Dipping My Toes Into Pride

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ring about LGBTQ+ lives, but I do still appreciate the chance to fly that flag for myself, even in a small way with their help.</p><p id="90ca">I’ve tried at times in the past 7 years since I realized that I am pansexual to talk to people in my world about this. A few close friends are supportive, but what I’ve mostly experienced is that people don’t want to know. It rattles their perception, of both me and the world, for me to talk about having relationships and sexual connections with women — and so mostly I don’t talk about it. In many ways, it’s easier to just pass, and keep it to myself, but it’s also hiding a part of who I am for other people’s comfort, and I don’t really like that.</p><p id="5577">I’m sure that part of it is that I am also polyamorous and this too rattles old expectations. I was monogamously married for more than 20 years, and now all of a sudden I’m involved with other people, other than my husband, and some of those people are women. If I’d come out as pansexual and poly in my teens or my 20s, it probably wouldn’t be such a big deal for a lot of the people in my circle, but since they’ve come to think of me in a certain way, it’s challenging for them to think of me any differently.</p><p id="8823">One of the things that has helped me be more confident about at least dipping my toes into being more open is being around other people who are unapologetically frank about their sexuality. Special thanks in particular to <a href="undefined">Demeter Delune</a>, who is also married to a man, but completely open about who she is to just about everyone. It’s inspiring and reassuring, and it helps encourage me to keep taking steps toward owning my truth as well.</p><p id="1900">No one has asked me about my Pride pin, but if they did, I had already decided that I would tell them that I’m pansexual. I guess that is a part of the obstacle in talking about it — I don’t want to just say, “Oh, by the way….” But if there is a relevant context to speak about it, I really want to do a better job of being open, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable.</p><p id="233f">I remember going to visit New York City, probably 27 or 28 years ago. My favorite uncle lived there, and although we didn’t stay with him, James and I did spend a fair amount of time with him. One evening we met Devon for dinner and he told us that he had walked in the Pride parade that day. I didn’t really know what to say, and mumbled something inane like, “Oh, that’s nice.”</p><p id="b323">My uncle had lived with a woman for over 10 years and was as far as I knew, now just a handsome eligible bachelor. I had no idea at that time that he was bisexua

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l, and a cross-dresser. I didn’t know enough about Pride parades to know if he’d just marched in support or if he was trying to tell us something. I suppose like some of my friends today, it just disrupted my expectations and I didn’t know how to ask him for more details without seeming impolite so we let it go and never spoke of it again, something that I very much regret now.</p><p id="0d9a">A few years later my mother got a call from his roommate that he had died suddenly and I went with her to clean out his things, which included one closet full of men’s clothing and one full of women’s. Devon’s death was not alcohol-related, but I knew that he was an alcoholic, and I strongly suspect that the pressures of having to hide who he really was contributed to that.</p><p id="8212">Hiding who I really am doesn’t cause that level of anxiety and stress in my life, but authenticity is important to me and I’d very much prefer to be more open. On the other hand, my life is fairly intense in many ways already, and I’m not looking to add any additional intensity. So, I keep looking for ways to be honest and open that don’t create discomfort for others. There may come a time when I’ll have to decide if I’m ready to give up that caveat and just let them be uncomfortable. But in the meantime, I’m dipping my toes into LGBTQ+ Pride. Perhaps over the course of this year, I’ll put my whole foot in.</p><p id="bf96">© Copyright Elle Beau 2022</p><div id="ca5f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-uncle-devon-wore-womens-clothing-41f99a6852fb"> <div> <div> <h2>My Uncle Devon Wore Women’s Clothing</h2> <div><h3>Remembering my favorite uncle and wishing I had known him better</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*dc7FP7ILP5x0BQJFSPG-lg.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="a445" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/am-i-a-queer-imposter-6df2bcc452e9"> <div> <div> <h2>Am I A Queer Imposter?</h2> <div><h3>Just because I so easily pass for a straight married woman</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*pDn-DdMDyuF31D2b)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Both literally and figuratively

Image Property of the Author

Even before I went to the nail salon the other day to get a pedicure, I’d already decided that Dipping My Toes Into Pride was going to be the title of this story. When I got to the salon I discovered I could make that literally true. I could actually stick my toes into Pride month in a very concrete way. Nail polish manufacturer OPI frequently offers specialty lines of color with a certain theme to them, but I’d never seen one quite like this before. It was called Power of Hue and it was clear to me from the colors as well as the names of them that this was OPI’s Pride collection.

I ended up selecting this beachy blue, aptly named Sky True To Yourself. Some of the other colors were Bee Unapologetic (a bright yellow) and Make Rainbows (a mid-tone green). Of course, no one is going to notice that I have Pride toenail polish, and even if they did, they wouldn’t think anything of it. After all, I easily pass for a straight married woman. I probably just liked the color. But for me, it was still a small step toward being more open about who I really am.

A few weeks ago I was in Crate and Barrel and noticed that they had Pride pins available at the checkout. Some just say Pride and some say Home Is For Everyone. I’m not cool enough to know what the & sign one means, but I was proud of myself for asking the cashier who was ringing up my husband if they were for sale. She told me that they were free and I should help myself, so I got a Pride pin and put it on my purse. It’s small and unobtrusive, but still, it was a good first step for me in publicly owning that Pride might also apply to me.

Crate & Barrel Pride pins

Sure, I share supportive memes on social media, both in the month of June and year-round, but I also pass so well as a hetero-married woman that no one who hasn’t heard me talk about being pansexual would probably guess that I was anything more than an ally.

And yes, I also realize that lots of companies give lip service to Pride for PR purposes but then don’t actually support LGBTQ+ people in any meaningful way. I don’t know where OPI or Crate & Barrel fall as far as being actually interested in caring about LGBTQ+ lives, but I do still appreciate the chance to fly that flag for myself, even in a small way with their help.

I’ve tried at times in the past 7 years since I realized that I am pansexual to talk to people in my world about this. A few close friends are supportive, but what I’ve mostly experienced is that people don’t want to know. It rattles their perception, of both me and the world, for me to talk about having relationships and sexual connections with women — and so mostly I don’t talk about it. In many ways, it’s easier to just pass, and keep it to myself, but it’s also hiding a part of who I am for other people’s comfort, and I don’t really like that.

I’m sure that part of it is that I am also polyamorous and this too rattles old expectations. I was monogamously married for more than 20 years, and now all of a sudden I’m involved with other people, other than my husband, and some of those people are women. If I’d come out as pansexual and poly in my teens or my 20s, it probably wouldn’t be such a big deal for a lot of the people in my circle, but since they’ve come to think of me in a certain way, it’s challenging for them to think of me any differently.

One of the things that has helped me be more confident about at least dipping my toes into being more open is being around other people who are unapologetically frank about their sexuality. Special thanks in particular to Demeter Delune, who is also married to a man, but completely open about who she is to just about everyone. It’s inspiring and reassuring, and it helps encourage me to keep taking steps toward owning my truth as well.

No one has asked me about my Pride pin, but if they did, I had already decided that I would tell them that I’m pansexual. I guess that is a part of the obstacle in talking about it — I don’t want to just say, “Oh, by the way….” But if there is a relevant context to speak about it, I really want to do a better job of being open, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable.

I remember going to visit New York City, probably 27 or 28 years ago. My favorite uncle lived there, and although we didn’t stay with him, James and I did spend a fair amount of time with him. One evening we met Devon for dinner and he told us that he had walked in the Pride parade that day. I didn’t really know what to say, and mumbled something inane like, “Oh, that’s nice.”

My uncle had lived with a woman for over 10 years and was as far as I knew, now just a handsome eligible bachelor. I had no idea at that time that he was bisexual, and a cross-dresser. I didn’t know enough about Pride parades to know if he’d just marched in support or if he was trying to tell us something. I suppose like some of my friends today, it just disrupted my expectations and I didn’t know how to ask him for more details without seeming impolite so we let it go and never spoke of it again, something that I very much regret now.

A few years later my mother got a call from his roommate that he had died suddenly and I went with her to clean out his things, which included one closet full of men’s clothing and one full of women’s. Devon’s death was not alcohol-related, but I knew that he was an alcoholic, and I strongly suspect that the pressures of having to hide who he really was contributed to that.

Hiding who I really am doesn’t cause that level of anxiety and stress in my life, but authenticity is important to me and I’d very much prefer to be more open. On the other hand, my life is fairly intense in many ways already, and I’m not looking to add any additional intensity. So, I keep looking for ways to be honest and open that don’t create discomfort for others. There may come a time when I’ll have to decide if I’m ready to give up that caveat and just let them be uncomfortable. But in the meantime, I’m dipping my toes into LGBTQ+ Pride. Perhaps over the course of this year, I’ll put my whole foot in.