Diamond Geezers, Episode 6: You Wee Young Scallywag
Stuart Naylor, my best coach, is off to Derby with our best wishes. No, actually, not with our best wishes at all. We’re quite bitter about it. All of us. I’ve asked the players and they’re very bitter, trust me.
I delve into the transfer market to look for some backup players. We don’t have any cover for McKinlay at DMC, except for Kah, who I’d then have to replace at centre-half. The old boys aren’t terrible but I’d like to inject some more youth into our ageing squad.
I also can’t quite resist resubmitting offers for Teddy Lucic and Morten Gamst Pedersen. I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t spend any more money, but these two are definitely legends and I’m sure I could justify signing them for half a million a pop, couldn’t I? Especially if someone will give me some bloody money for Greg bloody Lincoln.
We welcome 10th-placed Oxford to Nene Park next. They play a traditional four-four-fudging-two and have neither scored nor conceded many goals this season. Their best striker hasn’t scored in six games and their best midfielder is suspended, so I fancy our chances. I bring Risp and Kah back into the fold after their international excursions but otherwise, it’s an unchanged team. Let’s do em.
Gary Mills has really stepped up in the absence of Pflipsen. He gets on the end of a Møller cross to open the scoring, then tees up Sir Les for the second. Oxford are pushing forward though, and we’re lucky to see an Omoyinmi solo goal chalked off because Moody is ruled offside despite not being mentioned at all in the commentary. Omoyinmi must be furious.
We seem comfortable enough, though, so I send the players out for the second 45. It’s a strange experience. Both teams spend the half doing little slappy hands at each other, nobody really doing anything of note. The best moment of the half is Ronaldo, on for Møller, attempting an overhead kick which “goes horribly wrong”. Oxford continue to have their spells, and there’s a good ten minutes where I can’t believe Omoyinmi doesn’t stain our goalsheets, but we last until the 84th minute when Mills drifts forward for the umpteenth time and converts a low Underwood cross. It’s another great win, full of character, and I’m now facing the dilemma of how to get Karlheinz Pflipsen back into this team with Mills playing so well. His namesake Danny on Match of the Day would call this a good problem.
The end of the game brings the news that another one of our heroes has gone begging. Newcastle have snaffled Stefan Selakovic from Halmstad for a paltry £1.4m. He could have been a hero to the Nene Park faithful, but who knows. Maybe we’ll be able to come back around for him in a couple of years.
In other transfer news, I note that Gary Mills is being courted by Tranmere. I whack his asking price up to £1m which is enough to shoo them away for now. Bizarrely, Crystal Palace are also interested in Stuart Gray, a D/M LC who was here when I arrived. He’s hardly featured this season but for some reason, Steve Bruce is keen on him. I would be willing to let him go for a half a million, so to try to prompt a bid, I decide to give him a jog against York. They play a strange 5–3–2 with both their forwards told to drop off into midfield. They’re going to pack their third of the pitch and try to shut us out, so I’ll be prepared to go long if we haven’t cracked them by half time.
Gray comes in for McKinlay, and Ronaldo will get a start in place of Møller, who disappointingly hasn’t scored since the first league game against Scunthorpe. He’s a similar player to Ferdinand, so perhaps playing them together isn’t working. I fancy young Ronnie (no) to step up in his place.
Otherwise, we’re unchanged for our trip to KitKat Crescent. It’s actually Bootham Crescent, but I’ll never forgive them for agreeing to that sponsorship deal.
Ronaldo totally repays my selection with one of the best individual performances of the season. He rises to meet a Mills cross in just the second minute for his first, and then nods in a Ferdinand cross after half an hour for two. He even finds time in between to put Chris Brandon through on goal, who converts his fifth of the season to put us 3–0 up at half time, and we’ve barely broken a sweat. The second half sees Ferdinand convert yet another Ronaldo assist, and we run out 4–0 winners again. Ronaldo is on another planet here, completely belying his attributes to cause chaos for a packed York defence. Something very, very strange is going on. This is very enjoyable indeed. All of this must surely go badly wrong at some point.
I test Ayr United with a £250k bid for Neil Scally, a DMC that Billy McKinlay can mould in his image. My scouts recommend him as an excellent signing, and I see why. Phwoar. Look at those physicals.
Man Utd pluck Eldar “Scrabble Champion” Hadzimehmedovic from Lyn for a pathetic £1.1m. Another potential legend slips through our fingers… for now.
Next up are Halifax Town at Nene Park. I see absolutely no reason to change anything. Chaaarge!
We blitz them with two goals in three minutes. First, Bubb takes the ball from kick off and crosses it in for Ferdinand, who heads the opener. I notice that we score the majority of our goals from crosses and headers despite not having any wide players. No wonder I won Manager of the Month.
Then, Ronaldo picks up the ball, beats Middleton and Redfearn and slides a ball through for Brandon to thunder a second into the roof of the net. Presumably upset, Halifax rally, and start swinging cross after cross into the box. Pinheiro gathers most of them bravely, also turning a Mark Jules effort round the post. In the second half, Halifax keep up the pressure. Defending a two goal lead, we are surprisingly tepid. Steve Kerrigan charges through on goal and thumps an effort off the post. I quickly make three changes to try to stem the tide, and it pays off — the Halifax pressure is subdued, before Bubb combines with Brandon for the latter to get his second and our third. With ten minutes to go, that’s the last notable action of another weird game. We’ve won, but it doesn’t really feel like we should have. Underwood finishes on a 6. Risp only won 25% of his tackles. I must take stock, and quickly. Next up is First Division Burnley, in the League Cup, at Turf Moor.
Modric, as expected, doesn’t get his work permit, and while my £375k bid for Scally is accepted, I’m only prepared to make him a backup player — but he’s not having any of that nonsense, and rejects me out of hand. Greg Lincoln is attached to the club like a gangrenous leg and nobody has the money to take him. I should have cut him off and floated him up to Hull months ago.
I’m being negative here — there is a quite considerable bright side. We are sweeping all before us in the league. We lead second-placed Swansea by a point and our goal difference is a yawning +22 after just eight games. We’ve managed to stem the flow of goals against us by simply putting Freddie “The Fence” Risp in the way to prevent other teams from getting any shots on target. Hugo Pinheiro has been sipping a margarita in goal for the last four games, but that’s not going to last against Burnley, fourth in Division 1 just ahead of Man City and Watford. Their three ‘star players’ are their two centre-backs and keeper Nikos Michopoulos, so we’re going to need Ferdinand to show us some Premier League quality if we’re going to get the goals we need to progress.
Our carpet bombing of Div 3 has made me think twice about the League Cup. We’ve got an opportunity here to test ourselves against a Division 1 team, and who knows — if we can get past Burnley, and get a few more favourable draws along the way, could we make a quarter final? And more importantly, is there prize money for getting to the quarter final? We’re losing around £200k net per month at the moment and I’m scared. The League Cup can be our salvation. A plan is required. I pour a small glass of vermouth over ice. Let’s get scheming.
