Do You Criticize People For Not Practicing Unconditional Love?

If so, here’s an example of a paradox to consider:

I watched a movie clip on Twitter showing a mother and baby panda. The big momma bear was so gentle; you could almost feel the love for her offspring. Unconditional love is, indeed, a beautiful thing. But I came across a paradox recently. As much as we want to spread unconditional love, we might accidentally endorse the opposite if we’re not careful.

The sun beat down on our backs as we three friends strolled in the countryside, happily chatting, putting the world to rights. Then Jane (a made-up name for privacy) criticized Sally for severing her relationship with her sister.

I felt surprised since Sally’s sister had been an antagonist for her entire existence. She had mistreated her, backstabbing and making Sally’s life painful. While I wanted to celebrate this empowering move, Jane was critical.

“I would never cut anyone out of my life, no matter what they did, because I practice unconditional love.”

Have you ever noticed a moment of confusion when you hear something that feels off somehow? On the one hand, I saw her point. Unconditional love is about acceptance. So, if you practice it, you don’t cut ties with anyone.

Or do you?

Do circumstances ever warrant severing a family tie because somebody is a constant, long-term drain on your happiness due to purposeful maliciousness? If they genuinely mean you harm, and Sally’s sister had admitted as such, would you continue the relationship and let them hurt you?

Despite not being a mom, the momma bear part of me said, “No. You don’t let somebody walk all over you forever.” I felt protective of Sally, and my heart did a little skip of joy when she told me she’d cut this poisonous tie. (Note: I didn’t see the ousted individual as toxic, just the relationship).

Something felt strange about Jane disapproving of Sally’s decision. Such judgment meant she wasn’t offering Sally unconditional love (positive regard). She didn’t accept her having the right to her opinion. Do you see what I mean? A paradox. A contradiction.

Oh, how complicated. The situation warrants attention if we’re to understand unconditional love. Of course, I’m not pretending to know all the answers. I merely aim to unravel possibilities as food for thought. Defining unconditional love seems like an excellent place to begin.

What is (and isn’t) unconditional love?

Ask others or look it up online, and you’ll likely discover the most popular definition of unconditional love is “love without strings.” This is a beautiful illustration because it conjures up an image of loving without needing anything in return.

Unconditional love is when your best friend babysits your kids because she loves you, noting you’re stressed, tired, and need the night off. It’s when your aunt slips money in your pocket because you’re hard up and doesn’t want you to pay it back. It’s when you do your neighbor’s shopping when he’s sick and think nothing of it.

However, it’s worth noting that many healthy relationships have strings attached. We expect strings on certain occasions. For example, if you buy something from a shop, we expect you to hand over payment for the object. Indeed, many relationships thrive on transactions, both agreed upon and those that are expectations rather than spoken of, particularly in business.

The strings we mean relating to non-loving relationships can be businesslike. In a relationship without unconditional love, we may take a reciprocal approach. We give time, energy, and support and demand the same in return or have some other reward in mind before we give.

When we offer unconditional love, we give freely with only the good of the recipient in mind. Like the momma panda, we offer support, compassion, and positive regard and don’t need compensation.

But here’s where things get complicated, and the following might explain Jane’s belief that unconditional love means you put up with unfair and unkind treatment.

Strings and boundaries differ

Jane probably thinks strings and boundaries are the same. Strings, however, are about compensation, whereas boundaries are about self-protection and respect. You can practice unconditional love, expecting nothing in return for your energy and kindness, but maintain healthy boundaries.

Sally’s relationship with her sister didn’t involve her refusal to love unconditionally; it was about asserting boundaries. Sally maintained her welfare and stood up for herself by slowly letting go of the painful affiliation. Her actions didn’t indicate she was unloving or inauthentic. They showed she made the mature decision to install boundaries and respect her well-being.

One of the boundaries present in healthy relationships includes non-harming as a must. People sometimes hurt each other by mistake. But this essential boundary is lacking when an individual knowingly harms another and even repeats their behavior numerous times. Attention is required to stop the person on the receiving end from becoming a permanent victim.

My conclusion? Sometimes, it’s healthiest to end a bad relationship

Sally told me she wanted the best for her sister and wasn’t angry with her. By no longer connecting, she meant to gain freedom from animosity and stress. Her intention wasn’t to be unloving. She wanted her sister to experience all the good in life and for her to be happy, since greater happiness might help to change her disposition.

But Jane would disagree, still seeing unconditional love as giving no matter the outcome. You might have the same belief as Jane or Sally. Then again, perhaps you’ve not considered unconditional love before, and you’ll benefit from untangling potential discrepancies about what it is and is not.

As I watched the movie clip of the pandas, I noticed the mother bear momentarily shift the baby out of the way when it wouldn’t give her space to eat. Even the most loving momma bears know when to assert their boundaries, and we can, too, rather than let people act in ways that impair our well-being.

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