Do Complainers Even Know They are Complaining?
Thoughts on what complaining means
If two chronic complainers were stranded on a deserted island and one started complaining, what would the other do? Would they enter into a game of one-ups man? Would the other complain to the first complainer about their complaining? Or would they join forces and create a heavenly chorus of mutual complaining? I don’t know the answer, but it brings cynical humor to my heart to think about it.
I am not sure you could make a case for complaining being a valuable tool in any situation. And I’m not talking about merely noting or discussing problems in order to fix them. I am talking about the nagging, circular, problem-focused, “I don’t’ deserve this” type complaining that we all admit we hate but may perpetuate at various times.
If we are honest, the negative type of complaining we are talking about goes hand-in-hand with a lack of personal responsibility. Furthermore, the people who complain as a character-based pattern of behavior are frustrating to deal with. Imagine punching a wall and breaking your hand. Then imagine complaining about how bad your hand hurt. This makes no sense. Of course, your hand hurts! You punched a wall! As ridiculous as this sounds, it is precisely how disconnected a complainer is from a sense of personal responsibility and control in their lives. It is also precisely how ridiculous they seem.
We All Have Problems, But…
Complainers need something to be wrong. There is something so familiar about problems that every ache, inconvenience, misfortune, and stressor is something to complain about. Issues are what they notice. It’s what they’re familiar with and trained to see. It is their expertise. But look for a moment through an empathetic eye; what a frustrating experience it is to be in this conundrum. A continual loop of walking yourself right into a problem? What makes it more disturbing is that the problem’s only purpose is to justify your own frustration that’s built inside of you already. The problem is not something to overcome and learn from it’s something for you to say, “See, I told myself so.” Complaining then becomes their way of sharing their experience with the rest of us.
Complainers baffle me, not so much because I do not understand why they do what they do or what needs they are trying to get met, but more so because I can not figure out whether they actually know they are complaining and whether they understand that the very act of complaining is detrimental to their own health and well-being.
Chronic complainers tend to be people who have a dominant external locus of control. They do not see their reaction as something they choose, instead whatever the situation is bringing up in them is being caused by that stimuli. They are perpetual victims in the game of life. Even when things go right for them, they will note any imperfections or extended efforts it took to reach the achievement. Their feelings are valid, real, and tend to be negative. The problem isn’t the feelings themselves because, of course, we all have issues, but instead, it is in how they are expressing it.
Feeling expression tends to be the puzzle of human communication because it involves the rational mind using common language and examples from the environment to express an emotionally abstract concept. Feeling expression is our best attempt to connect with those around us, to know and be known. The mistake that gets made in communicating with a complainer is our failure to recognize that they are expressing subjective feelings but using rational language.
Dealing with a Complainer
However, let compassion rule over annoyance. When somebody complains, what they are doing is looking for validation for a pain that’s actually not connected to the external stimuli. The pain they’re experiencing came from a long time ago where they felt out of control. And that out-of-control sensation wasn’t provided a resolution that gave new insight and growth. It may even be that they gave up on potential resolution as a reasonable outcome and only know the perpetual problem cycle as their reality.
Their reality is such that problems are not seen as learning experiences, and therefore no new skills were attained. The complainer wasn’t always so but was never shown a path out of problems, so they developed this trait. No validation came to soothe the inner pain. This internal pain now wanders the earth like a ghost looking for resolution in the present moment, looking to make sense of itself, but only coming across as irrational or annoying. In turn, this annoyance continues to generate social responses that produce not relief.
The Relational Value of Complainers
Complainers are in our lives to let us know what bad listeners we are. They are here to teach us to be better listeners. We tend to respond to their complaints in a logical way, but when we give too much rational credit to what they are saying, we fall into the trap of responding literally, which in turn misses the result they are trying to obtain. In any human interaction which regards feelings, validation is the goal. Complainers are using complaints to express their feelings and therefore need validation. Validation is not the same thing as agreeing with them, which may feel what they are compelling you to do. Validation is simply saying something like, “Yes, that must suck.” Furthermore, we do not need to try and talk them out of their feelings either because that is also giving them rational credit, and we will inevitably be dismissing their feelings.
It is a tall order to communicate with a complainer effectively. One of the situations that I find extremely difficult to manage is when an unfortunate situation happens to both myself and the complainer. As I am trying to manage my stress and think through a practical approach to dealing with the stressor, I am also tasked with having to handle the complainer’s feelings, which hinders my emotional regulation system.
The Truth About the Disconnected Inner World of the Complainer
How you respond and react to the world is a reflection of you. This is a fact that many do not accept or perhaps aren’t aware of in the first place. Complainers need compassion, though it is tough to tolerate. People exist on various degrees of resolution regarding their internal world and past wounds. Growth in our adult lives is gained by engaging in what our wounds are telling us about ourselves. The way our wounds speak to us is through our emotional reactions to external stimuli.
The people, places, and experiences we encounter create in us a felt sense varying in some degrees from comfort to distress. The measuring stick by which our continuum is based is unique to each of us. This is why five people can experience the same frustrating experience and have five different reactions. Their reactions reflect the meaning that the experience had to them individually and may only have slight overlapping commonalities. Some will make lemonade out of the lemons, and some will complain that it didn’t come prepackaged.
However, complainers are taking part in a useful self-soothing experiment. They are placing the responsibility for how they feel on the environment as an attempt to avoid the interaction with their inner world, which taking responsibility would create. Complaining is part of a missile defense system that attempts to justify how they feel because acknowledging responsibility for how they feel would make them have to recognize the traumatic source of their personal response.
Trauma affects the lens through which we see the world. When a person’s inner world is wired to feel powerless, everything will feel like it is happening to them. Complaining is a way of trying to find validation for how they feel in a given triggering situation. Complainers find problems in the environment to distract themselves and others from the real source of their problem. In other words, if I do not have a problem to excuse me, then I have to take responsibility for my underachieving life, I have to face my reality and admit I have a choice, thus challenging the victim position I have known for so long. Obviously, this is not a conscious choice but is one that awareness can be drawn towards.
Gratitude as an Intentional Practice
Complaining seems to be a choice, as with any outward expression of feelings, there is choice involved. Even though some reactions are learned patterned responses, failing to interrupt the habit is still a choice. Why not choose a different response? I mean, we all complain at times, and I am not a walking daily gratitude devotional myself, but there are those out there who seem to be in a constant state of complaint. You know these people, and you can’t stand them. Perhaps, it would be an excellent moment to self-examine and make sure you are not one of those people yourself.
Of course gratitude is the answer and something we can all improve on, but this article is not about how to do that. There is no shortage of advice and testimonials regarding the value of gratitude as a practice. Neuroscience is showing us what St. Paul knew a couple thousand years ago, when he said, “Give thanks in all circumstances: for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thes 5:18). Paul and the people he was writing to were experiencing real suffering and persecution. How could he expect them to give thanks?
Perhaps doing God’s will is not your thing, but apparently, the benefit resonates deep in our brain circuitry either way. Gratitude is a mindset shift. As important as it is to understand why we may be wired a certain way, we are still tasked with escaping a fixed sense of our nature and engaging in a growth sense. Mindset is an independent variable that seems to supersede the cause of the problem, meaning that you can intentionally change your mindset, regardless of how you feel or how pessimistic you are.
Just like complaining is a choice, so is gratitude. It doesn’t take much imagination, though it does take some, to find things to be thankful for. It is also very useful both at preventing the need for the urge to complain as well as offsetting the complaint when it arises. “It could always be worse” doesn’t really help when I’m genuinely down in the dumps. Still, neither does continuing to spiral down a negative thinking and acting pattern that only reinforces the negative emotional state. Making an effort to practice gratitude is an intentional choice that we can make, especially if we feel we really have something to complain about.
If you have read this far, thank you! I would love to hear your feedback, have a discussion, or debate these concepts. Let’s connect at, PsychologyToday, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or shoot me an email at [email protected].