Divorced? Separated? Congratulations!
Why We Need More Honest, Joyful Divorce Narratives
I came across a post on Instagram recently, which I immediately shared to my story. The line that got me read “Divorce itself sucks, being divorced can be incredible.” And it is. I have officially been divorced since December 2021, and on my worst days in 2022 I feel more content than I felt during the highest highs of the years I was married.
Off the bat, I should note that among the divorced I do have some privileges that make my road easier — the biggest one is that since we did not have children, I am not forced to maintain a relationship of any kind with my ex, nor am I faced with the difficulties inherent in a split custody schedule. Even so, in the last two years I have spent a lot of time talking to other people in the midst of separations and divorces — in support groups, on social media, on dating apps, and in my own personal circles — and even for those with co-parenting arrangements, almost everyone I have spoken to saw their divorce as a relief and something that brought them renewed hope for their future.
And yet, I think for those on the outside, the word divorce has a negative stigma and is viewed primarily as a tragedy. On the one hand, I do understand why. No one gets gussied up on their wedding day eagerly imagining the day they will divide their assets in court. But for those of us who do divorce, it is almost always the right decision. The process of divorce can be maddening and demoralizing, as very personal details get pored over while the parties involved are still working through their heartbreak.
Once the paperwork is finalized though, your life is your own again. As a childless divorcée, divorce gave me the opportunity to rethink my path in life, and align myself with my own goals again. I have had the opportunity to spend so much time on myself, from healing old wounds in trauma therapy, to rediscovering movement and exercise, to fully hitting reset on my career goals and thinking through what truly matters to me.
The moment that really brought my freedom into focus for me was moving to a new apartment. As I began buying furniture and decor, I realized mine was the only opinion that mattered. As I grew into my life alone, I learned this was true of my whole life now. When I wake up on a Saturday morning in my apartment, how I spend the rest of the day is entirely based on my needs, desires and whims. I started to experience moments of true euphoria — evenings spent reading with a cat snuggled next to me, elaborate dinners prepared based only on what I wanted to eat and cook, outings planned with no one to consult but myself. I started to understand why unmarried, childless women are “the healthiest and happiest population subgroup.”
This genuine contentment I feel in my life does not always align with the way the uninitiated react to hearing I am divorced. “I am sorry about that” they may say, in their desire to be sympathetic. While it is important to be sensitive to those that might be struggling internally with their divorce, I have found among other divorced people that we tend to congratulate each other on making a really challenging decision and doing the work to rebuild our lives. Of course, I do not recommend congratulating someone without putting out some feelers to make sure it is a positive thing in their mind, but I do find the majority would agree their divorces are for the best.
I am writing this for those of you struggling right now, who worry that you need a divorce, but who fear what life would look like on the other side. I think it is important that we tell the joyful, beautiful stories of how we found ourselves and got our lives back after divorce. For so many people, this relationship has been the center of their life for years or decades, and imagining life without that partner brings nothing but terror. This fear can draw out toxic and dangerous relationship dynamics simply because the people in them cannot imagine another way forward. I want those people to know there is life on the other side, and that life is rich. Yes, it may take legal squabbles, sleepless nights, and many hours of therapy to get there, but the beauty of a life unburdened by the constant drain of a toxic relationship will be worth the struggle. You are worth the fight.
My life is better, mind, body and soul, since I became a single woman after my marriage. My energies are focused on building the new career and new life that I want, because I am not being pulled constantly into circular arguments with a partner I am no longer on the same page with. If you are staying in a marriage that is not serving you out of fear of the unknown on the other side, I want you to know you are strong enough to push through that.
To other divorcées who are relishing in their lives on the other side, I urge you to share your stories. I know what they would have meant to me at my lowest point when leaving seemed insurmountable, and the thought of staying made me wish I were dead. Relationships come and go, they evolve and sometimes we grow out of them. Destigmatizing divorce is critical if we want to build a world full of safe, fulfilled and loved adults. Divorce is not right for everyone, but if it is right for you, I suspect you do not even know the heights to which it will lift your spirits. Queue up Adele’s 30, get ready to cry your eyes out and do the work in therapy, and then take the steps you need to build the life you deserve.
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