Do Not Forget to Hate Me

Summary

The poem "Do Not Forget to Hate Me" reflects on the struggle with mental illness, the desire for acceptance, and the complexity of self-identity amidst internal battles with suicide and self-loathing.

Abstract

The poem presents a raw and intimate portrayal of an individual grappling with their mental health. It conveys the narrator's internal conflict between the desire to live a genuine life and the constant pull towards self-destruction. The narrator acknowledges their vulnerability without the protective "disguise" of their former self, and the paradoxical act of apologizing to end all apologies symbolizes a quest for redemption. The text speaks to the strength required to choose life over death, despite the absence of love and the presence of despair. It also touches on the theme of being misunderstood and the pain of pushing others away as a means of self-preservation. The poem concludes with a plea not to be forgotten, suggesting that even hate is preferable to complete erasure from memory.

Opinions

The narrator feels judged and misunderstood, particularly by those who doubt the sincerity of their struggle with mental illness.
There is a sense of frustration and futility in the face of mental health challenges, as the narrator describes their fight against suicidal thoughts while lacking a reason to resist them.
The poem expresses a deep longing for love, which is seen as a transformative force capable of turning "endless dread into courage."
The narrator reflects on the duality of their existence, with parts of their identity that they despise falling outside societal norms, leading to a distorted self-image.
The text suggests that life is worth fighting for, even when it feels unbearable, and that one should not give up easily.
The act of disappearing is presented as both a desire and a defense mechanism when feeling unseen and unheard by others.
The poem conveys a deep-seated fear of being forgotten, implying that even negative remembrance is better than being completely erased from the minds of others.

Poetry Wednesday

I was ready to live with a real smile on my face. I almost got away with it.

A butcher’s hook in my wing. Freedom of movement, taken.

Underestimated how naked without the disguise. Opened the eyes, while the mind remained confused and blind.

Apologising for apologising, to end all apologies for upside-down redemption. The hardiest action is to live and lose the right to decided. To close the door on suicide.

The countless times I changed my mind. While none ever knew.

Repeatedly battling suicide to stay alive, so I could fight for a life that I never had. Weak — without a reason to resist the demons that speak. Love — would have turned endless dread into courage. Future — immobilised lacking desire. Misery — tolerated the whole story. Rage — burning every page, removing every trace. Change — I found a way, I pushed everyone away.

It is easier to disappear when none are watching. When none are left to cure my feelings. While all the answers were worried about my patience. I helped myself. I tested another bulletproof excuse. As judged as stupid for a mental illness and hated by sceptics. That disagreed with my apology that was too full of honesty.

A mockery made from my inconsistent personality. I did my time, breaking away the parts of me that I despised. Those parts fell outside the lines. Until the mirror was unrecognised.

Nothing is longer than the last breath. Nothing should surrender till there are no moves left. No one should live their whole life wishing to be dead. Close the eyes and return to the blind. But do not forget to hate me. As it is better than forgetting me completely.