Do You Apologize Too Much?
This is why you can’t stop apologizing — even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
When you say “I’m sorry” you probably don’t mean it.
I’m not talking about apologizing when you’re in the wrong and need to make amends. It’s always a good thing to apologize in those times. I’m talking about the dozens of times throughout the day that you apologize for things that require no apology. Let me explain.
Last week, the bank where I work lost power and couldn’t process any transactions for an entire day. Banks in the US are governed by laws making it complicated to close without notice. So it fell to my coworkers and me to tell anyone coming in that we couldn’t process their transactions. Hang with me, this is important.
As my coworkers and I explained the situation to people coming to the bank, I noticed a pattern. Everyone started with some variation of, “I’m sorry, but the power went out this morning and we can’t process any transactions.” It seemed like a nice thing to say, right?
After a few hours, my supervisor stepped in and said “Stop saying ‘I’m sorry.’” She pointed out that it wasn’t our fault the power was out. We had no reason to apologize. Instead, she suggested saying “Unfortunately our power went out this morning…” and finish the explanation.
How many times during the day do you apologize for things that aren’t your fault?
When you’re at the store and someone bumps into you, what’s your first reaction? Do you apologize as if you’re at fault?
Or how about when you need to speak up in a meeting, do you say “I’m sorry but I think…” and give your opinion?
Not everyone has the habit of over apologizing, I know. But if you do, it isn’t as kind of a gesture as you might think.
When you apologize unnecessarily, it makes you appear needy and desperate. People lose respect for you, which means can’t take you seriously.
In a relationship, over-apologizing can lead your partner to treat you with contempt. If you’re in a professional or business setting, apologizing too much can make you seem untrustworthy which means you could lose opportunities. But that’s not all.
What’s the worst thing about over-apologizing? When you apologize too much you subtly tell yourself that you’re inadequate and unimportant.
So, how do you communicate empathy without becoming an over-apologizer? Let me show you.
Check Your Roots
Apologizing too much is a habit. Like all habits, it stems from something deeper and it takes work to break.
Studies show that people who apologize too much often struggle with feelings of inadequacy. In other words, you feel like you aren’t good enough. If you have a habit of over-apologizing, you’re also probably terrified of being a burden to someone else.
Feelings of inadequacy may come from many different sources. If you’re starting a new job and don’t know how to do everything yet, that’s one thing. If you apologize just for giving your opinion, that’s another.
One study found that women are more likely to over-apologize than men. That’s not surprising, considering many women report receiving conflicting messages about who they’re “supposed” to be. Men, on the other hand, are less likely to apologize and less likely to believe they committed an offense.
If you want to break the habit of over-apologizing, it’s important to understand the root cause. Did a parent teach you to over-apologize by their example? Maybe you’re afraid of upsetting someone so you use “I’m sorry” as a softener. Whatever the reason, the most important thing is to determine why you feel the need to apologize so much.
You might choose to journal about your feelings of inadequacy, which can bring clarity. Or you might choose to talk about it with a friend, significant other, or therapist. What matters most is that you give time and energy to figuring out the reason why you feel the need to apologize so much.
It’s not a crime to feel inadequate, but if you don’t take steps to overcome it, you’ll remain the same well-intentioned but ineffective person you’ve always been.
Let’s take a look at some reasons you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize.
Times You Shouldn’t Say “I’m Sorry”
There are times when saying “I’m sorry” is necessary and helpful. When you do something wrong or hurt someone, a heartfelt apology can go a long way to mending the relationship. Asking for and offering forgiveness is both healthy and necessary.
But you should never apologize simply because you exist.
It may sound strange, but over-apologizing is a habit for a lot of people. Because of this, it’s helpful to identify times when you shouldn’t apologize. Here are a few examples of those times.
- When you give your opinion-you’re entitled to an opinion, even if it’s wrong.
- When you disagree with someone-you can disagree without offending.
- When you’re trying to get someone’s attention-try “excuse me,” or “pardon me,” but not “I’m sorry to bother you but…”
- When someone upsets you-”I’m sorry, but that makes me mad,” you don’t need to apologize for your feelings.
- When someone points out your mistake-everyone makes mistakes, just fix them and keep it moving.
- When you say “no” to someone- “I’m sorry but I can’t…” Are you actually sorry though?
- When someone helps you-Don’t apologize for needing help, decent people like helping others and you’re not a burden.
Try This if You Apologize Too Much
Uncovering the root of your need to apologize is the first step. When you get some sense of why you have the habit, here are a few simple tools you can use to empower yourself.
Count Your Apologies
You don’t need to count apologies like you count calories, but getting an idea of how many times a day you apologize can be helpful.
Use a journal or note-taking app and try to keep track of how many times you apologize for one day. This is a helpful way to uncover the reason why you apologize so much.
Change Your Vocabulary
When you discover the triggers of your apologizing habit, you can make a plan to interrupt the pattern.
I tend to apologize a lot when I’m stressed out or have strong emotions. To interrupt the pattern, you can change the words you use.
Instead of apologizing say “Unfortunately” or “Bear with me here.” Or you can cut the phrase out altogether.
Learn How to Say “No”
Do you feel the need to apologize when you say “no” to a request? If you’re like me, you feel the need to explain why you’re saying no.
Some relationships like a spouse or good friend might deserve an explanation. But you don’t owe the world an apology for exercising your right to say “no.”
Instead of apologizing, say “I’m going to have to turn down your offer,” or “Right now my answer is no.” Both communicate empathy and firmness.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to apologize for things that are out of your control, and you don’t have to say “I’m sorry” for expressing your feelings and opinions. If you have a habit of over-apologizing, ask yourself why you feel the need to do it so much.
While you might apologize to be nice, apologizing too much can be off-putting because it isn’t sincere.
Breaking the habit of constantly saying “I’m sorry” will make you more trustworthy. People will know that your apology comes from a sincere place.