BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID
Four Tornados With a Side of Lightning
There are four tornados within 500 miles of me
Does anybody look out their window anymore? Do you go outside before checking your app? I’m not talking about going to work. That’s mandatory. But how about taking a walk? Does your app keep you inside, watching tv, reading your book, taking your food out of your frig and putting it in your mouth?
Are we all trapped inside because of the weather reports, weather apps and general fear of weather? I didn’t used to be afraid of thunder but now I treat it like air raid sirens.
Have you heard the weather reports today? Weathergeddon, man. There are four tornados headed my way, rain the size of golf balls en route, and a thousand lightning strikes within a mile of me. Some of the lightning strikes are in the lake, so I’m thinking tsunami? Is a tsunami called a seiche in a lake? Either way, it’s coming for me. It’s coming for all of us.
I planned on riding my bike to work, but that weather lady is reporting on a hurricane somewhere. Her umbrella turned upside down and was ripped out of her hands. She’s standing in four feet of water and I don’t know where she is but why would anyone go anywhere? I’m working from home today. Maybe this week. Or month.
I don’t want to be one of those people who never go outside because of a little weather report, and I don’t know where Anocanda, Illinois is, but they just had a level 5.4 earthquake. That could be 200 miles from me — aftershocks, you know?
And tornados? There are three of them in Iowa right now which is only two hundred miles away but those things go 150mph so they’ll be here in the next half an hour if they keep heading East. What’s gonna stop them? Thor?
I was going to take the dog out when I heard lightning strike. I counted to two which means as soon as I open my door, I’ve got a 20% chance of being hit, so poop in the bathroom, Ewok. We treat you like a human. so act like a human. I love you, but I’m not dying for you, fluffy puppy.
Last night I was falling asleep and the news said there were 60 mph winds. I’m not going outside for at least a week. The weather people said to beware of loose branches and scaffolding from above. What do they think I have? A drone that hovers above me sending warning signals? I don’t have that kind of dinero.
I think we should get brave again. Put down our apps, and stop listening to those attractive people with broken umbrellas yelling into hurricanes.