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Abstract

nt, the infant becomes angry or more distressed.Likewise, disorganized adults lack trust and give away their power to others at the same time. Their fear of abandonment, lack of boundaries, and lack of emotional regulation are obstacles in relationships. They always pay attention to the behaviors of others instead of their behaviors and agency.Research has long shown a significant correlation between victims of domestic violence and adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Recent research has related the connection to disorganized attachment. Victims in relationships with domestic violence tend also to have disorganized attachment.<h1 id="bba9">Disorganized Romance</h1>Research shows that uncertainty in love increases attachment. Perhaps attraction to uncertainty makes disorganized attachment adults trophies in the pursuit of love. They may present themselves as difficult to capture to hide their vulnerability.Their emotional barriers keep them safe. But, once they let down their guard, they do not know how to regulate emotions. Conditioned and unconscious manifestations may include excessive weight, poor grooming, abrasiveness, and emotional distance.<ul><li>Weight: Survivors of sexual abuse are more likely to be obese. Research suggests that those survivors who are overweight are more likely to have disorganized attachment.</li><li>Grooming: People who appear disheveled or excessively plain are often unapproached, thus, safe. Disorganized attachment adults may believe that being isolated is safer than being approachable.</li><li>Abrasiveness: Harsh judgments, hyper-alertness, and a short temper may become permanent personality traits that carry over from childhood.</li><li>Distant and Withdrawn: Disorganized attachment adults may not show much enthusiasm or share much information about themselves. Unknown equals unharmed.</li></ul>Relationships with someone who has disorganized attachment takes more than a bit of patience. The key to keeping love strong is to give them plenty of space. Porcupines love to feel close to people. But, they also love to feel safe.<h2 id="aa52">Familiar is the only normal</h2>Loving is a delicate work of art. You have to allow enough distance for independence, yet enough intimacy for security. Disorganized attachment adults may have seemingly unreasonable boundaries in relationships around sharing time, resources, or possessions. You can negotiate their boundaries over time, but must respect where they are today. The more threatened they feel the more erratic their emotional response may be.They may not have experienced normalcy or understand how boundaries work on their behalf and yours. They may have a limited range of emotions. The presence of a loved one without harm may be the only sense of happiness they understand.If a relationship with a disorganized attachment person is based on the absence of harm, compatibility may not have been a consideration. The caveat is that if a person with disorganized attachment heals, many of

Options

their relationships may no longer work for them.<h1 id="6a7e">Healing Disorganized Attachment</h1>Disorganized attachment represents a structure in the brain, not just an attitude. Fortunately, neuropsychology has shown that brain structures can change with adequate input and supportive environments. But, they don’t change overnight.Getting a disorganized attachment person to take responsibility for their behavior can be quite a challenge. Often, they are motivated by identifiable pain, such as a breakup or a trigger of their childhood trauma. But pain may place them in victim mode rather than on the healing path, especially if they are in unhealthy relationships.The goal is to redirect their energy inward instead of holding the world or someone close to them responsible for their emotional state.If they are open to learning about disorganized attachment, the healing journey can begin. The journey itself is day by day, watching and growing into responsibility for their emotional state at all times.The goal is to redirect their energy inward instead of holding the world or someone close to them responsible for their emotional state. Of course, quality self-care of the brain will go a long way. The brain responds to proper nutrition and exercise, as well as meditation.Low conflict environments are also essential to healing. High conflict environments will continuously trigger the high-alert response. The brain structure further solidifies, not heal.Understanding the healing process as a journey rather than a task is important not to work through the process with pressure. Disorganized attachment adults are not in need of fixing, but developing their brain.<h2 id="b809">References</h2>Bakari, R. (2019). Let Down Your Defenses: You Are Safe to Love and Live. Medium. <a href="https://readmedium.com/let-down-your-defenses-you-are-safe-to-love-and-live-6f493c3ab617.">https://readmedium.com/let-down-your-defenses-you-are-safe-to-love-and-live-6f493c3ab617.</a>Pallini, S., Alfani, A., Marech, L., & Laghi, F. (2017). Unresolved attachment and agency in women victims of intimate partner violence: A case–control study. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 90(2), 177–192. doi:10.1111/papt.12106Steven Rholes, W., Paetzold, R. L., & Kohn, J. L. (2016). Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 90, 61–65. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.043Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “he loves me, he loves me not. “: Uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172–175. doi:10.1177/0956797610393745.Wilkinson, L. L., Rowe, A. C., & Millings, A. (2020). Disorganized attachment predicts body mass index via uncontrolled eating. International Journal of Obesity (2005), 44(2), 438–446. doi:10.1038/s41366–019–0378–0</article></body>

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized relationships can be saved

Human beings may be the smartest animals on earth, but we sure aren’t born that way. Human infants are the most vulnerable of primates. Human babies are dependent on caregivers significantly longer than other animals.

Babies require more than physical care to navigate their future world. They also need a great deal of specific emotional care. They have to be nurtured for a sense of safety, trust, and belonging. To the degree human’s emotional needs are not met by their caregiver, problems may manifest in adulthood.

The complexity of the human brain relies on patterns to predict the behavior of others. When patterns of caregivers are consistent, babies can synchronize with them. Mother and infant share gazes. Fathers detect differences of needs based on cries. Siblings serve as surrogates when parents are inattentive. Infants give off signals, and caregivers respond.

Sometimes during tender years, adults overwhelm children with dysfunction instead of adequate care. Physical abandonment or sexual abuse is the most egregious offense that causes children’s brain development to takes an alternate route. A common developmental outcome is “disorganized attachment” that follows into adulthood.

Grown and Disorganized

Since disorganized attachment is a childhood response to the environment, adults who have it do not know they are operating in the world with a different development script. Disorganized attachment adults have the same desire for closeness as securely attached adults. However, disorganized adults are uncomfortable with closeness when it is offered or available.

The failure of the caregivers to synchronize with the child causes a breakdown in the child’s psyche. The child doesn’t learn to trust signals given or received. Consequently, the child doesn’t learn how to regulate emotions or develop a sense of agency. Instead, their brains remain on hyper-alert, always trying to figure out the environment.

Disorganized attachment adults have the same desire for closeness as securely attached adults. However, disorganized adults are uncomfortable with closeness when it is offered or available.

Long-term attachment issues

The way researchers test mother-infant pairs is to distress the infant by separating the pair, then observe the mother’s ability to comfort the child when reunited. Securely attached infants and disorganized infants are upset by the absence of the mother.

Securely attached infants easily accept their mothers’ gestures of comfort when reunited. However, when the mother shows up with gestures to comfort the disorganized attachment infant, the infant becomes angry or more distressed.

Likewise, disorganized adults lack trust and give away their power to others at the same time. Their fear of abandonment, lack of boundaries, and lack of emotional regulation are obstacles in relationships. They always pay attention to the behaviors of others instead of their behaviors and agency.

Research has long shown a significant correlation between victims of domestic violence and adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Recent research has related the connection to disorganized attachment. Victims in relationships with domestic violence tend also to have disorganized attachment.

Disorganized Romance

Research shows that uncertainty in love increases attachment. Perhaps attraction to uncertainty makes disorganized attachment adults trophies in the pursuit of love. They may present themselves as difficult to capture to hide their vulnerability.

Their emotional barriers keep them safe. But, once they let down their guard, they do not know how to regulate emotions. Conditioned and unconscious manifestations may include excessive weight, poor grooming, abrasiveness, and emotional distance.

Weight: Survivors of sexual abuse are more likely to be obese. Research suggests that those survivors who are overweight are more likely to have disorganized attachment.
Grooming: People who appear disheveled or excessively plain are often unapproached, thus, safe. Disorganized attachment adults may believe that being isolated is safer than being approachable.
Abrasiveness: Harsh judgments, hyper-alertness, and a short temper may become permanent personality traits that carry over from childhood.
Distant and Withdrawn: Disorganized attachment adults may not show much enthusiasm or share much information about themselves. Unknown equals unharmed.

Relationships with someone who has disorganized attachment takes more than a bit of patience. The key to keeping love strong is to give them plenty of space. Porcupines love to feel close to people. But, they also love to feel safe.

Familiar is the only normal

Loving is a delicate work of art. You have to allow enough distance for independence, yet enough intimacy for security. Disorganized attachment adults may have seemingly unreasonable boundaries in relationships around sharing time, resources, or possessions. You can negotiate their boundaries over time, but must respect where they are today. The more threatened they feel the more erratic their emotional response may be.

They may not have experienced normalcy or understand how boundaries work on their behalf and yours. They may have a limited range of emotions. The presence of a loved one without harm may be the only sense of happiness they understand.

If a relationship with a disorganized attachment person is based on the absence of harm, compatibility may not have been a consideration. The caveat is that if a person with disorganized attachment heals, many of their relationships may no longer work for them.

Healing Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment represents a structure in the brain, not just an attitude. Fortunately, neuropsychology has shown that brain structures can change with adequate input and supportive environments. But, they don’t change overnight.

Getting a disorganized attachment person to take responsibility for their behavior can be quite a challenge. Often, they are motivated by identifiable pain, such as a breakup or a trigger of their childhood trauma. But pain may place them in victim mode rather than on the healing path, especially if they are in unhealthy relationships.

The goal is to redirect their energy inward instead of holding the world or someone close to them responsible for their emotional state.

If they are open to learning about disorganized attachment, the healing journey can begin. The journey itself is day by day, watching and growing into responsibility for their emotional state at all times.

The goal is to redirect their energy inward instead of holding the world or someone close to them responsible for their emotional state. Of course, quality self-care of the brain will go a long way. The brain responds to proper nutrition and exercise, as well as meditation.

Low conflict environments are also essential to healing. High conflict environments will continuously trigger the high-alert response. The brain structure further solidifies, not heal.

Understanding the healing process as a journey rather than a task is important not to work through the process with pressure. Disorganized attachment adults are not in need of fixing, but developing their brain.

References

Bakari, R. (2019). Let Down Your Defenses: You Are Safe to Love and Live. Medium. https://readmedium.com/let-down-your-defenses-you-are-safe-to-love-and-live-6f493c3ab617.

Pallini, S., Alfani, A., Marech, L., & Laghi, F. (2017). Unresolved attachment and agency in women victims of intimate partner violence: A case–control study. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 90(2), 177–192. doi:10.1111/papt.12106

Steven Rholes, W., Paetzold, R. L., & Kohn, J. L. (2016). Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 90, 61–65. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.043

Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “he loves me, he loves me not. “: Uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172–175. doi:10.1177/0956797610393745.

Wilkinson, L. L., Rowe, A. C., & Millings, A. (2020). Disorganized attachment predicts body mass index via uncontrolled eating. International Journal of Obesity (2005), 44(2), 438–446. doi:10.1038/s41366–019–0378–0