Do I really need a nOOb Protection Plan?

Apparently, I am a nOOb. I recently discovered the term. A few seemed offended by the label but I’m too naïve to know better or perhaps I just don’t give a shit about labels.

Bottom line is, I have not been on Medium for very long. I have been gobbling up stories, articles and poetry as much as time will allow and enjoying every minute of it. So imagine the panic and fear when I happened upon Gutbloom’s “Medium needs nOOb Protection”.

Medium Needs n00b ProtectionThis is not an article about how to increase your recommends on Medium, but I will let you in on a little…

I knew I had to read it. I couldn’t just continue on my merry ignorant way without protection if I needed it. There could be real danger out there! This is what my father warned me about, and my naïve farm girl attitude could get me killed!

Perhaps some background… I grew up and continue to live on a farm in a land far far away, so far away we still think the internet is a cool idea, really, we do, and it’s even more exciting when it works. But we don’t all live in mud huts any more. (First world peeps need to stop thinking that shit).

Anyway, back to the need for an NPP ‘nOOb Protection Plan’

Before I sign up and invest anything (which could result in bonds being taken out, considering current exchange rates) into this protection plan I would like to fully understand what it is I need protection from and how serious perceived threats are. A thorough risk management assessment is in order, me thinks.

Is it the self-help gurus that everyone spends so much time bemoaning? There has been much gnashing of teeth and stamping of boots in protest. I thought of making my own placard to contribute to the protest just because protests can be cool but this one didn’t seem worth the bother. They could be perceived as dangerous, I suppose. Peddling regrets to fragile souls who aspire to be everything but themselves. But I am a brave nOOb! I will fight them off with my bad attitude and my cocky ignorance!

And, maybe I can find a sword somewhere.

I really wanted a wand, one without a conscience, but I read somewhere that Medium already has a witch and I don’t know where she hails from. Some countries may not govern their witches properly. Unrestrained witches could be a serious danger to a nOOb; especially one from a country that keeps their witches in check with strict aviation laws. There is order here where I live!

Honestly, sifting out the self helpers and stuff I would rather not read has not been that hard.

I know I probably should have made the effort to remember some of those big names though, because there is the threat, the REAL danger, of not getting anywhere on Medium. Gutbloom said I should be able to tag the Schwerer Gustavs (the big guns) and not just the 1.3K Swiss mini gun C1STs, if I hope to get anywhere.

I just haven’t figured out where it is I am supposed to be going.

I just came here to write and read… and write and read some more and just enjoy that. It seems I have ambition issues. I’m settling for happy when I could be successful! God forbid that I should settle for happiness and contentment in the small things! How fucked up am I!

There is the danger of becoming a constipated piñata that Lon Shapiro wrote about, or was it an angry piñata? I can’t remember, but either way it constituted pent-up emotions that would be best let loose. As long as I keep writing, I think this can be averted.

What really got me rattling in my nOOb boots was the bots! I know this because I had a nightmare that I was the Pied Piper and I had thousands of little ratbots following me. That shit freaked me out! Where will I lead them to from this little landlocked country I call home? Could I outrun them if the internet speed in our little Kingdom stays as ridiculously slow as it is now? Who knows.

But, I am not ready to leave Medium because it could get a little dangerous out there. I am a brave nOOb! *Imaginary sword held high*

For now, for I am but a fickle human, I want to keep pouring my soul out onto my laptop keys. I want to keep turning my own temperature up because of the heat generated by the poetry of Jules, Anna Present, Mike Essig and many others (Thank you! My partner is suitably impressed by the increase in temperature).

I want to keep feeling alive with the curiosity and emotion stirred by WalkerJojones, Jules (again) and Colette Clarke Torres and I want to keep getting high on Tremaine L. Loadholt.

There are simply too many to mention, but these have touched me most in the short time I have been here and I would like to thank them for doing so. For sharing not just their writing, but their hearts.

Indeed, I am a mere backfire in the world of weaponry out there but again…

I am a brave nOOb!

Now, allow me some space to breathe and to strap on the biggest pair of cahoonas I can find (because I’m fricken apprehensive) to push the publish button on this piece, but I enjoyed writing it… so here goes!