reasons, most of which have nothing to do with dating and meeting people. If your match doesn’t seem engaged with you within the first few messages, I would cut my losses and move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Use the 36 questions for conversation starters
Many people struggle to come up with interesting conversation topics when dating. This issue is more pronounced when using dating apps since we usually don’t have much to go by in terms of background information on our matches.
This is where the 36 questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aron come in handy.
These are a series of questions designed with the purpose of speeding up intimacy between strangers. The questions are grouped into three sets. The first is more general and less personal, while the last set is deep and thought-provoking.
What I love most about the 36 questions is that they work well online and offline. For instance, you can pick a single question from the first segment and use that as an opener on a dating app. Or, if you feel adventurous, you can ask your date to go through the entire sequence of questions when you meet in person.
Either way, all the questions are open-ended. They are guaranteed to prompt longer, detailed responses, which will help you learn more about the other person.
Word of caution — it’s better to ask light questions early on that are not too personal unless your match gives you the go-ahead. Most people find it too jarring when strangers ask heavy questions, especially those that evoke negative feelings.
Avoid asking questions about trauma, abuse, and death.
It’s better to leave the sensitive personal questions for later when you establish a foundation of familiarity.
Ask them out ASAP
The internet has made connecting with other people a lot easier. But that doesn’t mean it can now replace face-to-face interactions.
For starters, chatting online forces passive engagement. There are too many distractions that take away from the conversation at hand. This often leads to fragmented communication.
And even when you attempt to have deep conversations, the extra effort required in typing out detailed responses makes it likely that people will opt for short answers that don’t fully convey the message.
Moving things to the real world as soon as possible allows you to engage with someone more naturally.
Instead of wasting your time trying to force a conversation on the app. Why not just ask them out within the first few exchanges? It’s not like keeping things on the app will make you know your matches any better.
There is no escaping it. If you desire to have conversations that leave you feeling satisfied, you have to meet in person.
Good conversations are not just about words on a screen. Elements such as vocal tonality and non-verbal body language cues play a part in conveying emotion, thus making the conversation feel like it has depth.
Don’t be afraid to be straightforward
I cannot stress this enough. You have to make your intentions and expectations clear sooner rather than later. This is, by far, one of the best things you can do to maximize dating efficiency.
So if you are looking for a hookup, a relationship, or even just shooting the breeze, then make it known to your match in a clear but respectful manner.
Doing this will have two benefits:
- You cut through the clutter and get down to the business of having conversations that are conducive to your goals.
- It saves you from wasting your time and energy on the wrong people.
Many of us despise small talk on dating apps precisely because the conversation ultimately goes nowhere.
Jumping around asking pointless filler questions you probably care little about is an exercise in futility. More often than not, you will only prolong discovering you are not even on the same page goal-wise. Better you cut to the case — let your date know what you want. Like-minded people will find it refreshing.
Closing words
While we may scoff at engaging in small talk, it still serves a purpose.
Those seemingly meaningless “what are you doing” or “how is your day” messages you might get from an online stranger can take up a whole new meaning once you have a relationship. There is only so much deep talk you can engage in throughout the day. Sometimes, talking about the simple things in life is refreshing.
The truth of the matter is that there are no foolproof methods of avoiding small talk with everyone. We all have different conversation styles. Some people are more than ready to dive in and start talking about complex topics, while others prefer to take it easy with fun, lighthearted banter. It all depends on the situation.
Still, no matter what you choose to talk about, you can maximize the odds your conversations have a positive outcome by implementing the tips in this article.
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