Discussing the Thief of Joy
Comparison doesn’t have to hurt your feelings
Comparison is often described as the thief of joy.
On a sunny afternoon, a student and his teacher sat down to discuss the issues of comparison over foamy lattes.
Student: You constantly tell me to stop comparing myself to others. Why is that?
Teacher: Because everyone is different, and everyone has different abilities and circumstances. What might be a good result for you may be a poor result for another.
Student: OK, so how about we try to compare better?
How about I compare myself to people who are like me, with a similar background, education, age, etc.?
Teacher: Please stop comparing yourself.
Student: But what if I want to know if I’m on track?
Teacher: Everyone is on a different track. They are neither right nor wrong.
Are you happy with where you are now?
Student: Everyone is on a different track and yet, we value a lot of the same things.
Yes, I am happy but I just want to know if I missing out on something?
Teacher: Fortunately, and unfortunately, you are always missing out on things both good and bad.
Why are you so concerned with other people and what you might be missing out on?
Student: Because I want to know if there is something I can change or improve easily.
If others are making more for doing the same thing, I want to know why.
On the flip side, if I am making more than others, I also want to know why.
Don’t tell me this doesn’t make sense. You know it does!
When we look at statistics, aren’t we just comparing things? We compare time periods. We compare standard of living. We try to benchmark appropriately so we can make apples to apples comparisons.
So, shouldn’t we just compare better?
Teacher: The issue with comparison is that it creates this constant feeling of missing out as you have already described. It creates a social pressure to do things that you otherwise wouldn’t care about. It leads to anxiety, doubt and fear of failure.
For many people, the act of comparison takes away more than it adds.
That is the problem.
But if you were to compare in constructive ways, then I see fewer issues with it.
Student: Right. So, you are trying to save me from my own feelings?
Teacher: ……Yes.
Student: So why not teach me that I don’t have to get emotional looking at stats?
Teacher: Do you want me to be completely honest?
Student: Yes.
Teacher: Because I’m not sure you can. Like every other human being, you are an emotional creature.
Student: How dare you say that! I am offended you would think so lowly of me. Sniff Sniff*
What about you? You still value society and you want to fit in, right?
Teacher: Yes, that’s correct.
Student: But we also fit into the same social circles, and I admit social status matters to me. I want people to look up to me.
So, don’t give me that nonsense that status doesn’t matter.
Don’t tell me that if I work on and achieve my dreams, others won’t see me any differently or treat me any differently.
They will.
And how they react to what I do will partly determine what I do.
Teacher: Life is funny, isn’t it?
There is a desire to separate yourself from the values of others and yet, you still wish to be part of the same community.
I think we are all grappling with this to some degree.
There is a personal definition of happiness, success and failure.
And there is also a social definition of the same.
Where these two conflict can cause us great anguish and pain.
Trying to find where these values align can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment.
That is assuming you still cared what other people thought of you.
Student: Of course, I care! It’s not like I only want to be personally successful and satisfied so I can live in isolation, far away from everyone else.
Teacher: Trust me. If that’s what I wanted, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation either. I would be having this conversation with myself….
Student: ….
Teacher: For people that struggle with comparison because it distracts them from their goals, it makes them truly unhappy. It causes them to stress uncontrollably. For these people, it’s fine to stop comparing. In fact, like most people, they are better off focusing on what they are doing instead.
But yes, you are missing out. You are lying to yourself if you felt otherwise.
For others who can accept that others will have more than them, will perform better than them, comparison is a tool that helps you to identify where you may have room to improve or change in a positive way.
Comparison doesn’t have to be negative.
It is how you respond to comparison that determines whether it will become a net positive or negative.
Student: I see…
Teacher: When you compare yourself to Elon Musk, does that make you feel bad?
Student: Not really.
Teacher: Right. Studying how he conducts his businesses can help us plan our own.
But when you compare yourself to a classmate who has done better than you, that hurts much more doesn’t it?
Student: I guess so, yeah.
Teacher: Comparison isn’t inherently bad. The problem is the emotions and values we attach to it.
Student: I didn’t think about it like that.
Teacher: They call comparison the thief of joy. I think it’s clear why.
But it is also a thief of time and opportunity.
Constant comparison has a way of consuming people, even when they compare against themselves. They feel like they have it under control and yet they constantly refresh their stats when they should be focused on doing their work.
Most people spend far too long on comparing themselves that they lose sight of what is important to their progress.
You should only compare when you have meaningful data to analyse and it shouldn’t take long to do it.
Student: I guess I agree, yeah.
Teacher: Earlier you spoke about comparing to see if you were on track. I’d like you to consider what you mean by that? Are you on your own journey or just following in the steps of someone else?
We might have similar values but they also differ, the right track for you is uniquely your own.
The more you can identify what you value, the clearer the path becomes.
Student: Oh boy, that is a whole other discussion isn’t it?
Teacher: It is and it isn’t…