Do Women Benefit Financially from Divorce?
Every divorce is different. Every divorce is life-changing.
I’ve recently come across an interesting piece of data: in the US, women initiate two-thirds of all divorces, and among college-educated women, that figure jumps to a mind-blowing 90%.
In an attempt to understand what brings so many women to quit their marriages, I wrote an article that went somewhat viral, Marriage Disproportionally Benefits Men — And women are quitting it in droves.
The article received a lot of responses, but one line of thinking stood up to me. It went something like this: “Why wouldn’t women ask for a divorce? They get to keep half of the man’s assets and the children, who the man then never gets to see?”
The implication is clear: women initiate divorce because it’s financially beneficial for them to do so. They only stand to gain, so why wouldn’t they?
It’s easy to see how men who feel they were “taken to the cleaners” by an ex-wife might perpetuate the myth that divorce is always financially advantageous for women, or even that the possibility of financial advantage is reason enough to ask for a divorce. The stereotype of the gold digger ex-wife is far too enticing for some people to let go of, especially people who can’t recognize their own shortcomings and mistakes, or who have never been through divorce themselves and don’t understand the grief, or the complicated mix of issues that causes a marriage to fall apart.
It’s the kind of argument that appeals to convict bachelors who not only swear off marriage entirely but who gather in online forums to disparage women and discuss how awful they are. It can be either a comforting image to assuage guilt or a cautionary tale to strengthen convictions formed in ignorance.
A brief history of divorce and alimony
Marriage and divorce have been part of human history for millennia. While different cultures have different ways to celebrate marriage and allow for divorce, it’s safe to say that in the Western world, heavily influenced by Christianity, marriage has been generally viewed as an unbreakable vow, and divorce, an unthinkable last resort.
For centuries, laws that regulated divorce in several western countries required the petitioner to prove wrongdoing by the other party, such as adultery or cruelty. In England, it was only after 1857 that women were allowed to petition for divorce in the first place. Before that, divorce required an act of Parliament, which made it available only to rich men of influence who could afford it.
In the US, the first no-fault divorce bill was signed in California by Governor Ronald Reagan in 1969. No-fault divorce eliminates the need to prove (or even fabricate) spousal wrongdoing to petition for a divorce, meaning reasons such as incompatibility began to be accepted as sufficient for granting a divorce.
For decades, even though it was legally possible, divorce meant you became a social pariah. As Newland Archer (Daniel Day-Lewis) says in the movie adaptation The Age of Innocence (1993): “Our legislation favors divorce, our social customs don’t.” The Age of Innocence is a work of fiction set in the 1870’s New York, but the anti-divorce sentiments it echoes are far from a complete fabrication and have lasted for decades after the novel was first published, in 1920.
Historically, alimony was created to minimize the impact of divorce on the lives of women. “Since women didn’t have property rights during their marriage, U.S. divorce laws initially used alimony as a way to level the playing field so a woman could support herself post-divorce.” Source.
In the 1970s, states started ignoring gender when awarding alimony.
The financial reality of divorced women
High-profile divorces often lead us to believe that every wife walks away from her marriage with a small fortune, but the reality of ordinary women who marry and divorce away from the spotlight is very different.
“Research from the London School of Economics found that women who worked prior to, during, and after their marriages experienced a 20% decline in income as their marriages ended. Men, on average, experienced an income rise of 30% or more post-divorce.”
“At the same time, the poverty rate for women who’ve left their marriages is 27% — nearly triple the figure among men.” Source
Several factors account for the disparity in financial outcomes between men and women after a divorce, including the fact that many women take breaks in their careers to have children, when they don’t drop out of the workforce completely. By the time they’re back, these women can’t command as high a salary as they once did, and often have to completely start over.
After a divorce, women are often awarded primary custody of the children, which means the time they can dedicate to work continues to be severely limited while their now ex-husbands have even more freedom to prioritize career over family, and thus continue to earn more. More equitable custody agreements, such as joint custody, can help bridge that gap for women, but we still can’t ignore the harsh reality that a lot of women file for divorce to escape abusive marriages and protect their children from abusive fathers. In these situations, joint custody isn’t in the best interest of the children, regardless of how much it could increase the mother’s earning potential.
Real women tell their stories
In the interest of understanding how divorce affects the lives of real people, I spoke with five women (two Americans and three Canadians), about their reasons for divorce and how it has affected them financially.
For privacy reasons, their names have been changed.
Sarah
Sarah is 47 years old, and her marriage lasted about five years. She quit her job to become a stay-home mom per her husband’s request. She was terrified to leave a 20-year career since her chances of ever coming back at the same level were minimal, but for the sake of her child and her marriage, she did.
Sarah was financially independent before she got married. After having a baby, her husband became the sole contributor, and when they started to have marital problems, he began making financial decisions that would put her in a precarious financial situation should she ask for a divorce. They had a home equity line of credit that allowed him to borrow money without her knowledge.
“He was borrowing money against our house to make big purchases. He was purposefully increasing our debt so I would be legally responsible for half.”
Sarah knew that when she asked for a divorce she would leave with substantially fewer assets and money than when she entered the marriage. She estimates she’s lost about $500,000 so far.
“[I knew] If I left I would leave with nothing extra, have to start over and half of the debt. [sic] Also knowing it would be a forever fight over supporting our little one.”
Sarah’s divorce still isn’t final. Her ex-husband is still fighting over custody and child support, and she’s looking at another year at court while trying to get back into the workforce.
Tracy
Tracy’s marriage lasted 17 years, she and her husband are just under 3 months separated, and they have 3 children.
Tracy was the one who asked her husband to leave. They had been pulling apart for the last three years, and she had concerns the marriage no longer provided a safe and stable environment for her children.
Looking back, she says she can see her marriage was never equal. She has always worked full time and has been the higher income earner in the family. “All the heavy lifting has always been on me. Everything from dishes to finances to getting the kids to all their activities.”
When I asked if she felt divorce would bring her financial benefit, she said, “Absolutely no financial benefit. He drove away with our only free and clear asset and all the debt is in my name. He will take none of that on.”
I asked her how much she considered finances before deciding for a divorce.
“I considered finances enough to be sure I would still be able to feed, clothe, and house my children. I’m still the one paying for the bills. The only thing I asked financially was not to be forced to sell our home so the kids had that security. The equity in the home is balanced to zero by the debt I am left to carry.”
Joan
Joan is 23, and her dissolution will be final in January 2021. She and her husband have been separated since August of 2020. She was married for 4 years, and describes her marriage as “unbalanced.”
“He would seek attention from other women, wanted his freedom, and minimal responsibility. We had a child and bought a house and when I needed/expected more from him it caused a lot of issues.”
Joan says the decision to separate was mutual, but she was the one who pushed for divorce and filled.
At the time of the divorce, Joan was out of work due to an injury, and according to her, her husband “blew through his checks” and didn’t help. She borrowed money from relatives to file for divorce.
“As far as bills, I had already planned a budget to afford everything months prior so I knew I was okay.”
“I didn’t think I’d benefit nor did I want to. I didn’t want child support, alimony, or anything. I actually had more financial burdens. I just made sure I could live on my own and was done. I filed to be happy, I didn’t care about money.”
“He is getting a 20k bonus that I’m entitled to half of and I’m only taking 2k to cover some marital debt. I didn’t care about the financial gain or consider a financial gain. I knew I could take care of myself.”
Mary
Mary is 28 years old, and was married for 7 years. She has two daughters.
Mary says her ex-husband was emotionally abusive towards her and their kids. “I had a lot of empathy for him because of his broken childhood. I stayed because I swore if he got help he would get better, if I supported him he would get better, but as I did that I lost myself and my mental state got worse and worse and he sucked the life out of me and our kids.”
“I had a mental breakdown from years of abuse (mental and emotional). I spent 2 nights in the hospital and when I got home he asked me to walk the dog and make dinner and clean up and I said enough was enough and kicked him out.”
Mary’s ex-husband owes her child support, which she’s still trying to get him to pay. She’s currently on welfare and has plans to get an education. She knows the battle for child support is far from over, but she’s confident in her ability to take care of herself.
Ann
Ann, 42, has been divorced for about six months after a four-and-a-half-year marriage. She and her ex-husband have a one-year-old daughter together.
When she married, Ann became a stay-home mom to her step-daughter, her ex-husband’s child from his first marriage. Ann decided to get a divorce after an argument with her husband, which made it clear to her that she would be always walking on eggshells around him. According to Ann, her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, and she realized she had to get away to protect both her daughter and her step-daughter.
When I asked her if she considered finances at all before the divorce, she said, “I really didn’t care about the money. I knew it would be hard very hard. But, I had done it before with my eldest child who’s now 22 and I essentially raised him as a single mom till he was 15, but my now ex-husband didn’t take any interest in him after we got married.”
Ann says even though the divorce is finalized, she still worries about her daughter, who has “has come back with multiple injuries from his [Ann’s ex-husband] limited time with her. But no one seems to care.”
Every divorce is different
The idea that women always benefit financially from a divorce, and that the perspective of financial advantage is an enticing enough reason to break a marriage is a harmful stereotype. The reasons that cause a marriage to end are multiple and complex, and the financial burden on both sides often outweighs any perceived gain in that area.
Historically, women didn’t have the option to leave a bad marriage since it would mean complete financial ruin, not to mention societal ostracism. Now, there are basic assurances that make divorce possible for women, but that doesn’t mean they make divorce desirable. It is still a painful process that sometimes leaves women worse off.
Some divorces are more amicable, some more litigious. Some people are better informed about their rights, others get manipulated by former spouses into cutting their losses and leaving with far less than they have a right to.
In the quest to understand why women ask for two-thirds of all divorces, the prospect of financial advantage doesn’t seem to count as a factor. Counting on alimony and child support to make ends meet while juggling a return to the workforce and primary child custody is far from the easy life many outsiders believe it to be.
Even the idea that “women get to keep half of a man’s assets” is flawed since a lot of assets are often acquired by the couple during the course of the marriage thanks to a joint effort. In one-income households, it’s precisely the non-paid work of the stay-home spouse that allows the breadwinner to rise in his or her career. It would seem like teamwork in marriage is good and valid when it counts towards acquiring assets and growing wealth but can be completely dismissed the moment that wealth stands to be divided.
Forget the high-profile cases you see in the media. Not every woman is divorcing Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk and walking away with millions (sometimes billions). For most regular people, the only advantage of divorce is to get out of a dysfunctional marriage and take the opportunity to build a new life. But generally, for both men and women, the first step of that new life is to overcome a major financial setback.