Disappointed and Delighted. Can You Be Both?

How can you be disappointed and delighted with the same thing?

The dictionary says that disappointed means you’re unhappy because someone or something wasn’t as good as you hoped or expected or because something didn’t happen, and delighted is when you’re very happy.

So how can you be both?

Unless you’ve just emerged from a cave, it would be unreasonable for anyone not to get disappointed sometimes.

It happens. It happens because you have an idea about how something should be or is going to be, and when it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, you get disappointed.

So how the f**k can you be disappointed and delighted?

When I worked with NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), I did a lot of reframing, which is when you change how you think about something. It worked. Except when it didn’t. But it was tricky and sticky and took a bit of effort.

But when I realised that it’s always the way you think about a situation and not the situation. So you don’t have to change the way you think, but to see it’s that you think, I was able to let go of the upsetting thoughts and was delighted rather than disappointed.

What is disappointment?

You can only be disappointed when what you thought would happen didn’t or with how you feel you’re being treated.

Imagine you’re online dating, and you finally go on a date with someone you’ve been chatting to and getting on well with. Before the date, you might easily create a story about the life you’re both going to have together in the future, how many children and dogs and where you’re going to live.

Your imagination takes you on a journey, and when you meet up in person, you might discover that there isn’t a spark between you, and the imagined future disappears like fog in the sun, and you’re disappointed. But what are you disappointed about?

Yes, you’ve got it. You’re disappointed because you believed your own made-up story. It’s not reasonable to feel disappointed with the other person; they are perfect; they’re just not for you.

But instead of mourning the house and the 2.4 children you thought were on the cards, you can feel delighted to have an evening with a new friend. After all, you must like something about this person to go on a date in the first place, let alone create a future together in your head.

How about feeling disappointed in yourself? What is that about? Are you disappointed in your behaviour?

Maybe you didn’t work as hard today as you wanted or were disappointed with yourself that you didn’t phone the friend you’d promised to call?

I get it, you wanted to do something or behave a certain way, and then you didn’t. But can you see that the only way you can be disappointed is if you believe there is a right way to behave in that situation?

Even though, when you were in the situation, that behaviour appeared to be the right way to behave?

I’m sure there isn’t a person alive that doesn’t wish that they hadn’t said a harsh word or had been kinder at some point in their life, and if you feel like this, the best way forward is to act this way in the future. However, you must still have a template, an idea, and an image of the perfect behaviour to be disappointed that you didn’t match the idea.

So how can you be delighted that you’ve made an arse of yourself? By learning from it and making sure that you behave differently next time.

If you think about how much better you’ll behave in the future, you can feel hopeful and delighted, which beats the crap out of beating the crap out of yourself.

I repeat you can only ever be disappointed by your thoughts about whatever it is. When you have an idea about the perfect holiday, date or evening out and believe your thoughts are real, you’re doomed for disappointment.

By all means, enjoy the fantasies about the perfect date and plan what to do on the perfect holiday but hold the vision lightly and remember that you have created this idea, this image.

And then the fantasy will be perfectly delightful.

If you get disappointed by how someone you care about behaves, again, are you disappointed with them or upset because they haven’t behaved as you thought they should? Do you think that disappointment is a natural consequence of not getting what you want?

But disappointment doesn’t exist in and of itself, it is a thought-created construct that occurs when something doesn’t turn out the way you imagined it would, and when you let go of believing that this assumption is carved in stone, you’re open to a new world of possibilities and delight.

If you’re disappointed that it rains on a day out, remember that the rain doesn’t care about your feelings and didn’t rain on purpose to spoil your fun, so your disappointment is personal and subjective.

And if you still don’t believe you can be both disappointed and delighted, think about going out with friends. If the evening isn’t a success, you might feel disappointed.

But if the evening goes well, you’ll be delighted.

How can you be both disappointed and delighted?

What is it that makes one evening a success and one a failure? Yes, you could blame the venue, your friend’s mood or anything else that comes to mind, but the thing that makes one evening a success and the other not is your thinking.

It’s the same when you wake up one day and feel disappointed with your life. You think your house is too small, your job sucks, and your car is a wreck. But, then, later that day, when your mood shifts, you think your house is perfect, you like your job, and your faithful old car is a classic.

No difference in circumstances, just different thinking about the circumstances, which means you can be both disappointed and delighted with the same thing.

And don’t get me started on your partner, but you know exactly what I mean.

One day your relationship is the biggest disappointment of your life, and the next day, it’s perfect. What changed? Your thoughts about your relationship.

You know when your thoughts change, your mood changes. You don’t have to technique yourself out of feeling disappointed just don’t get stuck in the feeling by going over and over the reasons you’re disappointed.

And then, before you realise it, you’ll be delighted.