Diaries of A Substitute: What Your Class Really Does When You’re Gone

Susan the Sassy Substitute tells all her juiciest secrets in this exclusive interview

**Disclaimer: This interview is given from the perspective of a fictional character, Susan the Sassy Substitute. She does not represent any specific person or school in real life.

You don’t really know what the kids in your class are doing behind your back.

Your fellow teachers are watching, open-mouthed with horror, as your kids climb the walls.

Meanwhile, your poor substitute is saying the Substitute Creed over and over in her head while she closes her eyes and bangs her forehead against the classroom door.

I will not yell in class. I will not throw things in class. I will not have a temper tantrum. I will always be good, because I am the teacher.

I know what some of you are thinking.

“I have the best class in the world! They know what happens if they behave badly when I’m gone. They would never try anything.”

Are you sure?

We know that you teachers are anxious to find out how your class actually behaves, so we have invited a special guest to this story who will shed light on this subject for you.

Introducing Susan the Sassy Substitute!

Susan is the nice lady who gets called in every time you’re sick. She remembers each class whenever she sees the kids walk into the room she either thinks, “Ugh, these brats again?!” or, “Yes, I love this class!”

Susan is a bit eccentric.

She has big hair, hoop earrings, and bright pink nails. She sits at the teacher’s desk with her high heels propped up, reading fashion magazines.

Every once in a while she’ll yell out,

“Quiet down, ya little heathens! (grumbling) Can’t a person get any peace and quiet around here?”

In fact, when I picture this character in my head she reminds me of Matilda’s Mom from that movie with Danny DeVito.

It helps as you’re reading through the interview to say her voice in your head with a no-nonsense New Yorker’s accent.

What will we be discussing with Susan today?

Susan is here to shed light on what happens in your classroom when you’re gone.

We’re also going to tackle the myth of Mainstream Advice and what you can do to make sure your sub has a happy experience. I’ll even throw in some special tips at the end that you won’t want to miss.

Hearing real stories from Sassy Susan will shock you and make you laugh.

Now, without further ado…we want to hear that interview!

How to have a class you can be proud of!

An interview with Susan the Sassy Substitute.

It is very reassuring to your students that you know what you are doing. Harry Wong

Hello, Susan, Welcome! We are so lucky to get you in today. I’ve heard that your interview slots are in high demand.

Are there really so many teachers who are wanting to hear the truth about subbing?

Well, ya know. It’s all about the reputation. People say they don’t care. Ha!

They care about what their coworkers think about them. They love to have everything under control and it drives them nuts when they don’t know what’s going on.

I’ll tell them what’s really happening when they’re not there.

So, let’s get started. First, I’ve come up with a piece of Mainstream Advice that I would like you to tell me if you agree with (or not) and why.

Mainstream Advice: As long as you prepare enough materials to keep them busy, kids will go on with their day as if the teacher were there.

(Hysterical laughter sounding in the background.)

Why is this even popular? Who put that nonsense out there?

Ok, I’ll give you my two cents.

It’s probably a popular view because teachers want to plan everything.

They want to have control over everything. They want to know for certain that their little angels will be good with the poor sub.

Well, they won’t. They act out more when the regular teacher’s gone, even the good ones. They try to get more playtime and maybe even a free movie day.

It just happens, not sayin’ it’s good or bad.

So, what have been some of your best and worst experiences as a sub?

Oh, honey. I have so many of those I can’t even count! Let’s see if I can pin one down for ya.

So one of the worst ones (I’ve gotta start off with the worst one to keep your attention — eyebrow raise).

Oh, I remember.

I walked into this one class and I could tell that everyone was eyeing me. You know how they do.

They kind of eye out the fresh meat to see if they’ll be easy picking.

Well, I wasn’t giving them any slack. I started off with an iron fist. The thing was, these kids were looking for any and every loophole they could find.

Unfortunately, I heard from the other teachers that their normal teacher was a pushover. That was red flag #1.

Red flag #2 was that she gave them a bunch of worksheets to do. All-day long.

Yeah, don’t do that, teachers.

Not the greatest way to keep everyone entertained. One or two is fine, but this lady had about 15 different ones in her stack.

Anyways, right before lunch, they could tell my iron nerves were starting to slip. Of course, they’re like little ants.

They run and tell the next class that the sub is about to break.

“Push her hard, she’ll cave for you!”

I caved all right. I ended up losing it and giving those kids the dressing down of their lives.

I even brought the other teachers from next door in and they had it out, too!

I left early and informed the school staff that I would never be subbing for that school again.

Terrible class.

So what actually makes what you would call a terrible class? You didn’t go into any real specifics.

Well, ya know…lots of arguin’ back and all.

The other teacher was a pushover, so her students got real used to being able to disrespect their teachers.

They argued over everything, all of them.

They ignored me when I told them to do anything, so I had to end up taking away all their fun time.

That got their attention well enough.

Hmm…what else? Not doing their work or doing sloppy work.

I caught some of the kids drawing pornographic cartoons and passing them amongst each other.

As if I didn’t have ample problems without having to deal with that in grade school!

And then, as if that’s not enough…

(Interrupting) It sounds like you had a rough time of it! Was this the only type of classroom that ever gave you a bad experience? I have a feeling this interview is going to stir up some strong feelings amongst the teachers.

Now, let me get this straight.

Teachers want to know what their classroom kids are doing when they’re not around, but then they get mad when you start to tell them!

Here’s what it really boils down to.

If the teacher sets up her class to run itself, the class will run itself when she’s not there.

End of story!

Kids are smart. Well, most of them. Some of them are little maggots, but I digress.

Most kids are smart enough to keep things going if they have a system that works.

They’re getting what they want, which is to stay in control. Keeping the machine running smoothly lets them have that control.

They keep the other kids in line because they want to keep their control and they don’t want anybody to mess it up for them.

That’s it.

It took me a while to figure this out, but that’s when I realized the difference between an awesome classroom and a terrible one.

It’s not the kids. It’s the teacher and whether or not she runs a tight ship.

Can you tell us some of your best classes? I’m sure there were some winners in there somewhere.

Oh, sure. The best classes were the ones who ran themselves. I’m serious! Actually, the really little kids were the best ones.

Those Kindergarten or preschool teachers who had all the kids on a strict schedule; drilled them every day on what to do.

The kids knew when to go to the bathroom, how to get a new pencil, and what jobs they were responsible for.

The work they did may have included some worksheets, but it was paired with activities that held their attention.

All I had to do was to be the conductor in the front. It ran as smoothly as an orchestra.

Every 10 minutes or so I stood up and said, “Ok, time to change stations!” and they would run around like little ants getting their work all together.

It was heaven.

Do you have any Takeaway Tips we can give to the teachers out there who are wanting to know what to change?

Oh, takeaway tips. Humph. Fine. Here’s what your little control-freak teachers can take away:

• Set up a chores system that’s easy enough for the kids to run themselves
• Drill them on every single classroom procedure until they can do it without you
• Keep your sub binder updated, for Pete’s sake, people!
• Don’t give the kids boring busy work for hours. When they get bored, the sub gets floored.
• Have your next-door-neighbor teacher as a buddy to check in with your sub at different times during the day
• Don’t smile until Christmas. Get your discipline under control or the sub will pay.

Here’s your main issue that teachers will end up whining about…

“Oh, Susan, I could never do that! Drilling them in procedures would make it feel like a military school and I like free expression.”

Well, sweetheart, you can Free Expression your way to embarrassment and failure if you don’t have some control over those little squirts.

But you do what you want to, I’m just the substitute, nobody listens to me…

Just make it easier on the rest of us by setting up a system that works by itself, and we’ll all be happy campers.

Your neighboring classrooms will be happy because they don’t hear screaming all the time.

Your principal will be happy because you’re not sending kids to the office all the time.

You, surprisingly, will be happy because your classroom runs itself.

And I, the substitute, will be happy not to have to deal with a bunch of raging heathen 5-year-olds determined to climb the walls. Kapiche?

I think what you’re saying is that it all boils down to this…

What I’m saying is that you need to take some notes from Mr. Harry Wong, that’s the man.

If ever I saw a well-dressed, handsome…anyways.

He’s the guy you want to read about.

Susan, thank you so much for your time. I’m sure that teachers everywhere will feel more enlightened after your…colorful interview.

Yeah, well, someone has to do it. You don’t see me complainin’, do you?

This has been another exciting interview by Yours Truly.

Here at this publication, we try our best to give you entertaining information that adds value to your lives.

Please join us next time as we delve into the sometimes confusing mind of the Middle School Girl.

Any parent of a 12-year-old will thank us after that interview is covered.

“And keep it down out there, I’m trying to sleep! You’re just as bad as those kids! Whoever thought that being a substitute would be so much trouble…”