Discovery I Don’t..

Summary

The narrator humorously suspects his partner, Tracy, of plotting to kill him after noticing her interest in true crime shows featuring spousal murder.

Abstract

The narrator reveals his paranoia about his partner's intentions, sparked by her preference for true crime television shows that often depict wives murdering their husbands. He becomes increasingly suspicious as he observes her taking notes during episodes that detail methods of poisoning and staging accidents. His anxiety escalates to the point where he scrutinizes every minor marital dispute and bodily sensation for signs of foul play. The tension peaks when he drafts a letter accusing Tracy of planning his murder, only to feel foolish and apologize, finding solace in her silent treatment which he interprets as hurt feelings rather than homicidal intent.

Opinions

The narrator believes his partner's viewing habits of shows like "Discovery ID" and "Dateline NBC" may be more than a casual interest.
He interprets her note-taking during episodes about spousal murder as potential evidence of her plotting against him.
The narrator is hyper-aware of his behavior towards his partner, fearing it could provoke her to harm him.
He experiences a mix of fear and guilt, leading to an apology for his suspicion and a moment of peace when she stops speaking to him.
The narrator's humor and exaggeration suggest a tongue-in-cheek approach to the topic of marital trust and paranoia.

Discovery I Don’t..

My Sweetie likes to watch “Discovery ID,” shows like “Snapped,” and of course “Dateline NBC.”

Yikes!

I always used to wonder why she was so into shows like “48 hours Murder Mystery,” or basically anything to do with murder.

Then it hit me.

She wants to kill me.

I started noticing many of the episodes covered topics related to the wife killing the hubby. Things like, slow poisoning with antifreeze, or turning the gas stove on after he falls asleep, and skipping town.

I would pretend not to be paying attention but I secretly peered out of the corner of my eye, and could swear she was taking notes.

Her first husband was a wack job. What if he broke her and I was reaping what he sewed? What if I’m a walking trigger with a penis?!

I carefully started counting any murder worthy misdeeds I may have committed since we shacked up.

Let’s see, I was an asshole on the way back from eating out last Tuesday when I was ripping on her taste in music…

I passed gas in the car but could swear it was scent free. No….

I got it!

I became indignant when she said I was acting like my Dad last year! I was “hangry” and had a minor tantrum about not eating at our usual time. She said “take it easy Tom Wells.” I grimaced at her and fell silent.

I’ve been noticing my iced tea has been slightly soapy tasting. Hmmm…

Since when does she care about checking her radiator fluid?!

I’ll make sure she doesn’t get away with this!

I open my laptop and write:

“To Whom it May Concern,

If I’m dead, Tracy killed me. I’m not sure how, but she had been plotting my demise for quite some time. I know this because she watched lots of murder shows and took copious notes. I believe she was influenced by those “Real Housewives.” They’re always looking for greener pastures….”

Then I catch myself.

I feel stupid and guilty. I look over at her, smile, and say “honey? You don’t want to murder me, right?”

She doesn’t speak to me the rest of the night, and I find peace in her hurt feelings.

I sleep like a baby.