Do Men Care if Women Have Kids?
Single Motherhood From a Man’s Perspective
Being a single parent of either sex comes with a very particular set of both challenges and rewards that are meaningful in the lives of millions of people. Many single mothers, especially newly-single mothers out there may be wondering if their children from a previous relationship will hinder their possibility of finding the perfect guy and settling down in the future.
“Am I less desirable?” many women ask themselves upon finding themselves newly single with children, “Will anyone want to deal with the extra responsibilities that come along with dating a woman who has kids?”
These are common questions asked on social media and other platforms which really seem to bring an immense amount of dread to the questioners who ask them. If you’re considering such questions they can weigh heavily on your life and self-esteem. I was recently asked this by a few women who seemed particularly concerned that in leaving their previous relationships, finding a new relationship might be challenging, so I’d like to offer some insight from the perspective of a man who’s spent much of his life listening to men and how they speak around other men, to perhaps shed some light on the situation.
Hopefully, this story will clear up some of the confusion about how men generally view the situation.
If these types of questions don’t apply to you, excellent, but I’m going to ask that we be understanding of the fact that they sometimes weigh heavily on the hearts and minds of the many people who are faced with them daily.
Most Men Don’t Care
In all of my years of experience and intimate man-to-man talks, I’ve almost always been told in confidential conversations that men don’t usually care if a woman has kids. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re capable of the task, however, as it’s no secret (and scientifically proven) that most people tend to overestimate their abilities, especially when it comes to responsibilities.
But ultimately, if you’re worried that your children from a previous relationship may ruin your chances at finding a quality man, relax, because most men don’t care, and the ones that don’t care about kids from previous relationships are also likely to be more willing to commit to a relationship than men who are not.
Frankly, I have a bit of a goofy, fun, and playful side, and think most adult men do, and I’ll speak for myself here, that I love kids because for a large portion of the time, we operate on the same level of maturity…those are good times.
Someone’s ability to put their adult problems aside and share the limited-yet-expansive and imaginative world of children with them for a little while tells us a lot about people, especially their levels of personal responsibility, empathy, and selflessness.
If I had to give a very unscientific estimate of all my friends who’ve been totally against the idea of dating a woman with children, I’d say it’s around 5% of the people I’ve known. This isn’t to say that the other 95% don’t factor it into their decision to date someone, they do, and rightfully so, because no one should be taking on the responsibilities of, not only another partner, but also children, without doing some deep reflecting on whether or not they can handle those responsibilities.
The Right Question
There is also another side of this same coin. Whenever I’m asked these questions, by friends or even total strangers (yes, that can happen in today’s interesting world), my answer is always the same:
The question shouldn’t be if a person is going to care about our kids, but if our kids are going to care about that person.
It’s much easier to reconcile the differences you may have if a person has problems with your kids simply by changing the person, but you can’t change your kids for other kids.
The Right Person Will Come Along
Personally, I was single for an entire year leading up to my present relationship, and not at all for lack of options. I held onto the belief that exactly what I wanted in a person would come along. I improved myself, improved my life, and strove to be a little bit better every single day, making small, incremental improvements in all areas of life so that when that person came, I would be ready to seize upon the opportunity.
It’s no good meeting the right person if we can’t effectively attract them, and I know this doesn’t apply to many people, but for those it does apply to, it needs to be said that it doesn’t do us any favors if we aren’t prepared to get into a relationship at that time. It’s important that we become what the people we want to attract are attracted to. People are going to be attracted to you, and for the right people, your kids will be a bonus.
I know it can sometimes feel like the process is taking forever, but if I can give any suggestions here, it’s that it pays to do the footwork and trust the process. When we achieve the small goals we set out for ourselves incrementally, over time, we begin to develop into the kinds of people we’re happy with, and this is important.
Someone is out there who possesses many of the traits that you want in someone, we just need to be patient and not settle for someone who doesn’t in the meantime. Like a good friend of mine always says, “Good gets in the way of great — if we settle for good, we miss out on greatness.”
Honesty is the Best Policy
Lastly, many people will tell potential partners up front that they aren’t interested in having a relationship that involves kids, and for some people, that can sometimes hurt, I understand, but it’s much better that they’re honest with you up front, rather than leading you on, only to find out they didn’t mean all of the commitments that they made later. This isn’t just blind optimism, here, feel free to raise your hand if you’ve ever gotten into a relationship where someone told you that a laundry list of things was cool with them at the outset, only to find out months later that they hate them all.
I’m sure we’ve all been there. Little in this world is as awful as that feeling that we’ve been duped into a relationship we wouldn’t have gotten ourselves into had we not been lied to.
People who are straight-forward with their wants, needs, desires, and expectations are a breath of relief in a world that’s so often dishonest, especially when it comes to intentions. I don’t think we should punish them for their candid and straight-forward natures — they’re doing us a favor.
Simply put, people who don’t want kids often, but not always, simply value their independence over their commitments, and there’s nothing wrong with this, this is a personal choice of lifestyle. It’s how we go about it that counts.
Many times, people have other commitments in life and aren’t ready to add children into the mix on top of those commitments and if that’s the case, I appreciate such honesty always.
All in all, most men won’t care and will likely be delighted to be around kids, which says a lot about someone; I always watch how people are with animals as well, I’m wary of anyone who hates or dislikes animals, and personally believe it says a lot about a person.
Many men I’ve known have been secretly more crushed by having to leave the kids in a relationship than leaving the actual relationship, they just couldn’t help bonding so strongly with the future generations, and their so-called “paternal instincts” kicked in for another man’s kids.
So while I can’t speak on the behalf of all men, I am going to emphatically say that most of us not only don’t care but will have a lot of fun with kids in the picture. Of course, this is just one man’s perspective accounting for the perspectives of the men I’ve heard discuss the issue throughout my life, and I’m open to hearing what women have to say on the issue in regards to their experiences.
© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved
