Divorcing

There are lots of unhappy children whose parents get divorced, but there are a larger number of unhappy children because their parents don’t divorce.

This is a phrase in one of my favourite books during my adolescence, although I can’t remember the title of the book. It was not a super famous book, but it helped me to realise that I didn’t have to feel guilty when my parents divorced.

My parents divorced when I was 13 years old. I felt sad, but part of me was happy about their divorce.

I noticed that the relationship between my mother and father was not good when I was eight years old. They were talking about divorcing one night while they believed that I was sleeping. My mum said, “I won’t let Hana go to school tomorrow so that we can discuss our separation together.”

I pretended to be sleeping and was listening to their conversation. I didn’t like my school, but that night I thought, “I want to go to school tomorrow.”

Next morning, I went to school. My mother didn’t tell me anything unusual. I was happy with the fact that they postponed their critical problem. However, their relationship never got better and they started having arguments, even in front of their children.

They argued almost every night when I was in junior high school. I didn’t like getting invited to my friends’ house where their parents always looked nice and happy and which would make me envy them.

The bad relationship between parents hurts children. I started wishing their divorce and I felt guilty because I thought children shouldn’t hope that their parents’ separate. However, to me, they looked like they were wasting their lives and I just wanted each of them to be happier.

When they decided to officially divorce I was relieved, “I will not have to hear their quarrels anymore and I can sleep peacefully.”

One difficult thing was that my six-year younger sister came to me with her watery eyes and asked, “One-chan (which means ‘big sister’ in Japanese), why are mum and dad going to divorce?” Another sister, who was even younger than her, was also shedding tears and looking at me. I didn’t know what to say to them and could do nothing, but hug my little sisters.

I thought I was selfish. I had wished my parents’ divorce because I didn’t want to see them arguing anymore. Shouldn’t I feel sadder for their separation as their child? Or am I a bad child or evil wanting my parents to divorce?

There are lots of unhappy children whose parents get divorced, but there are many more unhappy children because their parents don’t divorce.

The book told me that I didn’t have to feel guilty. The parents’ divorce is painful for children, but it also brings peace sometimes. Even if a child wishes their parents to divorce, nobody should blame that child.

The relationship differs from couple to couple. It is only themselves who can know what is going on with their marriage and it is difficult for outsiders to tell how their relationship should be.

I am not saying whether you should divorce or not.

However, one thing is sure and that is that life is long. The relationship with your family is important, but no matter whether you are a child or mother or father, everybody has the right to pursue happiness as a person.

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