Divorce Can Tell You a Lot About How Someone Was Raised

Dealing with spiteful spouses in divorce

My mom used to say, “There are two kinds of parents. Those who think their kids can do no wrong and those of us who know better.” She kept us close with a system of checks and balances.

She didn’t hover or micromanage.

Her philosophy was, “I trust you until you prove me otherwise.”

But she made it clear our value system was non-negotiable.

No matter how old I get, I can still hear my mother in my ear.

Are you being charitable and kind?

Did you do the right thing?

Were you responsible?

You never outgrow or discard these things. They aren’t selective. You don’t choose when you will enact your values or alter them depending on the situation.

You live by them.

And I did, even throughout an excruciatingly long divorce.

Not only for myself but because my children needed to know our value system is non-negotiable. Especially since their father was contradicting it.

Faith

My mother was clear, faith came first in our value system.

When my high school friends and I would bicker, she would say, “Girls, are you being charitable?” Which would inevitably make us burst out laughing. Faith was the core that encompassed more of our other values, kindness, empathy, and compassion.

When I met my husband at a Catholic college in Scranton, Pennsylvania, I thought our beliefs were aligned.

In divorce, my husband lacked the charitable spirituality I was raised with.

The one that reinforces right versus wrong. That grounds us and reminds us despite unwanted outcomes, this is still the mother of my children. How I treat her matters. In the face of unresolved disagreement, the worst happened but it’s wrong to compound it.

Family

My mom made it clear if we had faith and family we had it all.

I desperately tried to save my marriage. Until I realized it takes two people who value family.

When my son looked at me and said, “What kind of man leaves the mother of his children with no savings and retirement?” I understood two things. My son lived by my value system and he now knew his father did not.

Money isn’t something to be valued.

Despite divorce, the family should still come first.

The children are experiencing and watching each parent’s behavior. Is it in line with how they believe they were raised? Are we still the priority? Or is a parent withholding, hiding, or cheating the other spouse emotionally or financially? Is the parent absent? Do their children still come first? Or does another person or punishing their previous significant other?

Integrity

I was taught to be a leader and live with honor.

I don’t make my decisions based on another individual's behavior. I don’t make decisions based on what others can see. I make them out of self-respect. Honesty is not negotiable and the values I stand for are incorruptible.

I didn’t lie, cheat, or steal in divorce because they go against my core.

No one could talk me into doing these things. No one needed to tell me not to do them. They go against everything my mother taught me.

Divorce isn’t an excuse to abandon integrity.

My husband lied, cheated, and stole to get the desired outcome he wanted. He justified his actions. He wanted in his words, ‘to win’ even if it set a regrettable example for his own children. Even if it altered their view of him.

Responsibility

Two people were responsible for my relationship, my husband and me.

He chose to drink, act out, and not address the counselor’s concerns. I chose to remain in marriage counseling by myself. Two spouses making entirely contradictory choices.

We were both responsible for them.

But he was unwilling to be accountable.

Not surprisingly, this lack of responsibility continued throughout divorce.

There are consequences to our behavior. We have to own our mistakes and their result. He made a choice. The marriage ended. He had an obligation to resolve our situation in a fair and timely manner. Instead, he stopped paying bills, was emotionally and financially abusive and dragged the divorce out for years.

Right versus wrong

Staying in an unhealthy relationship rarely plays out well.

People get mad and say things. Awful things. I certainly regret some of my behavior. It took a lot of counseling to let go of the bitterness I felt towards my husband. Not only for his behavior but because I kept my side of the alter deal. I tried to make it work, he did not.

Regardless, I was still willing to do the right thing.

Divorce shouldn’t be an excuse for immoral, illegal or abusive behavior.

I wasn’t looking to be vengeful, to take too much, or to punish him.

All three of which he inflicted upon me. Instead of asking himself if he was doing the right thing? After all, he had been unwilling to do the work of saving our relationship. Yet, he still believed I deserved nothing and was an unrelentingy bully.

My husband went against everything I thought we both believed in.

But there was a foreshadowing moment.

One day I arrived at my marriage counselor’s office.

“If the epiphany I had on the drive over here is true,” I said. “Then my marriage is over.”

“What’s that?” asked my counselor.

“I don’t think my husband and I have the same value system,” I said. “Mine is faith and family but I think his is himself and money.”

Sadly, divorce would confirm my suspicions.

But mine would remain non-negotiable.

I wouldn’t outgrow or discard them. I wouldn’t alter them depending on the situation.

I would live them.