Summary

Divorce can lead to a sexual awakening for middle-aged women, often sparked by new romantic partnerships.

Abstract

The article discusses the phenomenon of middle-aged women experiencing a surge in libido following divorce, attributing this to the excitement of new romantic relationships. It cites research indicating that a new sexual partner is the top factor in boosting these women's sexual desire. The narrative challenges the societal expectation that women's sexuality diminishes with age, emphasizing the importance of sexual pleasure and the pursuit of novelty in maintaining desire. The piece also acknowledges that while some women may find sexual fulfillment within a marriage after the children leave home, others may need the change that comes with divorce to rediscover their sexual selves.

Opinions

The author suggests that a new partner, possibly younger, can significantly reignite a middle-aged woman's interest in sex.
Sexologist Tammy Nelson points out that women who were previously in sexually unsatisfying marriages often experience a heightened sexual exploration after divorce.
Research studies are referenced to support the claim that divorce can lead to increased sexual pleasure and exploration for women, even into their senior years.
The article posits that societal norms often suppress female sexual pleasure, and divorce can be a means for women to overcome these barriers.
Sexologist Pepper Schwartz warns that in many middle-aged marriages, sex can become a victim of relationship issues, leading to a loss of sexual desire.
The author emphasizes that women have a greater need for novelty to remain sexually aroused and that without it, their desire may wane in long-term relationships.
Esther Perel's work is cited to illustrate how domestic life can make women feel less like desirable beings, and how at midlife, there is a desire to reclaim that sense of being desired.

Divorce, the Great Sexual Awakening for Women?

Nothing boosts a middle-aged woman’s libido like a new lover

Many years ago when I was relatively newly divorced, I was sitting on the sidelines of my son’s Little League game and a fellow mom sidled up to me and we began to chat. Eventually, it got around to the topic of sex. Do not underestimate how often that subject comes up at youth sports games.

She confided that after few decades of years of marriage, she wasn’t really feeling it in the bedroom with her husband, a man I knew and who seemed like a good guy. “I’ve lost interest in sex,” she sighed.

She asked me what it was like to be single at midlife. Since I was in a relationship with a slightly younger man who was rocking my sexual world, I answered honestly.

“Great!”

She smiled, but I detected a hint of sadness behind it.

What I didn’t say and wouldn’t say, but most certainly thought, was that if she had a new partner — perhaps a slightly younger man — I’d pretty much bet that she’d get interested in sex ASAP.

And while I didn’t know it at the time, research had my back.

According to one study, the №1 thing that boosts a middle-aged woman’s libido is having a new sexual partner. That could come in the form of an affair partner, having an open relationship or consciously uncoupling.

Midlife women who left marriages that were less than satisfying sexually discovered that having new lovers was pretty exciting, even if those relationships were just short-lived flings.

“For women who appear to have ‘low desire’ in long-term marriages, many times when they get divorced they’re sleeping around with everyone,” sexologist Tammy Nelson, author of “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity,” tells me.

Of course, no one is promoting divorce as a path to sexual pleasure. That said, it often is, as researchers found in a study of hetero, bisexual and trans divorcees ages 57 to 91. Although a few of the women had some regrets about their marriage’s demise and experienced challenges post-divorce, divorce got them out of their comfort zone and opened them up sexually.

As the researchers note:

“women sometimes have to break rules to find sexual pleasure for themselves in a society which is not consistently supportive of female sexual pleasure. … It also takes seriously women’s right to seek pleasure and to overcome barriers to pleasure even if those barriers are socially sanctioned.”

That’s not to say that married women can’t and don’t reboot their sex lives at midlife. Women often feel happier in their marriages once their kids leave home (although a happier marriage doesn’t always mean a better or more active sex life).

Still, warns sexologist and author Pepper Schwartz, “In a lot of middle-aged marriages, sex has become victim to whatever the relationship’s issues are. They’re not necessarily tumultuous, but often they’ve lost their vitality and the sexual urge is lost.”

In truth, women’s desire fades faster than men’s in long-term monogamous romantic relationships, studies indicate, in part because we have a greater need than men for novelty in order to become sexually aroused; without it, our desire is likely to diminish.

This is not the narrative women usually hear.

“Home, marriage and motherhood have forever been the pursuit of many women,” Esther Perel writes in her book “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity,” “but also the place where women cease to feel like women.”

Sound familiar? It does to me. We go from being a desired being to a domestic being and at midlife, we desire to be a desired being again.

And in order to feel desired again , well, we just may have to break some rules.

Hey, I’m working on a book on changing the narrative about middle-aged and older women, “Not Too Old for That: How Women are Changing the Story of Aging.” Interested? Follow me here, on Medium, and on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. If you want to support my work and have unlimited access to my writing and the writing of all Medium writers, please become a member here. And if you’re interested in changing marriage, please check out the book I co-authored, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels. You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. We’re also on Audible.

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