The differences you need to confront in your relationship

It is our differences — not our similarities — that make our relationships stronger. How do you and your partner confront those differences?

by: E.B. Johnson

Though we may dream of a relationship that is carefree and free of hardship, that’s not how life works. Building a life with another person is complicated, and it requires that we embrace not only the things we love about them — but the things we (perhaps) don’t love as much. Our partnerships aren’t just built around our similarities and the fun we share together. They’re also built around our differences and the challenges we overcome together.

The ways in which we differ from our partners are just as important as the things we hold in common. Through our differences, we learn more about one another and we learn more about ourselves. We also build deeper channels of connection and communication, which help us to maintain our love compassion when things get tough. Our differences are important, and it’s crucial that we find away to connect across them instead of running away at the first sign of conflict. Some divides, though, are too great to overcome. The truth lies in our own courage and understanding.

Differences are crucial to address.

Today’s world peddles a very specific image of love and intimate relationships, and much of it revolves around endless butterflies and idea that good partnerships are easy and conflict-free partnerships. Within this toxic idea, there is also the assumption that our partners are someone we should hold everything in common. Nothing could be less true. It is the differences we find in our relationships that strengthen the bonds we share.

We can’t run from our differences. We can’t bury them away, or detonate our relationships the first time it looks like we may not hold the same ideals. While some lines can’t be crossed, many of these deviations between one another lead to a greater and more respecting, compassionate love.

Learn to address the differences. Don’t look away from things that make you uncomfortable. Face them, confront them, then work to understand them. Then you can work with your partner to either find the compromise, or face the brutal realities. Either way, our differences are what direct us toward the truth and reality of our relationships. Are you looking to transcend from static, cardboard love? Embrace the differences and acknowledge them for what they are.

The most important differences to identify.

Though every relationship is different, there are a few core differences from which most of our splits in opinion and perspective come from. While some of these are worth compromising on (or considering a different point of view), some of them are central to who we are and our authentic happiness in the future.

Family needs

One of the biggest differences that many couples ignore until it’s too late involves their expectations of family and children. You both need to be honest about whether you truly want children. Beyond that, you both need to be honest about the role you expect your families to play in your relationship. Do you want to have children of your own? Are you okay with a mother-in-law who is involved in every decision that you make? These are questions that have to be addressed and answered early. The differences are sometimes too great to overcome.

Financial expectations

When it comes to money, what are your expectations in a relationship? Are you intending to be the breadwinner? Or would you prefer to let someone else carry that load? Likewise, you might prefer everything get split right down the middle. There’s no right or wrong answers when it comes to the financial stability and roles of our relationships. Money has to be discussed, however, and we have to ensure that we make our expectations crystal clear.

Career visions

What are your career ambitions? Does your ideal future involve running a big business or spending tons of time on the road? What about your partner? Do they have big career aims of their own? It’s important to ensure that these points are discussed and aligned with our expectations on time, effort, and connection. You have a right to pursue your CEO career. You also have a right to come home to the same person every night if you want. It’s just important that you ensure that person wants to be there authentically in line with their own happiness (rather than compromising themselves into misery).

Roles and responsibilities

The roles we play in our relationships are important, and they differ from couple-to-couple. There are some who prefer more traditional structure to their partnerships, and there are those whose ideal relationships involve different homes on different sides of the country. The power balance and logistics of your relationships are totally up to you, but these differences in expectation and vision must be addressed and aligned early on in order for it to be an equitable building experience.

Sexual and intimate needs

When it comes to our sexual and intimate needs, we often keep our mouths shut out of perceived taboos or embarrassment stemming from societal (and religious) pressures. Many of us have been raised to believe that intimate pleasure is shameful, but it’s not. It’s one of the many ways in which we connect with our partners and bond with them. It’s also a way we have fun and share excitement together. For long-term happiness, it’s important to ensure we are sexually compatible and open about our intimate differences.

Balance of effort

Relationship priorities are important, but so many couples stumble into serious commitment while making so many unfounded assumptions. We need to establish how much effort and energy we want to put in early on. We also have to be honest about important a relationship really is to us. Do you have different levels of commitment? Do you want more time with them than they have to give? Communication is key here. Roles need to be defined, as well as demand on time and levels of energy put it by all parties involved.

How to deal with differences in your relationship.

Noting the differences between ourselves and our partners isn’t enough. Once we’ve looked at the things that mean the most, we have to be honest and candid with one another in ways that can be both challenging and painful. Some differences can be compromised on and overcome — others can’t. Only those involved in the relationship can discover the answers with brutal honesty and commitment to self-respect and openness.

1. Address them early on

When we’re in the early days of a relationship, it can be hard to think about the differences; especially when everything seems so good. This is precisely when we should look for crucial moments of difference, though, and work hard to weigh our own personal values and expectations against them. We have to be honest and we have to be open. Beyond that, however, we have to be brave enough to speak up about the things that matter.

Lay out your expectations in life and in love and look at them honestly. What means the most to you? What means the most to your partner? Have small conversations along the way that allow you both to sit down and really hash out your visions of the future. Coming up against a wall, face it and break it down.

Certain differences — like expectations on children, financial roles, and even career ambitions — must be laid bare…the sooner the better. While these conversations might be uncomfortable to address, they lead to seriously destructive conflict later on down the road. Some differences aren’t compatible, and some are worth compromising. The only way to work toward a stable and loving partnership is to face them bravely and work through them as a team.

2. Find the positive in conflict

There is real power in conflict and discovering how to embrace the turbulence until you see the light. Fighting with one another often highlights important differences that we can then breakdown into more manageable pieces to swallow and process. Beyond that, it can also magnify the rifts and shifts in personality that insurmountable or impossible to overcome.

Stop allowing yourself to sit on uncomfortable truths in order to avoid the healing fire of conflict. You need to be honest about the emotions, experiences, and observations that you have. But you also need to leave space for your partner to do the same. Express yourself, then allow them to express themselves too.

It’s important to note that healthy conflict doesn’t involve injury, abuse, or the intention of making another person feel small. Conflict is an exchanging of differences, ideas, emotion, and expectation, and that is something that adults can manage when they find their center and remember to keep honesty, respect, and civility at the heart of everything that they do.

3. Practice brutal honesty

It is impossible to confront, embrace, or otherwise come to a resolution as a couple without some brutal honesty. And though this honesty certainly encompasses the way we approach our partners, it also has to apply to the way we approach ourselves, our thoughts, our patterns, and our needs. We have to learn to embrace those things which make us different and also embrace our deeper truths that align with the future we desire.

When you and your partner confront a difference in opinion, response, or personality — talk about it. Sit down and have a candid conversation (like adults) about what’s going on and how it’s impacting you. Let them know how you’re feeling, but avoid coming from a place of blame or accusation. Stick to the facts and keep it as detached as possible.

Beyond that, it’s crucial that you’re honest with yourself. When you account for a difference that’s too big to overcome, you need to admit it first within. Accept reality for what it is and make a conscious effort every day to keep yourself firmly grounded there. The longer you deny what’s right in front of your face, the more separated from your happiness you’ll become. Be honest in every respect of your life and seek to be honest in every aspect of your relationship too.

4. Embrace the journey

Difference — at its core — is change, and that’s something that we humans aren’t always great at managing. We are creatures of habit and we find a great deal of comfort and stability in routine and sameness. When this perceived “sameness” is disrupted, however, it shifts our perspective and forces us to take action. This is, perhaps, why we struggle with differences in our partnerships. To be different from your partner is to disrupt your perception of safe and stable sameness.

Rather than exerting all your energy (pointlessly) on avoiding change, embrace it. Discovering differences within your partnership (when not foundational) are beautiful little side expeditions that reinforce our love for one another while expanding our perception of who the other person is.

If your differences aren’t big enough to rupture the life you’re building, fall in love with them. See them as a chance to grow and a chance to learn more about yourself and the person standing across from you. To be different doesn’t mean you are any less compatible, or any less likely to thrive. Some couples with the greatest differences in approach and perspective are those who are able to build strong, longstanding relationships that are balanced and complementary.

5. Maintain your self-respect (always)

Self-respect should be an important part of every action or consideration we take in a relationship. Whether we are choosing where to live, or making a life-altering decision about children and family — it’s crucial that we maintain respect for ourselves, our needs, and the vision we have for our own futures. The same goes for approaching differences in your relationships. Have enough self-respect to walk away when the challenges grow too great.

While you and your partner might have committed to stay together through thick-and-thin, that’s not a promise that’s always possible to keep. Sometimes, we need things that our partners just can’t provide. Sometimes, we want things that are entirely too different from their own vision of the future.

Have enough self-respect to admit when there’s no resolution. You deserve to have the life you pictured for yourself, and you deserve to build it in a way that aligns to your deeper truths. Your partner also has this right, but you may not be able to meet your needs if you keep forcing something broken to work. Rather than compromising your way into unhappiness, find the courage to be the bigger person. Keep your self-respect in sight and never betray your care for self.

Putting it all together…

We’ve been sold a very particular picture of the perfect relationship, and it’s usually one built on overwhelming similarities. The truth about our partnerships are not revealed in the things we hold in common, however. The real reality of our relationships really hangs in the balance between our differences. Do you and your partner want the same things for your lives? By addressing our core differences openly and honestly, we can discover the answer.

Address your differences early on and stop ignoring them in the name of conflict avoidance. Conflict and disagreements can help us grow as a couple, while also helping us to learn more about one another (and our expectations). Stay civil, stay respectful, but address the differences in personality, opinion, belief, or expectation wherever they arise. The sooner you both confront those things you split on, the quicker you can come to a resolution and get back to peace. Practice brutal honesty with yourself and one another, and embrace the journey and process of growth that these differences ultimately encompass. Never lose sight of your self-respect, though. No matter how much we might love someone, settling for their differences can result in our unhappiness later on. Have the courage to admit when you want lives that are too different to work and move instead toward your greater purpose.