Diamond Geezers, Episode 4: It Happened, One Knight
It’s a peaceful morning in Irthlingborough. As the mist clears and the sun rises over St Peter’s Church, a black Ford Focus with tinted windows pulls off the A6. The car pulls up at the front gates of Nene Park, and a towering figure (I assume, there are no height stats on this game) emerges from the rear-left door. I walk out to greet him, and we firmly shake hands. I’ve got my £3m man.
I ignore a call from the club’s accountant because there’s no time — we’ve got Hartlepool at home in the first round of the League Cup. It’s a tournament I care little for, like most teams that are forced to play in it, so I see it as a chance to rotate and rest players before the return trip to Victoria Park in just three days.
Farnerud, Pflipsen and Brandon could all use a rest, so they drop out. I also drop Møller to the bench in the hope that we can win this game without him. However, I give Risp his debut with the plan to pull him off (easy now) at half time to give him a rest for our next trip. I’m curious, since we’re experimenting, to see how he plays alongside Kah at the heart of my defence. I also sling Carey, Mills, Darby and Ronaldo into the starting team because, frankly, why not. Let’s see what Hartlepool have brought down with them.
Not much as it turns out, and the game is over by half time. It only takes two minutes for young Ronaldo to open the scoring, an imperious header from a Byron Bubb assist — and then Bubb goes mental. First, he meets a Mills cross at the near post for a tap in. Then, after Hartlepool selfishly blot our copybook by getting a goal back with their only shot on target (naturally), Bubb runs onto a McKinlay through ball and batters the ball into the top corner. The game notes repeatedly that nobody is tracking Bubb’s runs from midfield, and it shows. Time and time again he’s either creating chances or almost finishing them. Then, debutant Risp lobs a ball into the box and Duane Darby’s face meets it for 4–1 at the break. We come in triumphant, and I slap every player on the arse as he goes by. I swap Risp, who is looking at me strangely, for Convery to keep him safe for the coming games, and back out we go.
Hartlepool barely even bother to join us for the second half, and after about 20 minutes, our players have got their feet up as well. And I’m quite happy with that. I hook Bubb to keep him safe and we keep the ball for the rest of the game. It finishes 4–1, a highly satisfying day all round. Bubb gets a 10 and Man of the Match despite only playing for 70 minutes, Ronaldo and Darby are both very impressive up front, and Hartlepool have got a lot of work to do if they want to stop us creaming them at their place in a few days’ time. Speaking of which — on the bus, lads. We’d better get moving.
The Board are pleased with the result, as well they should be. My investments are paying dividends and the team are playing extremely well. There is the small matter of conceding goals from virtually every shot on target we face but I have faith in my eccentric 38-year-old French maverick and his young apprentice to turn that around. My bid for Cheltenham’s Jamie Victory, as suggested by Adam Jones (among others) in the comments, goes the same way as my bid for Mike Duff — Cheltenham want 30x his transfer value, and when I meet it, he doesn’t want to leave the Robins for a “rival” club. I’ll probably have to wait until we’re lifting the League Cup before I’ve got any chance of nicking them.
In other transfer news, I make a cheeky loan bid to Spurs for Les Ferdinand, who wants first team football. I receive a fax from Daniel Levy in response, which is just a piece of paper with the words “HA HA HA HA” written on it over and over again. I go back and offer half a million quid instead, to see if he’ll twitch. Sir Les is valued at £875k and not on the transfer list, so I decide not to get my hopes up.
Plus, the second round of the League Cup is drawn, and this time we’ve been handed a proper glamour fixture: Burnley away. Hold the balloons for now. My reserves play Hartlepool’s reserves and give them a similar spanking — they run out 4–0 winners, with Scott Partridge (Finishing 4) grabbing a hat-trick somehow.
Suddenly, my fax machine beeps and whirrs into life once more. It’s Levy again. But there seems to be some mistake. He has… accepted my £500k offer for Les Ferdinand? I confirm with my secretary that it is not April 1st. I contact Sir Les. He’s on £20k per week at Spurs, but his wage demands are within my budget. I slide a piece of paper across the table and quickly leave the room before anyone can change their minds.
My friends. A wonderful, insane thing has happened. We have our number 10.
I have to admit that I am now concerned about finances. We are still very much in the black, I haven’t completely tanked us, but I can see that our wage bill is going to come to something like £250,000 per month. We’ll be ok until the end of the season as long as I don’t make any more expensive signings, so it’s free transfers, extreme cheapies, and loans from now on. In my excitement, I’ve basically ensured that we need to win something this season if we’re not going to go the way of the real-life Rushden and Diamonds. No pressure, lads. To get myself ready for said life of prudence and responsibility, I offer trials to several defensive players on free transfers who have decent enough attributes to become squad players if my coaches think they’re up to scratch.
Now, back to on-pitch matters. After our walloping of them in the last game, I decide to largely keep faith with the same team on the return trip to Hartlepool. The only changes I make are Pinheiro in the sticks (I’ve decided that having some continuity in that position might help to stem the flow of goals we’re conceding), plus I chuck young Farnerud into the team in place of Carey. He could do with a good game and, based on the last one, Hartlepool could be an excellent tonic for him to find his young feet in my soon-to-be all-conquering Rushden side.
Sir Les graces the bench at Victoria Park. Last week he was playing against Chelsea at White Hart Lane. He must wonder what on earth is going on with his life.
It’s another mauling. We come in at half time three goals to the good — Gary Mills thunders in the first from a Mustafa cross, then he turns provider for Farnerud to grab his first goal for the club. Hartlepool are rarely threatening, though Ritchie Humphreys is dangerous whenever he gets the ball. Then, just before half time, Bubb weaves into the box and is shoved to the ground, penalty. Underwood steps up confidently and converts. 3–0 at half time, and most pleasingly of all, Fredrik Risp is amongst my best players on an 8. I realise it’s only Hartlepool, but could it be that it’s “only” Hartlepool because he’s making them look so average? He could turn out to be my best signing on this adventure. I summarily hook him because he’s too important to risk losing and chuck Convery on in his place.
Much like the last game, the second half is a stroll. The players apply themselves well and we almost double our shots total, but we only add one more goal — a second Underwood penalty after Ferdinand, on as a sub, is tripped in the box. We are phenomenal here, and I’m incredibly pleased with both Mills and Ronaldo, who I’ve pegged as squad players, but ended up vying for the Man of the Match award. We look in good shape, which is a relief, because we only have two days before we have to welcome high-flying Luton to Nene Park.
Back on the bus, lads. Leave your boots on.
This time, the board are “absolutely delighted” with the “magnificent” result, which is good news. If I can distract them with wins, they might forget to check the bank account.
In the transfer market, it’s not all plain sailing. We’ve managed to sneak Les flipping Ferdinand from Spurs, but someone called Ian Rushbury turns me down to go and play for the University of Maryland in the USA. Sometimes I just don’t understand this game at all. We also miss out on Florin Batrinu, Joao Paiva, Ibrahim Said, Abgar Barsom and loads of others, too many to mention. I’m not too concerned, we’re doing ok with the players we have. I just need some reinforcements.
In other transfer news, I set about attempting to pull another Ronaldo and search the world for 2019’s global megastars who were just about starting their careers in 2001, and would you look who I’ve found…
