Do Nice People Really Finish Last?

Yes, unless you let go of the need to please and put yourself first

Friends would frequently tell me, “You are way too nice.”

I always shrugged it off thinking, what’s wrong with being a good person?

But when the same type of people kept showing up in my life, it made me reconsider.

There’s a difference between being nice and being a pushover.

I came to realize a truth I didn’t want to see. My need to please others left me bringing up the rear. They were winning while I was getting a chuck under the chin — “good try out there today!”

The need to please often gets conditioned into us from an early age. For me, it started as a young child trying to gain favor with my mom. If I didn’t comply it would mean withdrawal of communication, the dreaded silent treatment. And although I don’t think she meant it this way, to me that was a withdrawal of love. It was a risk I couldn’t take.

So I learned how to please, paying careful attention to avoid any behavior that might land me in the “dog house,” a very uncomfortable place to live. It seemed easier, more prudent even, to comply.

As I got older I became used to being the emotional support for my mom — it seemed to me what any good daughter should do. But at the same time, I was becoming mired in my own depression and anxiety and had no one to turn to. This is when I began, over and over again, finishing last.

When you consistently put other’s needs before your own, you end up attracting people into your life who have a lot of needs. Why? Because they recognize you. The energy you put out screams, “I’m here to help — anything you need!”

You support others to the win, and while you might get a thank you, or another chuck under the chin, you wake up one day and realize you are not even in the race anymore. You are simply part of the pit crew leading them on to the next victory.

Pleasing other people, helping them, supporting them through a tough time, seems like the nice thing to do. But if you do so at your own expense, then yes, you will continue to finish last, or you’ll be knocked out of the race altogether.

Learning to put yourself first

To get yourself back in the race, a top contender even, you have to learn to put yourself first. But when you do, you’ll quickly shake up the relationships in your life, which is why giving up on people-pleasing can be a tough addiction to break.

If you are frustrated by this pattern but it feels impossible to change, here are a few things that might be holding you back, and how to bust through those fears.

I’m afraid if I say no it will end the relationship.

I’ve had many relationships where I’ve always said yes, even if it was something I really didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to make anyone angry, or God forbid shut me out, so I’d say yes and then be miserable … but at least they were happy!

So we are spending time or emotional bandwidth on supporting someone else while our needs are going unmet. When we can look at it objectively, that is unbalanced.

If you put yourself first and say no, and that causes anger in the other person, do you really want that person in your life? Although it can be hard to let go of friendships, some that you may have had for many years, if there is a constant imbalance letting them go is the best thing you can do for yourself.

When evaluating a relationship, step back and look at it as an outside observer. If you were not a part of it, would you say the relationship is healthy? If the answer is no, it’s time to let go.

I’m afraid people won’t like me.

Most humans share the desire to be liked, to be accepted, to fit in. I grew up in a neighborhood where friendships had already been established, and I was desperate to be brought into the fold.

I had already developed my mad skills as a people-pleaser so I put them to use full force. And I did establish friendships, some life long. But my skills also landed me in the role of the pick-on kid. I always laughed it off, yet it wasn’t funny or fun for me. All in the name of fitting in.

If people like you only for what you can do for them, or so they can have a few laughs at your expense, once again — do you really want those people in your life? Believe me, being popular at the expense of yourself is just not worth it.

I’m not a good person if I don’t help others.

Helping others is wonderful and something that we should all strive to do. But there is a difference between helping and being taken advantage of.

Is there is someone in your life who is always in need of help, whether that is physical help with a project or emotional support for their latest drama, yet they are always unavailable when you occasionally ask? Again, if that is the case it’s time to take a hard look at the relationship, and perhaps make the tough choice to let it go.

Years ago I got the best advice from a friend and co-worker while discussing difficult people in our lives. She said simply, “Time to weed the social garden.”

We began to live by that phrase, turning it into a pantomime of pulling an imaginary weed and whipping it over our shoulder. And if someone was bringing drama into the office, we just looked at each other and made the simple gesture as a signal not to engage.

It is possible to be nice and win at life, and it starts with putting yourself first and rethinking relationships that are at their core unbalanced or unhealthy.

Don’t be afraid to weed your own social garden. You’ll find it is much more peaceful to have a few beautiful flowers than a full looking garden that is tangled with weeds.

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