Summary

The author recounts a group's experience with Ayurvedic massages in Kerala, India, leading to a humorous and skeptical exploration of whether such a massage inadvertently helped one friend conceive.

Abstract

On a trip to Kerala, the author and friends decide to try Ayurvedic massages, a traditional practice aimed at balancing the body's doshas. The group undergoes the oil-intensive massage, with one friend, 'Tom,' experiencing an unexpectedly intimate session. Post-massage, Tom reveals his unique experience, which includes genital touching, an element not shared by the others. Shortly after the trip, Tom and his girlfriend, who had been struggling to conceive, become pregnant. The author humorously ponders whether the massage played a role in this development, while also reflecting on the wonders of ancient practices and their potential benefits beyond the skepticism of modern science.

Opinions

The author initially lacks knowledge about Ayurvedic massages but is open to the experience.
The author prefers Thai massages over Ayurvedic ones due to personal skin sensitivity and the appeal of the vigorous techniques used in Thai massages.
There is a mix of skepticism and wonder regarding the effectiveness of Ayurvedic practices, especially after Tom's experience and subsequent pregnancy.
The author is impressed by the masseuses' ability to intuitively identify and address the group's physical ailments without prior disclosure.
Despite not being an expert, the author suggests that there may be some validity to the ancient practices of Ayurvedic medicine, considering them a form of "magic" that still exists in the modern world.

Did An Ayurvedic Massage Get My Friend Pregnant?

Unraveling the mystery of this mysterious massage

On a recent trip to Kerala, my friends and I decided that it would be rude not to at least attempt to get an Ayurvedic massage. It’s one of the ‘things’ that you’re supposed to do when you’re in India and armed with little to no knowledge of what an Ayurvedic massage actually entailed, the four of us endeavoured to get oiled up, rubbed down, and experience something five thousand years in the making.

What was the worst that could happen? Surely, one of us wouldn’t end up with a child some nine months later…

But before we start sliding down that very slippery slope, I think some context is in order. The first and most important thing to understand is what, exactly, an Ayurvedic massage is. Despite having had one, I’m still not quite sure how best to answer this. As far I can tell, an Ayurvedic massage is a cross between oil wrestling and a sauna that will leave you feeling like you’re about two inches taller and two hundred degrees warmer than you were before you started.

Someone with a little bit more knowledge of Ayurvedic medicine will tell you that it is a way to balance your three doshas, which might sound like some sort of delicious Indian snack but is actually in reference to vata [air and space], kapha [earth and water], and pitta [water and fire], which, too, sound delicious. These three doshas make up our mental, physical, and emotional selves, with an Ayurvedic massage being a tool to manipulate these back into a state of balance.

This balance, presumably, is a good thing.

And in an attempt to restore balance to our ill-balanced lives, my friends and I endeavoured to get our doshas in order and embark on a therapeutic adventure. It started with each of us being taken to separate rooms where we were stripped down to nothing but a loin cloth that did nothing to hide the loins. It was very quickly rendered obsolete by being drowned in enough oil to fill a McDonald’s grease trap as we were rubbed down by muscular, moustached men.

It was okay, I guess.

To be honest, I’m more of a Thai massage man. My sensitive skin doesn’t enjoy being lathered in that much oil and I’ve always been a firm believer that nothing compares to the feeling of being manhandled by an old, Thai woman with the forearm strength of an excavator.

But the most interesting part of the Ayurvedic massage actually occurred when the massage had finished, with the four of us emerging from our steam boxes to check our notes and discuss our findings.

One of my friends, let’s call him ‘Tom’ for both the sake of his anonymity [and because he hates that name], had been trying to fall pregnant with his girlfriend for roughly a year at that point. It had been a long, hard road for them, and while he had first enjoyed all the attempts, the lack of pregnancy at the end of them was starting to wear him down.

Tom emerged from his massage with a look that was a little bit more sheepish than the rest of ours, like he couldn’t wait to tell us something but wasn’t quite sure how to start. He used words like ‘intimate’ and ‘intense’ to describe his massage and it became apparent that we might have had very different experiences.

“Yeah,” Tom said as we continued to share our experience. “And all the dick touching? That was weird.”

All of us stopped and looked at each other.

“What?”

“Wait,” Tom continued, with a face that would have been flushing if it wasn’t already bright red from the experience. “You’re telling me that they didn’t touch your dicks?”

The three of us died with laughter.

None of us experienced anything remotely close to our masseuse touching our genitals. In fact, being football stars of yesterday, the three of us had similar experiences; a lot of work stretching our legs, rubbing our quads, and trying to restore the damage we had done to our ruined knees.

Incidentally, none of us told the masseuses about our ailments. They simply took one look at us, presumably read our doshas [still delicious], and figured it out. Which is remarkable, when you think about it. Even more remarkable was that when Tom returned home, he and his girlfriend fell pregnant shortly after.

Now, the cynic in me says that this was the result of a two-week vacation from what is his very stressful, high-pressure job, with long hours and the anxiety that comes along with them.

But then how did they know about our bad knees? And, more importantly, how did they know to play with his genitals?

It made me think that there might be a bit of a method behind this oily madness. And while I’m not a doctor, a scientist, or anyone that you should listen to about anything other than where to get the best cocktail in Bangkok, I will say that there are some ancient things in this world that make me believe magic still exists.

Ayurvedic massage [and medicine, by proxy] is just one of those things, a throwback to a time long past that can only be found in places like India. These old, beautiful cultures are what make travel so fascinating, where you can still discover ancient roots in the leaves of modern trees.