Do These 5 Things to Love Yourself Before You Love Anyone Else

I started to love the person looking back at me in the mirror.

Life was once simple. We believed that people were nice, and we were madly in love with ourselves. It was a time where I liked my forehead being a little wider than others, I liked how my lips were smaller, and how the bags under my eyes looked cute— the person looking back at me in the mirror was beautiful.

Growing up, I had a one-lined definition of life which included fun and joy. People had beautiful smiles, dazzling eyes, and great personalities. But If we go back a few years, I was more focused on hiding myself from others than living my life to the fullest. Why? I still looked the same, and people had the same eyes and stares. The only thing that changed was the fact that I stopped loving myself.

I looked for love in relationships

There was a time where I blamed the other person in a relationship for not treating me well. We shared good moments, had a great time, but there was always a spot that made me feel away from “the love I deserved”.

When you deprive yourself of self-love and look for it in relationships, things always get messy. I was miserable. Every single fight made me believe that I wasn’t worthy of love, and that’s why I chose the easiest option. It was easy to blame — even easier to say “I don’t feel loved”, but slowly, one relationship after the other, I noticed it was me and not them.

My self-hate started in middle school

It started with a single stare in middle school. My acne was made fun of, and there it was, my first insecurity added to the list. It made me feel weird, to say the least. I remember how this incident introduced me to make-up and how suddenly, I felt my confidence go down the drain. My bucket of insecurities got bigger and deeper as I started moving on with life — it gradually took me to my lowest.

I wish I knew then, what I know now. If I could tell my old self one thing, I would ask her to stop looking for love in relationships and warn her that growing self-hate will only make her depressed.

Things changed when I started reading about self-love and practiced it on myself. I proudly went through a phase that helped me fall in love — this time, with myself.

1. God created me; His creations can’t be flawed

“Indeed, We created humans in the best form” — The Clear Quran, Dr. Mustafa Khattab.

No matter what your religion is, we all believe in our God. With a belief this strong, how can you pick flaws out in the creation of your Master? Why are we so brutal to ourselves?

A firm grip on the thought, that I was worth the creation, made me believe that I wasn’t, indeed, the “version of ugly” I thought I was. I was made with love and given a heart, which didn’t have built-in hate— the negativity of those people can’t take the “LIFE” away from me.

A good heart makes a good person. We are given our looks, they are meant to change naturally — we have no control over these things, but what you put in your heart, makes you what you are.

People say what they want to say about how we look, walk, and talk — they are naive. Don’t fall for the trap, wish them well — maybe one day, they will love themselves enough to stop killing people by their words.

2. Accept, forgive, and fix — The AFFs of love.

The world is a shady place, and nobody here is perfect. We all have stories, we have all wronged people in a way, and have a list of mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we beat ourselves down. I was tricked too. My negativity took a toll on me and holding on to regrets made me hate myself — but today, I have accepted everything.

Yes, I was horrible at times. I was mean to my parents, hated the people who tried correcting me, I broke hearts, and I am pretty sure many tears landed on beautiful faces because of me — it was all me.

But who doesn’t learn and change?

I am a better person, with much greater values, love, and care for others. The fact that I got a chance to make a change in myself, is reason enough to believe that everything happens for a reason, and I have a bigger part to play (yet). I wouldn’t have been the person I am today if it wasn’t for all that.

I started facing things that I never accepted. My childhood, my past — the old Naba, who had a lot to say in her “secret diaries.” I accepted who I was, what I was, and everything that happened. I started forgiving people because they changed me for the better — they made me see what the world was.

In the end, I was strong enough to put band-aids around my rough edges, and start the process of healing.

I no longer look at someone who has eye bags — the person who looks back at me in the mirror, now has beautiful eyes and a heart that believes there is good in people.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”― Brené Brown

3. Don’t fall for the tricks your mind plays — your thoughts are just lifeless thoughts.

I had days where I hated myself, self-loathing took the best of me. I felt guilt, but who made me feel that? Me and my mind.

We are all inherently negative creatures, sometimes a thought is nothing but a realization of how far you have come.

In a moment like this, I took time off and addressed what it was directed towards. Sometimes, it was just my hormones being my enemies, and sometimes, they were just my empty, powerless thoughts. Indeed, we can’t work on changing our thoughts. The more we work, the longer they stay in our minds. What we can do, is stop listening and believing them.

Lending an ear out to your negative thoughts rarely helps you. Take time, reflect, see where they are coming from, let out the anger if you have it, and breathe. There is no one like you out there.

4. I started chasing things that made me feel good

For me, it was the morning walk with light chirps of birds, as I talked to myself about how I felt— it made me feel good. Keep in mind, a relationship works both ways — you give 50%, you get 50%. How can you expect better things when you are not investing in yourself?

It is not a summer fling that will go away in a month, it is you — love yourself, because if you don’t, nobody else will.

Do that thing you love, go read that book, work for that job, paint, see your friends — do whatever leads you towards peace. Chase things that make you feel good before you chase people to fill the void that sits in the dark corners of your heart.

In the end, remember, you can’t make others happy if you are miserable yourself.

5. I pushed my walls down, I let people in

On my road to self-recovery, I came to know things about myself that terrified me. I thought nobody would ever love me for who I was and hence, the walls came up. I shut people down, isolated myself, and clung on to dear life.

I was never honest with people but I learned, once you are satisfied with yourself, you let people in.

You trust people because you believe there is good in them. You fix them, as you fixed yourself, and then, there is nothing left to break a bond of two people who love each other along with themselves.

That’s how you get happy endings and movie scenes — it is all about love, and the different forms it has.

Final thoughts

Once you start loving yourself, you start cleaning up, piece by piece. The bad things take time to leave the surface, but keep in mind that only you can wipe your slate clean. Let go of the dirt so that others can see through and appreciate your beauty.

What people say about you, says a lot about them.

When you are done bathing in the pool of acceptance, the good things cover you. Your empathy, the twinkle in your eyes, the discomfort you go through when you see someone in pain, the love you want to give, the bad you want to change, and the people you want to stand with — that’s what makes you the best, my love.

Remember, we weren’t born to please others. We were meant to live a life full of love and joy. Love yourself because you need it the most.